Wiiwaa advert, inappropriate overload

I could list all the reasons as to why this video is the full spectrum of wrong, but including that as post content would lead to some rather debatable hits from google.

Just no.

Richie :(

Our new favourite video game character

Is this muggy cunt in Wii Fit Plus (on the right in the image above). I don't know how he is voiced in other territories but he sounds like a proper geeza in the PAL version. Here are a selection of sound bites:

"Punch it! Don't touch it up you muggy cunt"

"Alright you muggy cunt let's box this mush"

"I'm a cockney I'm a cockney"

"Ening staaaaaaaaaad. Ening staaaaaaaad"

"Jog on you muggy cunt"

"Ya muvva ya muvva ya muvva. And ya faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaava"

"Love a duck you muggy muvva"

"Cost you a pony you muvva"

We don't even know his name but we love him. Excercise and video game characters have never been so fun. We can't wait for him to get his own sequel Wii Geezer. Basically you spend the whole game selling pineapples, driving taxis and taking shanks's pony everywhere. IMPROMPTU REVIEW BASED ON CONCEPT ALONE; Excellent characterisation and a good storyline but some of the balance board controlled sections (particularly the backtracking comments about bloody foreigners to someone of dual heritage mission) feel a bit contrived. 7.5/10.

Next Step, the Wiibrator.

Ok so Again I'm shamelessly stealing from Kotaku.

These are images from a patented Nintendo Peripheral which is an inflatable pillow, designed for "horse racing" games, oh yeah!

You know what, fuck it, I'll leave this to your own imagination, you filthy, filthy people.

Yours Equestrianly,

Richie XXX

Let's do more with the Wiimote

Okay kids. Wiimote has been around for quite a while and using it to waggle has been a staple use of it so far. Let's just say the pulse sensor thing hasn't exactly set us alight and wii motion plus is a bit of a rip off. ANy avid Wii gamer will now have a wii wheel, zapper, other attachments and wii speak. All of which work with one maybe two games. Either way by now every Wii owner has four wiimotes. Why don't games do some more creative things with them? You want free ideas here's some:



1) FPS and on-rail shooters.
So we've had Red Steel, House of the Dead Overkill and Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. They were fun but why insist on pressing the d-pad to change weapon? Players should be able to map wiimotes 1-4 to different weapons. Want to change from pistol to shotgun? Just drop wiimote one and point wiimote 3 in a wii zapper at the screen. Voila! The shotgun pops up. It disappoints me that FPS on the Wii haven't done the popping up gun affect it is the simplest thing to do and adds to the immersion and you can't do it on any other system. Want to triple wield? Then just point wiimotes 1,2 and 4 at the screen at the same time and fire away. Simple.

2)Someone, somewhere just do a proper fucking light sabre please?
Just make it a dueling game with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner. You could even use two wiimotes to dual wield or sell an attachment that links two together for a Darth Maul type affair.

3)Alternatively do a quick draw game.
Easy peasy. Make it Wiiware, leaderboards, character customisation etc. Do dual wielding as well (see where I am going with this?).

4) More Wiimote/balance board combinations please.
Skiing is obvious and boring. How about a version of armoured core where wiimotes 1 and 2 represent each of your arms and you can do clunky stomping about using the balance board. Make it with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner.

5)Wiimote/Wii Wheel combinations.
Firing from a car is not as easy as Grand Theft Auto makes out. Make a Mario Kart game using the wii wheel and then incorporate another wiimote to use as a weapon (gun etc.) or perhaps a stick to stick into other players wheel spokes. In fact this might work better as a futuristic jousting game. The wheel controls the robot horse and the wiimote becomes your lance. Make it with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner.

Those are just five ideas I came up with just now. Without giving it any proper thought. Come on Wii devs. Let's try to do more than waggling/remote controller set ups. Yeah?

Wii Play Tanks! has been doing my head in, I just want a gold medal but keep dying god it is so annoying I just want to beat it but can't.

Shit. Did it again.

*Sigh*

This image from site we don't normally look at,Joystiq makes us sad. The top is the PS3 version and the bottom one is the Wii version. Looks like Sony tried to ruin it by making all the zombies grey like they're Solid Snake or something. Or a new PSN update or something. Or a sequel to Killzone or something.

The Wii version looks terrible too. Too many zombies. I hope they scale that back before launch. Plus for all those Xbox 360 people laughing at other consoles only getting Dead Rising now at least we'll be able to read the fucking text man and it has multiplayer but they left that out of the press release. We have our sources though.

Wii-lly

Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

WiiBrator

Well, I'm sure we all saw this coming, but someone has finally done it. As I'm sure most of you are aware, the Wiimote can be linked up to your PC, and using certain homebrew programs it can be used like a mouse, and there are some even some crazy little coders that got the PC guitar hero clone, Frets on Fire, to work with the wiimote guitar! And there was even the inevitable Wiimote vibrator programs.

But to take things further, someone has homebrewed some Wii software which allows this vibrator software to wrok with an image slideshow, and has online support for 32 people.

There you go, I'll let you contemplate those images for a while...

Luv n Hugs,

Richie