Gamer Laureate

NB:

Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a film for you' just doesn't sound right.

It was upon reading about the new poet laureate here that I had a revelation. We need a gamer laureate. By need, I mean need as much if not more than we need a poet laureate. And by a gamer laureate I mean me.

It would be great. You get paid to disseminate the wonders of gaming to the nation, the state and the queen. And don't we need it? As gamer laureate here is my manifesto/action list:



1) A public campaign to raise awareness of bad games that should not be bought in any event, even if they are part of a bundle or £20 cheaper than a decent game.

2) I would make it part of my job to publicly challenge celebrities, politicians and international dignitaries at various video games. Would you trust the prime minister better if he was good at Mario Kart? I know I would. Fuck the elitist background, experience and acumen, if the man knew his way around Cheep Cheep Beach he'd do significantly better by me and undoubtedly better in the opinion polls. Similarly, global conflicts might be resolved by a best of 3 game of Dash to Destruction than through a bloody waste of life expensive and unpopular war.

3) I'd be an advocate for the gaming nation and work with other gamer laureates around the world to unite our underground nation. It always surprises me that gamers haven't formed their own nation yet. There's enough of us. Shit. Even if all the Wow players got together that is a respectable mass of people. We could control the world.

4) Work to preserve the gaming heritage. Every year, games slip away into the ether as discs, hardware and code is lost and damaged. As gamer laureate I'd create a national museum of video games. It would be at the V&A because the nation doesn't really need a national museum of clothing, cutlery and crockery. It would be great and at least people might be interested whilst they are museuming in London. It would be a great place to celebrate the achievements of British coders and gamers who, frankly have added more to individuals lives and wider contemporary culture than wanker millionaire artists.

5) Set up a charity national hints and tips phone line. Anyone who has ever seen a google analytic report for a gaming site will know that so many of our fellow gamers don't know how to use google or that gamefaqs even exists. I'd help to set up and run the helpline for gamers in need of that extra bit of advice. Helping gamers all over the nation to complete their games. The helpline would also be available to support victims of griefing, blue shelling, spawn camping and ganking. A demographic currently ignored by government.

6) I'd act as personal gamer to the Queen. If she every wanted to co-op Half Life or play a bit of deathmatch on CoD and Harry and Wills weren't around, I'd be her player 2 (or 3, not 4 though).

7) I'd work with national media to make sure they get their shit straight. No more errors or mistakes when blaming secondary school shootings on games and no more lies in the token 'games' sections in the newspapers and magazines.

8) I'd work hard to make gaming more socially acceptable than wine connoisseurs, bird watchers, foodies and people who play polo. Of course, we are more socially acceptable than these elitist snobbish hobbyists and activities but gaming has had a bad rep for such a long time it barely hovers above fiddie kiddling in the national lists. Support me to put gaming in it's rightful place, above people who waste wine for a hobby.

9) I would be available to play games with people at state events. After all they have to put up with poetry so a spot of minesweeper, micro maniacs or uno wouldn't be out of place. Would it?

10) Hand out the excellence in gaming awards every year. The awards are for those British people who have struggled against the odds to set new high scores, to top international leaderboards or for particularly impressive speed runs. Awards for notable gaming journalism, literature, machinima, fan fiction or audio remixes would also be awarded.


So that's it so far. It's a lot I know but it needs doing. Drop any suggestions in the comments and I'll send it to King Tony Blair to see what he thinks of the whole idea. I promise not to forget about the little people when I get there. x x x

Finally! 2

You probably don't remember when webcomic cretin Tom Bickley of Catl Ult Doll gave us a secret nod. If you don't here it is.

Well after several years of randomly emailing Ryan North and telling him that he stole my idea, Omastar Comics, for his longer running comics series Dinosaur Comics (the similarity is shocking Mr North), he has finally given us the nod we so deserve here.

Whaddya mean you can't see it again?

Here it is:

It's obvious to you and me. Once again it is shown that That Guy's A Maniac is a site for the discerning millionaire Canadian, time travel-to-steal-ideas webcomic artist. Just another reason why we are the World's Second Greatest VideoGame Blog of All Time as proved by science

You are only part forgiven Ryan. The head, one arm and one leg specifically. You get to choose which side you get to keep.

Nooch.

Explorer Reporting

Webcomics. There are a gazillion out there, done by horrible Indie types who probably live in San Francisco, they probably have cats and they probably are responsible for the AIDS. They are mostly about love, excuses to draw boobies or to show off to the world how much stuff the "artist" knows. Amongst the plethora of webcomics there are a tiny fraction about our favourite subject- Videogames. 98% of them however, are either sprite comics comme ca or ones titled "Two Noobs and a Gaymer" or "Just Another Gaming Comic". I've scoured all of these and they are without doubt awful and as the World's Second Best Videogame Blog it's time to play key service to those truly outstanding ones, or the ones that everyone thinks are outstanding. Then we will crown our Queen, the World's Best Videogame Webcomic. NB although our Queen sounds better because we are Second Best and she is the best, this isn't actually the case because webcomics are marginal at best.

In no order whatsoever, albeit arranged by badness with the 5th worst of the best first, running up to and including the 1st best of the best at the end:

5)Concerned Comics Perhaps the greatest videogame comic of all time in terms of the writing, the visuals and other things which comics are in terms of. Based on Half Life 2 it follows the adventures of Gordon Frohman and it's genius. The author Chris C. Livingston also adds technical, comical or just whimsical notes about the 'shooting' of the comic. Why is it in 5th place you ask? Because, alas, it has ended. The story finished. The upside is you can head over there and read the whole darn thing now. Do it. Do it now.

4)Penny Arcade Penny Arcade is to all those arts graduates tenuously hanging on to a "job in videogames" as Gary Larson is to scientists and science academics. They do other stuff as well like Pax which is supposed to be, like, amazing and they set up that charity where you buy toys for kids in the third world. Last year we sent some kid in Wales two yoghurt pots with a string in between. They can play phones. PA is in 4th worst best place because too many people clog up the internet talking about it. This includes me now, again. Also, a lot of people say that it's really 'high concept'. I don't think they know that PA is a webcomic about videogames though. Also the wikipedia page for it is waaaaay too long. The strips aren't that funny either. The writing on the blog bit is insufferably written too. Reading it is like reading TGAM if we were actually trying to communicate something with using longer words.

3)Ctrl alt Del A funny webcomic about videogames. Many people from the internets will try to argue with you and say that Penny Arcade is better. There are many a forum attacking and defending both but ultimately only the opinion of the World's Second Greatest Videogame Blog really counts and they say that it's the third worst of the best comics on the internet. Apparently the creator, "Tim", is really protective of the comic and kicks people off his forums if they say bad things which, by the way, is fair fucking play. If you want to insult people on their own site then go here for god's sake. Amber will sort you out if that floats your boat. There's a place for everything. However, the position in this definitive list is shaky. The comic occassionally features a character called Chef Brian who is just fucking annoying. "People" say you either love or hate Chef Brian but you'll just hate him. His like that guy you went to school with who would try to be random by uttering such random hilarity as "My Mum's golf ball is made of shoes" or who would answer every question with the word "Jam". Later they would become an orthodox Christian and refuse to talk to any non Christians. Later still, like sometime last year they would kill themselves. Not that I have a specific example. Ctrl alt del, lose Chef Brian or drop off this list. Warned, you have been.

2)VG Cats VG Cats is a webcomic by some Canadian guy. I could look his name up on Wikipedia but you can do that. VG Cats is just brilliant, the early comics were a bit slow to get going but the more recent ones are consistently brilliant. Admittedly there are some misses but the hits more than make up for it. Check them site out now! THis one is my favourite.

1) Dinosaur Comics OH SICK, the best videogame webcomic in the world and hence our new Queen is Dinosaur Comics. The shock is twofold. Fold 1. It's not really a videogame comic but occasionally the Devil talks to T-Rex about computer games. Fold 2. It's a Sprite comic which I said was bad. Dinosaur Comics is different though. It's genuinely and consistently funny whilst avoiding the usual pitfalls of cheaply using violence to end a strip or being too in-jokey. Go read all gabijjion of them now they are truly truly awesome. This time it has nothing to do with dinosaurs either! Go read it, you'll laugh and cry all at the same time.

Meanwhile, in video games......

OH FUCKING SICK, DINO FUCKING SAURS in the TOmb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition. I have only just seen this screenies yet my left testicle is now devoid of spunk. As I type I feel the right one emptying onto the floor x

SHINY TOMB RAIDER & DINOSAURS-SICK IT'S FUCKING SICK I TELLS YA.