Monday, August 03, 2009

Little Big Planet and Spore revisited

Oh we are funny!So....

Spore. Guess we were right about that one then. Anyone still playing it? Anyone at all? No. Told you so.

Little Big Planet. Team TGAM doesn't own a PS3 for a number of reasons, the one we most like to pretend is true is because we have standards. The real excuse is that the fucker is still too expensive and there still aren't anywhere near enough decent games to justify a purchase. Anyway, if we did have one I would probably get LBP because I like creating shit in games like gay little designs for Animal Crossing, Crap Levels in Timesplitters or Miis that look like Charles Darwin. We do have some friends (21 to be exact). And some of those friends own a PS3 (12) they aren't gamers in the classic sense. They are normal people with cars and houses and the like. They don't obsess over games or write 2 and a bit games blogs. Aside from dusty copies of Resistance they all own LBP and without exception:

1) Haven't even tried to make their own levels. Some don't even know that you could.
2) Haven't gone online and tried any of the community levels. Or even now that they could or if they did, didn't realise that the levels were made by real people.
3) Played it online at all.
4) Bought any of the DLC.
5) Designed their own sackboys.

Which is sad but also it goes to show that if you are going to go for the casual audience you should give them a paint by numbers book and some crayons (Wii Sports) rather than a blank canvas and a selection of media to use (LBP).

In related news:

Also, none of our PS3 user friends have even heard of Home let alone tried it out. Which is a shame because in a year or two I predict it'll be doing some very interesting things. The same is true for things like Flow, Flower, Echochrome or Pixeljunk. I feel bad helping Sony out by spreading the word about these things.

This is comparable with all of our Wii owning friends who haven't downloaded a single (free) Wii channel or ever browsed the Virtual Console or WiiWare libraries. I've now done it at least eight times on friends consoles. Maybe Ninty should educate people about the expensive things they bought?

Maybe we could get paid for some of this community work too? Just write a check out to TGAM and send it to hotmail.com.

Thx thx bye!

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Monday, July 06, 2009

Ritin little stories about PC games is the new new games journalism

I'm going to start one set in We Love Golf. It'll be a 365 project just you seeEnjoy it before it gets: a) derivative, b) covered by a ""cutting edge"" piece in the guardian TV guide c) Copycatted to death d) wedged into your Xbox 360 a la facebook and twitter in the place of some more useful kind of functionality like, finding the fucking game you've just inserted without negotiating 14 pages of trailers, all your friends' defaultly dressed snoozing avatars, advertising and Rare videos produced using a camera obscura and an etch a sketch.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

We're going to Glastonbury

Image copyright internet 1983

Cause he called our* girlfriend fat innit.


*Yeah we share one.

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

We aren't fans of recycling shit from the internet but sometimes it's worth it.

By *sigh* RoflCopter 761 via Halolz

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pachamama

Hotlinking to some news that's been all over my boink today. For those of you who are lazier than we, the premise is to slap a tax on violent video games to ugh cut knife crime, Britain's second favourite national sport.

We don't think the tax is a good idea because a) People who stab other people don't buy games, they steal them at knifepoint duh and b) People who play games don't stab people*. They stay at home and play games.

I'm all for reducing knife crime but I think there is a better way to be going about it, like nuking Britain from space until knife crime goes down or mass sterilisation of people who wear caps. However, I am in favour of slapping taxes on Theme Hospital to improve the NHS and we should tax the fuck out of Train Simulator to keep trains running on time. Taxes on Katamari Damacy to cure cancer etc. etc.



*Excluding FIFA, Halo, CoD, GoW, the other GoW and MySims.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Nomoreheroesthereview

We have totally forgotten to review No More Heroes. Even though we bought it ages ago. With Zack and Wiki for £20 from amazon.co.uk

Sadly by the time you read this, if our google analytics are to be believed four people will have wanked over this image
It is a very very good game.

I mean four more people obviously
You drive around and something.

She is french
We're addicted to watching the lucky star video on repeat.

Is that a wanking action? Is this the most wankable screenie from a video game ever? Does google pick up words in alt text? Surely
We scoffed at playing with the cat in other reviews. But it is nice sometimes.

This images were taken with a camera from t'telly. Capturing screenshots properly is too much like hard work
It has nice controls too.

There's an ass shot soon
The bit where you use the wiimote as a phone is probably our favourite so far!

That is a nice pile of ash there
We must admit though. We haven't finished it yet. We're savouring it.

Hair! There's hair
The bike is good as is finding all the T-shirts. What's more is that the T-shirts are backwards in the mirror. Genius!

You'd better finish up soon or it could be nasty!
The trash collecting mini game is second only to the lawnmower one.

Are you there yet?
This is for the person who searched for pregnant samus and found TGAM. Sorry but it's the best I've got. The Samus mission is by far the best. Quite how they convinced Nintendo to have her as a boss, we don't know but it is brilliant.

SICK. You just came over a very young looking Yuffie you pervert
Yuffie gets annoying towards the end but there's a great twist before the credits roll. Just buy this game, play it. Enjoy it. Love it! 9.5/10*


*The minus 0.5 marks is because Yuffie dies. Ooops. Shit. [Spoilers]. Is it too late?

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Some of the problems with MMORPGs

I'm not an MMORPG fan. This you may know and I'll say it upfront. Some of the stuff that happens in MMORPGs is interesting to read about and there are some creative folk who can spin a nice tale around something they experienced in an MMORPG. For me though the problem is that the worlds just aren't compelling enough.

Okay, that isn't entirely correct, the worlds are compelling but as soon as you set foot in it the effect rapidly wears off. The cutscene generates excitement but then grinding and questing and PvE events etc. etc. work to make the game into some kind of numbers and skills drive. Nice if you like it, total immersion breaking if you don't know what you are signing up for in an MMORPG.

Case in point? I recently had a look at WAR. It looked nice and everything (immersion breaking HUD aside). My friend (playing as a Magus) summoned his disk of Tzeentch, left the beautiful crystal cave he was in and then crested a hill to end up in the middle of an Elven fortress of some kind. "Cool" I said as the encampment stretched out in front of us, lined with archers, warriors and war machines. Meanwhile, the Elves seem pretty unfazed so we fire balled one and got his attention. A couple of seconds later, the guard was a burning corpse and the rest of the defense force......just stood around. Apparently, not at all fazed that their colleague had been killed and that the base was under some kind of attack. We then saw that a guildmate was in the area so we IMed them and met up. In the middle of the camp. An Orc and an evil wizard stood in the middle of an enemy encampment, shooting the shit, and not getting any trouble from the guards.

"I'm looking for a guy with a sword drop" Noggle IM'ed us.
"Yeah he's named, he's up on the ridge" Was my friends reply.

Both then went off, walked past about 30 guys, who weren't interested (unless you violate their personal bubble of about 2m diameter) greased the named guy and collected the sword. And so it went on.
If this was a game of any other genre, that kind of AI would be game breaking. Maybe Solid Snake and Sam Fisher had it all wrong. You don't need stealth just an air of confidence and you walk straight into the heart of the enemy, kill the bad guy and walk out the front door.

We then went into some kind of capture the flag PvP variant (escort the explosive barrel to the enemy base while they were trying to do the same deal) and the whole universe of Warhammer is shattered when you see 15 disorganised evil doers bundle 15 disorganised 'good guys' for 15 minutes straight. Running around like an idiot, jumping about, clicking icons and keeping your eye on four or five bars is not exactly my definition of fun. There were no tactics, no plan, no communication. Just 15 players spawning, buffing themselves (self gays), running into the fray, dying, respawning. Occasionally someone would pick a barrel up in which case there was some vague sense of escorting them to the base but everytime the ensuing melee would leave everyone, barrel carrier included, dead to start the pointless trial again.

It strikes me that a group of well organised players could dominate most of the game, until that is they hit bad guys of sufficiently higher level which is where MMORPGs suck people in. Leveling. I hate it. And these days, everything is leveling, spells, skills, renown, the guild blah blah blah.

It seems to me that MMORPGs could put their pretensions away for a while and learn something from other genres and dare I say it, console games. Here's a list, as ever, numbered:

1) More mini games.
I'm not talking about wiimote waggling mini games proper mini games that are engrossing and a whole new game in their own right. Remember the FFVIII card game? Addictive as hell. Why every MMORPG hasn't just ripped this off is bewildering. Or Blitzball!? I knew a guy who spent practically two years solidly playing blitzball in FFX. In a game like WAR the obvious mini game would be blood bowl. Imagine it. In fact, there's a whole new class, a Blood Bowl coach. Crap in combat but get some special items from a few quests to boost the coaches performance in a match and if your regional team beats another regions team, the whole faction gets a boost (in various things) until the next match.
Imagine hundreds of players congregating weekly to fill the stadium to watch a game. Hoping that their team wins. Hell, go down this road and you could have your own hall of fame per faction of players of renown.

2) Better Exploration.
A fraction (I won't hazard a guess as to how many) of MMORPGs cite exploration as reason for playing MMORPGs. Problem is, exploration in MMORPGs is shit. They need to take a cue from GTA and Oblivion (Fallout 3 too). Make exploration interesting. As Chuff_72, friend of TGAM says: "Anything, why isn't there a catapult on top of the highest mountain with a parachute to fire you around FOR FUN, or a ski slope, you could argue that this breaks the atmosphere but frankly that's a cop-out. A mini orc circus or fair, with a shooting game, SOMETHING other than walk miles, hit a guy in the face, walk some more." As someone who spent hours exploring San Andreas I fully agree. Reward the players with hidden areas and hide them so well that only the most avid explorer will find them. It could even be built into the game, if you get a guild of explorers together they can go off and discover whole new continents, unlocking new items globally.

3) Persistent worlds.
The ultimate MMORPG lie. Play Animal Crossing for a month and you have a real feel that you have changed the town. Swap records with friends in Pokemon and you are occasionally surprised to see a TV show talking about the feats of one of your friends from undertaking a hardcore feat through to the ridiculous. Play any RTS and you really get a feeling for your base, think carefully about where you build your new buildings and where you put bunkers etc. Play an MMORPG and the hub is the hub is the hub. Some areas can be 'captured' in MMORPGs but often this results in everything being blue to being purple, until the good guys recapture it. Why not launch an MMO where there are no settlements whatsoever. Players can then band together and start to build one. Harvesting resources and building villages, towns and cities in the shape they want. Take the building design thing from Spore, and the resource management and city creation from SimCity and Command and Conquer and you'd be on to a winner.
Players who build their own settlement will be much more connected to it and you'd start to get some interesting conflicts over resources for building between factions and between settlements.
Don't like the main city the players created? Find fellow players unhappy with the status quo and set up your own colony. Every building can be destroyed meaning that to get a big illustrious city you have to defend it pretty well. This means that if you went to a different server the world we be completely different depending on where the factions built their settlements. One server might be a classic setup with good in one corner and bad in the polar opposite. Another server might have one faction building cities whilst the other faction exists in a guerilla state, relying on thieving and raiding to live in nomadic like settlements. It would be great, trust me.

4) Better character customisation.
Okay a potential problem for PvP players because you need to recognise what class you are up against to work out if you are on the right side of the paper, scissors, stone triangle to bother with the fight. But come on. PlayStation games offered superior customizations than your typical MMORPG and they were games you weren't expected to spend 2000 hours looking at the back of your characters head. Character customisation is so dreary, you'd be hard pressed to tell one MMORPG from another from a screen shot, but you would be able to tell what class they were. Some might worry that you lose the sense of a universe if all the buildings and inhabitants looked completely different, but then most universe seem obsessed on making you kill 24 frogs, or rats, or crabs or XXXXs for rewards. At least make everyone start out generic but allow them to customise their character as they progress. That way players would know to instantly fear the giant electric pink gimp, not because they were a gimp but because they'd spent a lot of time in the game to customise their avatar to such a degree.

5) Dispense with leveling.
I don't know how this would work. Leveling keeps players playing and buying expansions and keeps MMORPGs in business. Dispense of it and it becomes another throw away game. Leveling as a means of progression is very cheap though and an easy way to prevent players from running from the starting hub right to the last stage or phase of the open world. Some other mechanism of unlocking new areas, items and skills would be desirable and help to take the genre away from being a basically tarted up numbers game.

6) Persistent worlds II
Did you beat the big bad boss that everyone in the last village was complaining about but didn't get the drop you wanted? It's fine, just come back later and he and his minions will be there again. Every day, round the clock. Narrative breaking. Immersion breaking. And sad to think that villages are kept in perpetual fear by the ever-respawning local bad guy. By the same token it would be a pretty poor game if you spend the whole time trailing the servers leading group, coming across the still warm corpses of all the big bad bosses. In some MMORPGs this system is so broken that you have to queue up to fight a particular battle. Game breaking indeed.
A way around this is, if you beat the local bad guy, you become the local bad guy. Taking their place either permanently, choosing to settle in, decorate the place and choose your own army of minions or by leaving a copy of yourself. This way, it at least makes sense in terms of the storyline and in theory could result in some interesting dynamics.

7) More server wide celebrities.
There may be some MMORPG 'celebrities' but unless you play every day and haunt the forums, you'd be hard pressed to pick out any kind of achiever, arch nemesis or hero on any given server. NPCs should be programmed to chatter about a particular player character who has been causing havoc recently. Some MMORPGs have a king or lord which is one way of drawing attention to successful players but more effort should be put into recognising individuals. If one guild consistently defends a settlement from being razed to the ground then the villagers should start singing their praises. And if the town is overtaken it takes a while for the citizens to stop complaining that things were better under the "I love willies" for example. This would help players build attachments to areas of the world and also add a bit of comedy when NPCs become attached to a particular player.

8) Get rid of the HUD and try to make things look more exciting.
I'm not offering up any answers to this but some of the stuff going on in EVE Online sounds amazing. Watch a video though and it looks like a poor screensaver. The same is true with fantasy MMORPGs. Watch the top players play against each other on GomTV and die of boredom as two avatars jump around each other until one falls over. The HUD and little numbers hovering above players heads need to go. Again, it all makes you take one step back from the universe and just looks , well crap. Also, we all know about bullshots in console games but compare the FMV of most MMORPGs and compare them to the game itself. They are two completely different entities. One is dramatic and exciting and leaves you wanting more and the other is boring and silly with little people firing blue crap at each other whilst hopping around. Plenty of other games manage to disguise or hide menus and lifebars so MMORPGs should look to do this so that regardless of whether or not you know what dps is, the fights look good to everyone not just the people behind the clicking or people who know exactly what is going on when 'the green shit appears on one guys head and the other guy keeps spinning on the spot". Hard to pull off but I think it would help in the long run. Perhaps a bushido blade system should be implemented. It would be hard and tip the scale in the favour of skill, over level and would probably drive most MMORPG players away.

So there we have it. Anyone in the know will probably go through this list one by one picking out why each of the above is either impossible or game breaking so we'll just stick with what we've got thank you very much. That may be fine but until then myself and a few others will remain skeptical that MMORPGs are little more than poor copycat machines designed to keep people paying subs. It's not that MMORPGs aren't popular of course but they could be a hellovalot more compelling IMO.

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Preserved for future use

Comment on a PC whinge blog on a post about PC gaming and how EPIC games (the company) left it's nice smart, flat-chested girlfriend (the PC) for an attractive big chested slut (consoles). If this taken out of context, context isn't cringe-worthy enough:

"… and she has a drawer full of the most variegated toys and an active imagination concerning how to use them. This explains why, when slagging off on the ex, from time to time the new Console Elite’s pupils will dilate, his gait will devolve to something between a stagger and a waddle, and he will start muttering something about “configuration problems landing me in A&R a few times."

Dude. It's a PC. Make some graphs and leaflets if you need to but keep your trousers on whilst you do. Oh and stop watching Battlestar Galactica.

In other news:

TGAM's Top 10 PC games 2008:

1) The Sims 2. Dual heritage edition.
2) The adventures of super person in super land, where everyone else is entitled to and has the same level of adventures and super powers anyway.
3) Nintenisn'ttheworkforcemuchnicernowthatitisdiverse.
4) Cooking Momma, Papa, brother and sister, animal and homosexual neighbour.
5) Call of Duty: World in peace.
6) Civilisation V: Open all borders.
7) Multifaith deities or no god at all of War.
8) Super Lyndsey Siblings.
9) Spore.
10) Kotobagari Damacy.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Issues in gaming: The Watchmen

Lots of people complaining about the Watchmen being turned into a film. Also, some people complaining that it is being turned into a game. All complaining that it would be inappropriate to convert such a masterpiece as it was meant to be a comic and the creator never wanted it to be adapted.

Yeah, that just doesn't wash. Of course it will be shit film and game because most films and games are shit. Broken. Couldn't carry a narrative to save their lives. Boxed in by gaming conventions and held back by lack of creativity we are a while off yet before games can carry a serious story without:

a) Getting silly in the last two levels and brining in Aliens, Monsters, Cloning, Mad Doctors or just losing the plot a bit. Finished a game recently, no? Seen a good ending in games ever? No.

b) Having some kind of moving crate/box or barrel problem to solve.

c) Crappy AI........

....... aaabaggd) Sharing an online world with the actual scum of the earth empowered by the ability to insult you without you being able to do something.

And we all know that films are shit these days and have probably always been. Shit or pretentious. Never "great".

But people's complaints about the Watchmen not being convertable are pretending that the original content is somehow amazing or untouchable. It is not. Pretty standard comic book japery albeit with a bit of blood and tits. Oh and cancer and shagging so it must be properly grown up. Oh and a pirate ship story in the story! Oooooh clever. It is better than most superhero comics because most of these comics have characters going back in time and impregnating their alternate universe 1950s versions of their own mothers in order to prevent some universe travelling immortal who destroys planets. That's after they've been revived yet again even though they died in 48/52 other spin off series.

And all non super hero comics are pointless. Just write a book for god's sake.

One game would make a nice comic book though and that's XIII. Make that game I say!

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Photocopier

Whatever Agent Smith. Ha jokes from 5 years ago!Note to anyone who has been, is or ever will be associated with a Star Wars game.

Is it at all possible to be so brash to ask that we the gamers don't have to play the Echo Base Hoth battle ever again? Can't we come up with some kind of peripheral that scans all your memory cards and save files in your house and just skips that whole level if it finds a Star Wars save game, which we must have done about a million times.

Yes, using the tow cable to pull down the At-Ats is fun the first two hundred times but enough is enough. Lets stop it now and come up with something that we don't have to borrow from 1980. Because at the moment, when I die, killing that first zombie in resident evil (and subsequent remakes) and going round and round At-ats is going to take up a considerable chunk of my whole life flashing before my eyes. Like more than a fifth at least.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Little Sales, Big Joke

Of course I am talking about LittleBigPlanet. Remember the hype? The endless conference videos showing the game, Kotaku, GameSpot and every other popular gaming blog totally selling out to Media molecule? Those annoying videos where someone recreated another game in LBP, a game that you could probably by on the virtual console anyway? Did anyone see the akward TV spots?

Still not a girl!
This is egg on the face of all those with high hopes for this "game" and ultimately a sign that a game like LBP may be great in an office full of game journalists with a shared PS3 but for the average joe? It seems that Mario Kart Wii will do fine.

So where does this leave the PS3? Pretty much all the stuff that was due for launch finally came out and it all came out with a poof! Rather than a bang. Is anyone even playing MGS4? No, thought not. Resistance 2 and Resistance? HA! Ummm... Home? Oh not out yet. So much for killer aps.

Looks like the 360 fanboys won the skirmish, battle and war. Just in time for their 360s to be turned into Wiis. Unlucky.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Exciting E3 news!

We've been wanting to use this image for ages. Now seemed like a good time.Bored of Summer shitty games? Want something more than news about more crappy rock updates for Rock Band/Guitar Hero? E3 is here to deliver. Every year E3 has a theme. This year the theme is "innovation" and the line up of games on show really underpins that.

New Resident Evil 5 trailer!- Like Resident Evil 4 but shinier with vehicle sections.

Final Fantasy XIII- Like Final Fantasy X but shinier with more androgenous characters/airships and the same summons etc. from every other game. Vehicle sections yet to be confirmed.

Gear of War 2- Like Gears of War but with vehicles.

Dante confirmed for Soul Calibre IV!- Like Soul Calibur III but with Dante.

Metal Gear Flaccid 4 special edition- With extra cutscenes and the option to turn "jam" on/off because it's wacky you see! It's random and wacky! Kojiiiima is a random whacko! Woo! Woo! I am a train.

Rockband 2 Band Manager peripheral- Introduce yet another key aspect of being in a real band! Mobile phone peripheral allows the manager to order coke whilst the band plays. Peripheral priced at $600 and £111400 for the UK. Also, Rockband 2 set to include vehicle sections and dual wielding.

Galaga sequel planned- Remember Galaga? No? Well it was shit then and is shit now but a sequel is coming. Potentially with vehicle sections.

Wii Talking about shoes and whinging about boyfriends announced- Comes with shoes peripheral that carve up your feet and improve your blister plaster applying skills.

Gangland Marine Dizzy- The first new Dizzy game in 50 years! Play as Dizzy through an open world of warehouses and post apocalytpic ghetto areas. Fight generic aliens and use an innovative cover system! Vehicle section tbc.

Ubisoft announces new Ubisfotz game for the DS- Play as a real world Ubisoft employer! Come up with derivative copy cat games to earn money!

Wow. Exciting times readers. Exciting fucking times.

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Yahtzee Croshaw namechacks That guy's, struggles with Nintendo controls.

As ever, Yahtzee Croshaw delivers yet another enjoyable zero punctuation*. This time it's super smash brothers brawl. However, it's obvious from the review that he struggles with the control system. Now, we aren't haters here but people who can't play SSBB? We're no experts ourselves and in fact the antipenultimate time the maniacs met up Richie and I didn't enjoy getting double-team-violated by Fox and Falco up against the Great Fox. :(

FLAME ON

Still. Yahtzee loses some of his cool points because he can't work out the controls. It's not rocket science and it is the third iteration. He tries to cover his noobishness with layers of fanboy baiting and talk about "friends" and "multiplayer situations" but he has exposed a weakness. In fact he even comes across as a bit girly (not racist-girly like Anne Diamond's game reviews girly) and this is coming from a PC gamer so he should be used to retarded controls. And games. And PC gamer friends. (Here's a tip if you are struggling with the controls, leave the main screen on idle and you get a demonstration).

However, he does regain many more cool points by name checking "That Guy" and "That Guy's" both of which are registered trademarks of TGAM. So keep on trucking Yahtzee and try to steer away from those complicated Nintendo games.

*The bastards over at the "escapist magazine" must feel pretty crappy because until zero punctuation featured on their site they were in the same box as IGN and Joystiq. Sites that no one visits or cares about but whos staffers try really really hard to write intelligently about games. :( unlucky The Escapist. 5/10 Try harder.

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