Thursday, October 15, 2009

Breaking News

Internet fiend and Leaderboard legend the Hockster just gave us the tip-off about the new Resident Evil 4 HD version. We're pretty sure this is breaking so you'll see it in a TTECNK on lesser sites soon.

Here is the original:
You thee I am a thpanith giant! Here is Resident Evil 4 HD. You can see that Capcom, fingers burnt from Resident Evil 5, have played it safe and set the whole thing in Asia land.
Expect upskirt shots within minutes. Can't racist yourself! Except you are being racist if you just racist yourself and not everyone. Try again Capcom.

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

RAM RAIDER EXCLUSIVE! PC ZONE WALKOUT

Exclusive from the legendary RAM RAIDER! There has been a walkout at PC Zone magazine! A guy, a guy and some other guy and another guy have walked out leaving the Future Publishing magazine in potential jeopardy!

PC Zone RIP


We asked our source in the heart of Future Publishing some questions surrounding the ordeal:

Us: So what is a "PC".
Our source: Umm it's like a machine for making books and graphs.
Us: Oh. Okay. So what was the magazine about?
Our secret source whose name shall never be revealed: It was about how to write good books and to make cool graphs and to print out labels for CDs and shit.
Us: Shit. And why the walkout at the magazine?
Our super spy inside the actual heart of the "enemy" in between the valves: I think someone accidentally printed out a graph on the wrong side of some glossy paper and someone called it the worst F*****g graph they ever saw.
Us: Damn man! So what is the future for the magazine?
Our source: Both readers of the magazine will be attending a quiet ceremony at Future Publishing Office in Bath. A ceremony OF THROWING FLAMING DEATH STARS*!!
Us: Thanks Graham Barlow former editor of MacFormat!
Graham Barlow: No worries Keith and Mike "writers" of popular games blog that has gone down hill ever since the first post!
Graham, Keith and Mike: Oh no!!!!.....


*Stars of Death not THE Death Star.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A weekend of two (4) games

Yes children! This weekend I actually played some games. Shock and awe is what you are no doubt feeling now. Not satisfied with persistently sitting on the sidelines poo pooing any game that someone else might be interested I decided to see if I still had it and played me some games*.

Wooty tootFirst up I played Turok for the Xbox 360. Totally bog standard shooter that borrows more than quite a lot from Gears of War from the token black guy who carries big guns to running around for six levels for the sake of some comms device. However, it had dinosaurs in it which means an instant 10/10. I totally busted it too! It took me a shocking 15 hours-ish but I enjoyed it nonetheless. All that crap about decent AI was still total bullshit too but it did have some nice boss battles. It is sad that the cheevos were so poorly thought through with the majority linked to multiplayer crap.

Then I busted up Dinotopia The Sunstone Odyysey. It took about 5 hours and 50 minutes of my life. The game started off as truly awful and then got progressively better until it peaked at 10/10 around 2 minutes into the game. If you haven't heard of it, buy it and play it. It's an underrated classic, you know like Beyond Good and Evil and Ico. In fact there was a general consensus that it was similar to but much much better than WoW.

I also tried to do Dino Crisis 3, going for the holy Xbox Dino Games Triathlon but the smart guys at Microsoft haven't made it back compatible yet. SAD SMILEY FACES ON THE HOUSE GUYS.

Then we did some museuming, firstly in Liberty City Museum, taking in the Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus and Whale (below). Then in Chicago Historical museum(above)! It was sweet!

BEHIND YOU SHITFUCK Expect all this dinosaur related-shittery to get the full treatment over here sometime before 2009.


*Assholes in the audience point out that Turok, GTA IV, Stranglehold or Dinotopia are not real games, then go back to playing Guitar Hero and WoW.

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Saturday, July 05, 2008

Slap

Aaaaron Greenberg is some guy. He was saying some thing about games earlier.

But he does have a massive SLAP. Just look at it. It goes on and on. Aaaaaaron Greenberg you have a fine SLAP sir. A fine SLAP. Do you get security guards to patrol it? Do you? Do you sell parts of it for advertising or mineral prospecting? Is your slap self sustaining? It could be. That is some prime farming land you have above your eyes there sir. Yes it is.

So there we have it. Greenberg-Slap.

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Friday, May 02, 2008

An open letter to the editor of the Official Nintendo Magazine and the MD of Nintendo Europe

Dear Chandra, or whoever.

I won't say I'm a fan of ONM but I am a regular buyer as the free gifts are sometimes good and you do get the lowdown on games that your Future Publishing colleagues gloss over because they have real games to review like GTA and Dead Rising. In addition I have been diagnosed with the deliberating (UPDATE: I totally meant deliberating and not debillitating) condition GFP (Gay for Pokemon). Sadly this means that I often pick up a copy of your magazine.

Monthly your magazine offends me. You seem to be stuck in a 1990s time warp where you OMG! in the magazine when you get a female member of staff and you think that comments about your hair and staff member's real lives are of interest to the reader. Frankly I don't care if Chris or Martin or some other office monkey is looking after a new born baby. Furthermore you really have to stop making captions about curries every time you use a screenshot with fire coming out of a characters mouth or anus. As far as I am aware (and I've checked) that never really was funny.

However, until now ONM has been an innocuous piece of fluff to pick up and read when EDGE gets too pretentious or previews yet another game that is never going to leave Japan. But I was particularly offended when I picked up your second "pokemon "special" issue", note how I put speech marks around all three words and then again around "special". I picked up the first issue and it was okay. You cheekily padded it out by reprinting the reviews of Pokemon Diamond/Pearl and Pokemon Ranger but at the time it seemed a sensible thing to do and it made the issue a nice summary of the new gen of pokemon games designed to line the pockets of Nintendo so they can crank out another awful Mario spin off which you contractually give an 8+ to in a review. The other content wasn't anything that you couldn't get off the internet. In fact it was much much less than you could get from the internet. Pointless almost spoilers about new evolution methods and a redundant pokedex that listed scant information that is of no use to anything but the recently postnatal of players. But the game was new (well in Europe), so maybe you didn't want to spoil it for anyone and as no doubt your marketing people have told you, your main consumer is twelve years old, so to them your special issue may have been an insight that they themselves can't find on the internet, without giving too much away. It appears that you didn't use your leverage as the "Official magazine" to provide any information that wasn't already out there. In fact you could have written the whole issue without playing the games (Ctrl + V reviews included) at all.

It was then, with some great surprise, I saw that a second pokemon special issue was published. Aha! I thought. Maybe this will be where Chris? or is it Martin?, the one who you mentioned was obsessed with pokemon in every issue for four months, would write an exceptional issue providing hints and info that you held back in the first one. Maybe a guide to getting some of those FAQ'd items (such as the second Dawn Stone) as well as a proper pokedex with info on where and how you get some pokemon such as Jirachi, Ho-oh or Lugia. Maybe even a really comprehensive volume touching on some of the "deeper" aspects of the game such as EV training, breeding, the importance of natures and even IVs. Because lets face it, it's annoying having to copy everythng down from Serebii.net so a hard copy version would have been welcomed.

So it was with mild interest that I picked up the second (and rather thin) special issue. But upon opening it and looking at the contents page I thought there had been some kind of error. That you reprinted the first one again by accident. Imagine my surprise at seeing the review for Pokemon Diamond/Peark and Pokemon Ranger reprinted yet again! Pay that reviewer overtime because that's the third time you've used those reviews and yet in a previous ONM issue you complained that Chris, or is it Martin?, was working extra hard on putting the second special issue together! Yes I bet he had to work very hard finding the old files yet again. And is a one year old review of Pokemon Ranger really worth it? And so I thumbed through the "rest" of the issue to see more of the same, a few more "almost-spoilers" like if you go to the old Chateau "you might see something". And there it all was or wasn't. No daily things-to-do guide, no contest guide, no advance tech, no useful pokedex or how-to-get guide. Most of the content isn't useful or unknown by the average pokemon player either. Even if people don't have the internet there was still very little they could actually get from your issue in terms of completing the pokedex or getting into the game. Pretty inexscusable really but then again you know that all the hard work Chris/Martin or is it Lewis? puts in is only going to be wasted on young children who get their parents to buy it for them without actually questioning the content or comparing it to previous works.

So well done you. Big pat on the back because for all intents you probably got away with such lazy lazy "journalism" but be aware that some of us are onto you hacks. So the next time I open your mediocre magazine I don't want to read about how hard you've been working on a new special issues because in reality it's all useless lazy copy and pasted fluff which makes you the butt of future publishing's game magazines and why no-one in the wider games journalism circles even takes you bunch of jokers seriously enough to write about how much they hate you a la EDGE.

Regards*

Cunzy1 1

*We're watching you http://thatguys.co.uk

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Perhaps the world's greatest gaming video ever

Yes, perhaps it is better than even Dead Fantasy I and II! This is what gaming TV should be like. Kudos for anyone who can name everyone in this semi- who's who of British videogames before the credits roll.....

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Watch

Monday, March 17, 2008

Remember the Irish

So Google is telling me it is St. Patrick's day either today, yesterday, tomorrow or this week sometime. St. Patrick's day is a day when the English get excited because for the lower classes it's an excuse to get special on Guinness and vomit on a car because we're not allowed to celebrate St.George's day because any kind of patriotism is racist these days. So in honour we're going to remember some of our favourite Irish gamers:

1) Keith "no saves" Blarney
Ne'er before or since Keith "no saves" has the world experienced a gamer so committed to busting games without saving. One time we were interviewing Keith at PAX and he ate a GBA in rage because someone was auto- saving in the booth next to him. Alas, Keith passed away in 2005 after four days straight of playing GTA San Andreas. He leaves behind a widow, two children and an unused PlayStation Memory Card we imagine he received from a well intending Grandma one Christmas.

2) Kieran "Multipass-Miles" Prower
One of the all time greatest Super Monkey Ball players of all time and surprisingly the only Irish gamer in this list who has been inducted into the All Time Great All Timers Gamer Hall of Fame. But, if there was a monkey in a ball you can guarantee he was umm..... rolling it. He also drew a picture of me as Claire Redfield once. It was awesome.

3) Siobahn "Double Click" Charm
For five years she held the record for the fastest double clicks in the world. Unfortunately, in 2005 after suffering a tendon strain she failed to make the national semis and retired from the pro tour. She can still be seen hustling in internet cafes in and around Dublin.

4) Keeno "super stealth" Rivets
Half Irish-half Italian, Keeno is probably still the greatest stealth game player of all time. He took every major Stealth Game Olympics title from 2002-2007. Records include the infamous 56 hour stealth on Metal Gear Solid: Potable Ops to take the 2007 title and fans fondly remember the 2004 SGO where he scooped gold in every event* despite not even being there.

Stealth games suck

5) Raz "No Scope" Black
Perhaps the most famous Irish Gamer of all time. Raz was brought up in a household with three older siblings and hence was only used to gaming with hand-me-down joypads, often with buttons missing or stuck in with jam and other sugary substances. It was due to this training that Raz allegedly never zoomed in with a weapon yet could no scope from any distance on any game. Raz still holds the records for the Bricking It, Pane in the Neck and Stain Removal challenges on Timesplitters 2 although in recent years a number of kiss and tell stories in the tabloids from ex-girlfriends claim that Raz wasn't as no-scoping as he claimed in the games media. The ongoing court cases will hopefully clear Raz's rep but either way this gamer still has a number of tournament wins under his belt.

So well the done the Irish! The gaming landscape wouldn't be the same without these contenders. Let's all raise a Guinness in their honour.

* UPDATE a number of readers have written in to point out that Keeno only managed the Silver in the Codemaster's SAS Combat event, the gold going to Div1ne W1nd obviously. Apologies.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

We* know** someone*** famous****

What with being listed as an "industry link" over on RAMRAIDER and now knowing** the top Geometry Wars Galaxy player in the world surely this is the year of the maniac. And look!, Games Media Awards people, no ads so perhaps we should win the Best Commercial Non-Commercial Commercial Website Or Blog this year yeah? Yeah? Then we can finally give up our jobs packing battery chickens and write posts about Resident Evil full time!
GaySo without further ado, congratulations to DR Hamhock MD who by now must have been signed by Nintendo and is currently developing a Dr Hamhock limited edition Wiimote holder and/or DS stylus for mass release. Well done, you made it son*****, you made it.

* By we I mean me. Cunzy1 1. Richie left the blog about two years ago and since then I've been dressing up as her and doing posts about dildonics and naruto. That was until Claire interrupted me when I had the Richie wig on and was posing in the mirror talking in a Scottish accent. I went 'special' for a bit then but I'm okay now.

** By know, I mean straight (not gay) flirt with in the comments section on UK:Resistance every now and then. I also mean, have been meaning to add as a link (to the right) for three months but have to wait until I have six months off work to wait for blogger to republish the whole blog. That was heterosexual flirting by the way.

*** Presumably it is someone but we don't know for sure. It could just be a bot or spider******

**** Really depends on your definition of famous I guess. Some people might argue that gamers on the top of leaderboards aren't famous, some might argue that gamers the top of a nintendo leaderboard aren't famous because to-date only seven Wii owners realise that their Wii can go online. But then most people are stupid and poor.

***** I wish I hadn't used "son". It's a bit American, pretentious and condescending. With hindsight I should have used "King of the World" or just "the good Doctor". Oh well it's done now. No way of taking it back.

****** Technical terms for software developed by the FBI in collaboration with the American government that create websites to make real bloggers feel useful and important when they get a new comment or link from another "blogger". According to
Boingboing there are only five real bloggers on the internet.

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Ironic game of the year 2007 even though it was released in 2006 and it is now 2008

Bum bum der la bum de bum bum. Bum de la bum bum de la bum bum, bum de la
It's Tanks! from Wii play. It's the greatest game of all time. The best multiplayer experience since the original Half Life. It has everything. Tanks, trumpet noises, wood, wouldn't, mines etc. Just play it with a friend and you'll be playing for the rest of your life, endorphins dripping from every orifice. It's the game WoW should have been, it's what all the Zelda games have been aspiring to. It's the darkest survival horror game since the Net Yaroze classic Haunted Maze. It's faster than Wipeout, longer than all the Final Fantasy games put together. It's more tactical than Advance wars and Kurushi put together. It's more addictive than the PlayStation version of Hidden and Dangerous. It's more stealthy than the-as-yet-unreleased Metal Gear Solid: Ultimate sneaky sneaky time. 10/10, five stars, five thumbs up, TGAM official gold seal of approval. Maximum out of any positive rating system ever. We're serious about this kids. Deadly serious.

P.S. Happy new year. And don't worry about the last few posts, we're getting into our stride here.

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Saturday, November 17, 2007

That Guy's Are The Worst Wedding Guests

Last week, Richie and I travelled to snowy Estonia for the wedding of our old friend Randy McSporran. Suffice to say the event was chaotic and it's probably a good thing that Cunzy and Richie are normally seperated by several hundred miles. Memory is still a bit hazy but here is the summary;

Stansted at midnight, vodka, coke, Pokemon Diamond, smking, checking-in, vodka and red bull at 3 in the morning, legendary battle, Ponyta, Omastar, Focus Band, Cunzy afraid of flying, airport dimensia, immaturity, Doug and Liz, Easy Jet, flying, landing, Randy and Ollie, new friends, sniffer dogs, bus, 'fit' or 'fat', hotel, mini bar, spluff on beds, snooker, MacDonalds, Kat, supermarket, Seaman's shot, Absinthe, Dark Dog, cheese waffles, Kent fags, drinking, raging, stupid cocktail, some other liquer, mixers, bull pish, more absinthe, Richie vomit, pub, Pokemon talk, stag night, kissing men, fighting, beer, Richie wiping things of his shoe onto a girl, strip club, lots of money spent, private dance, arguing with Tom, Randy showing us the venue for the wedding at stupid o clock in the morning, Cunzy vomit, phoning girlfriend, girlfriend laughing, dropping my phone in the toilet, sleep, MISSING THE CEREMONY, shame, hangover, champagne, smoking, medieval restaurant, elk, bear, wild boar, salmon, spicy lentils, wine, more smoking, memory card for sale, alcoholic homeless man, barmaids, singing, speeches, rose pudding, bit drunk again, no money, reception, champagne, vodka, beer, bubbles, bubbles in Chris's beer, smoking, Mulan first dance, vodka, dancing, kidnap, arguing, drinking, Will in the bogs, shouting, kidnap of bride, vodka, singing Wet wet wet, return of the bride, chicken wings, cake, heroin addicts, evolution, pokemon theme tune, no PQT :(, dancing, smoking, dancing, drinking, message book, not racist limmerick, bride dancing in underwear, Richie no top, Doug no top, no tops hugging, smoking, dancing, Richie finishing tab, bad mood Richie, crazy barmaids, horrible jaded, jealous little man, horrible jaded medium sized man, wake up in time, taxi, airport, airport, immature, Jpod, plane, water, Family guy, half an episode, UK, smoking, home, tired, tired, liver failure?

Overall it was great but team TGAM only have another two weddings in us before we die of alcohol abuse so if you want us at your wedding book early. Also, there's every chance that we won't make the ceremony.

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Musing on Music

Video Game Music. The music of video games. Some of it is epic, some of it is very evocative and some of it is nausiating in the extreme. There are a lot of very active video game music "rearrangers", remixers and performers from the grand Video Games Lives concert, hit and miss OCremix, very raw soundclick to TGAM favourite Diversion (check the show every Thursday).

From the weaboist of obscure JRPG music to the new tunes of Portal a vast swathe of it is shit. It is, don't pretend otherwise. Do you remember in the 90s where every game had an American "ROCK" soundtrack? Instantly forgotten by the next loading screen.
And if video game music is mostly bad the remixes are even worse. The world does not need tinny electric guitar "rock" versions of the three notes in the chorus of the Hyrulian Field theme. There also seems to be a race to remix the dullest least memorable theme from the most obscure Japanese RPG. For god's sake just remix One Winged Angel, get it out of your system and move on fanboy.

What the world does need is more Tetris remixes. There are already a gazillion and they are all great. I have listened to most of them, happy hard core, flute versions, jumpstyle, techno, trance and combinations of all of those styles are available to the discerning listener. I have consumed them all but I am hungry for more.
Yesterday on a routine sweep of the internet for Tetris remixes I discovered the greatest version yet. This is a big claim, perhaps the biggest claim I ever made, perhaps this is my purpose, my destiny. This is why I was put here to find the greatest rearrangment of an old game. I don't know how it can be bettered though. Destiny fulfilled methinks!

So here it is, Tetris by DaCaV found over at Soundclick.

Click this to listen dacav+tetrisbydacav5.mp3





REVIEW It is great because it combines the music of Tetris with words! Some of those words are bottom and D-Cups. It also doesn't bother with trying to combine the Music A and Music B themes which others do. Don't get me wrong I like the B Music but the A music can stand on it's own two feet. C Music can fuck off. This song is also great because the lyrics talk about 'connecting like Tetris' the song then goes on about boobs and bums bouncing which this author wants from her Tetris remixes. 9.5/10

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Thursday, October 04, 2007

Gotta Name them All!

This month's EDGE (181) featured a cool virtual tube (underground/metro or playmobil train set in the case of Glasgow) map on the inside of their back over. Scans coming soon. Anyway each stop featured a virtual setting.

Can you name the games? Can you name them all?

Cerobi Steppe,Frosty Retreat, Station Square, Nibenay Basin, Gates of Rixis, Brinstar,Ironforge, Bowerstone, Thunder Bluff, Jolly Roger Bay, Dullstown, Skingrad, Gizzard Gulch, Burial Mounds, Cosmo Canyon, Mammago's Garage, Vinewood, Barheim Passage, Nova Prospekt, Monkey Islands, Wario Stadium, Big Surf Groove, Goro's Lair, Blood Gulch, Battle Creek, Mushroom Rock Road, Shady Sands, Kamiki Village, Silk Road Ruins, Phendrana Drifts, Quartz Quadrant, Zack Island, Portland, Sherman Dam, Carrick Point, Death Peak, La Razza Canal, Modesto Heights, Gaia's Navel, North Point, Kakariko Village, Old Bullworth Vale, Ravenholm, Sunset Penninsula, Terramax, Mumbo's Mountain, Tulip Garden, Simian Acres, Spring Valley, Jacinto Plateau, Sirena Beach, Stonemarket, Kokiri Forest, Rubacava, Oakvale, Liang Province, Vinculum Gate, Londo, Hyrule Field, Sasa Sancctuary, Bianco Hills, Hazel Street, Tairon, Woodsise Apts, Union Hill District, Bachman Road, Fort Frolic, Brookhaven Hospital, Grind Square, High Charity, Thurvean Sector, Luca, Littleroot Town, Dustwallow Marsh, Devil's Canyon, Vivec, Lake Oblongata, Croft Manor, Vennicio, Bhujerba, Dobuita, Balance Valley, Sky Downtown, Neversdale, Soft Museum, Badlands, Ricco Harbour, Shoreside Vale, Rainbow Road, Twinkie Park, Wonderland Plaza, Smashville, Silvercreek Dam, Widow's Patch, Mortvia Aqueduct, Fire Field, Battery Park, Fjorkin Village, Datadyne Central

I can't!

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Friday, August 03, 2007

War of the Servers

You may have heard of a machinima called War of the Servers already. If not watch it now! That's an order private! Here's the trailer:

It's good machinima it has a classic plot retold and revamped, it's beautifully shot, plenty of action a splash of drama, there are in-jokes,,cameos. It really is great, the score even. If you have never liked or even watched machinima then give this one a go. It's all on Youtube, some meaty 7 episodes and over an hour of material. Watch it! Watch it! Watch it! You won't be sorry.

"Kind of like Blue Screen Of Death without the cringeyness mixed with Red vs. Blue without the boredom of all the bopping men" Four Stars, Cunzy1 1 TGAM
Put that on the DVD box Stoneman you mentalist

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Well thank fuck for that

Alright dudes and dudettes TGAM is back. Our temporary exile from this most fantastic blog has mean you guys missed out on some excellent posts:

1) The post that was a parody of this one from UK:Res. Oh man it was pretty funny and included some out of the box fresh images.
2) Our belated game-themed christmas carols sung in the style of you're average yanky warbler like "Saiiiii ay ay ay yai halent hill, Ho oo ooo oo oo oo ly hill ayll is braaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyiayyiayt". That was a genius post I'm telling you.
3) You missed some of Chuff_72's anecdotes like the time he believed he liked Tekken and the time he hated the XBox 360.
4) You missed the congratulations, congratulations, commisserations posts for Richie getting a stunning girl, marrying her and then subsequently she died. Of the face AIDS.
5) Our photo exclusive of what happens when you drink 7 pints of wife-beater (stella artois) or big wkd blues (for Richie) and then play Wario Ware smooth moves on the Wii taking shots of Absynthe every time you lose a game. Suffice to say we killed the TGAM cat Celeste. We miss you greatly Kitty but we still have our flickr collection of you wearing a hat, walking on the keyboard looking like you are playing WoW or just looking at the camera like an evil kitty.
6) Our hands on with Dead Rising 2. It's fucking awesome, Zangief, Leon and a dude from Lost Planet are in it. And oh yes oh fukting yes
You didn't miss
1) Our post about how great the Wii including many such hilarious "Wii" words as wiipilosa, wiipedagogy and wiiLaurenceofArabia.
2) Our whiny rant about RTM or WoW or griefing in seond life. No whining at all really.
Bis dann, Happy Frickin New Year and I'll blog you later

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