Wiiwaa advert, inappropriate overload

I could list all the reasons as to why this video is the full spectrum of wrong, but including that as post content would lead to some rather debatable hits from google.

Just no.

Richie :(

Why Nintendo lost me as a customer

Since I was a kid, gaming has always been synonymous with Nintendo. Here was a company that for me had awesome graphics, huge libraries of games and timeless franchises. However this relationship unfortunately ended with the Game Cube and while the Wii has been a runaway succes it got me thinking why did they lose me as a customer?

My first gaming system was a Commodore 64, a system that looked enough like it might be educational to fool my parents, however for me it was purely for games. While I spent many hours with Treasure Island Dizzy (one life and no saving!!), bubble bobble and Rick Dangerous, my first experience with what i believed to be 'true' gaming was the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

I would accompany my parents on trips to Makro and immediately split from them and head to the gaming isle where they had a Nintendo wall with NES systems running Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt. These Instant gaming machines let you slip in to a simple, colourful and oh so  rewarding world with Princess's in need of rescue and excitable plumbers only to happy to oblige. My friend who owned one of these wondrous devices would taunt me with demos of more Princess's in need of rescuing, this time from an Elf type character loaded in seconds as if by magic from a golden cartridge. Alas I never owned a NES, however I more than made up for it with the amount of hours I spent on my friends system.

Which brings me to my first Nintendo console the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES), 16bits of sheer joy, with audio and visual capabilities that put Sega's Mega Drive to shame, it was cutting edge and had a back catalogue of gaming franchises ready for 'Super' adoption.

Instant classics like Super Mario World, Super Mario Kart, Super Bomberman, The Legend of Zelda: A link to the past, Secret of Mana and Street Fighter II to name but a few kept me gaming for years. The SNES was top of the pile at the time, the visuals were clearly superior to the Mega Drive when comparing the same game on both consoles (Street Fighter II springs to mind) and they also pioneered 3D gaming with the Super FX Chip imbedded in certain games like Starfox/Starwing. By todays standards these graphics may seem tame but at the time it had me staring in wonder. For me this was THE console, the joy of which has yet to be replicated and to this day i still crack open Super Mario World with Richie to complete all 96 levels in a day. All be it on a tv so huge that the mushrooms are the size of your fist!

Next up was the Nintendo 64, 'Project Reality' as it was dubbed for its breathtaking graphics and supercomputer rivalling performance which was technically far in advance of the new kid on the block The Playstation(PS), from their ex partner Sony.

Now I never bought in to the PS, it seemed to represent the Megadrive of the 90's, it had titles like Madden and Fifa, when Nintendo had immersive classics like Ocrarina of Time, Mario 64, DonkeyKong64 and The amazing GoldenEye. Now I know the Playstation was a gamechanger and there were many many great titles, however for me i was sold on the Mario exclusives and the technical prowess.

To this day Orcarina of Time's visuals astound me and the game play and interactions were far beyond their time and the deathmatch multiplayer of GoldenEye was a precursor  to Halo and Call of Duty, before console internet gaming really existed.

This console also had arguably the best controller around.

With expensive cartridge prices (£50 - £60, expensive in todays market) and poor support of 3rd party developers, Nintendo lost its market lead and when the Game Cube was released in 2002, faced with the Playstation 2 and the new player from Microsoft, The Xbox, things didn't improve.

Again, i bought a gamecube, however for the first time started to lose the faith with Nintendo.

While i was kept relatively happy with the Mario and Zelda outings, I started to look at other types of games like GTA and Call of Duty, suddenly the Game Cube seemed to be aimed at a younger audience.

There also seemed to be a lack of innovation, while the PS2 essentially championed DVD as a format and the Xbox revolutionised the concept of online gaming, the Game Cube's big selling point was its small size and range of different colours.

The Gamecube also had limitations around the Optical media, the 'mini DVD' format meant it couldn't play DVD's (something that was important at the time) and many games were either multi-disk games or had features removed from the PS2/XB versions.

Which patient readers, brings me to Nintendo's latest offering, the Wii...

Now despite the Game Cube being my least favourite Nintendo console, i still loved it and as a result was still very excited about the Wii.

When i got over the name (doesn't seem so silly on reflection does it?) and first poured over the specs and read about the 'revolutionary controller i was slightly sceptical.

With the might of the triple Core Xbox 360 and the ridiculous hyped potential of the PS3's Cell Processor, the hardware of the Wii didn't seem so 'next generation'

With approx 1.5 times the power of its predecessor, the graphics of the Wii seemed to have little or no gain over the Game Cube.

The next worry for me was resolution...

This thing has a maximum output of 480i/p (576i PAL), thats standard definition, no HD love here people. Does that matter though?? Well in my opinion absolutely!

HD brings far more detail to gaming, more room on the screen for a detailed HUD, better draw distances and represents exactly where the AV market was at launch and is today. The Wii was the only 'next gen' consol to shun HD.

Even if you take to one side the extra detail and real estate that higher resolution gives you and argue that  SD is just fine, what about the huge trend of consumers buying HD TV's?

Most peoples first reaction to HDTVs is disappointment, primarily as initially there were few HD sources available. This means the HDTV has to scale the source input up to 1080p or 720p (768p if you want to get technical on most 'HD Ready' sets)

Now the problem with this is that depending on the quality of your set, the image scaling can greatly differ, affecting the final image quality. That £200 bargain you picked up while you were buying milk doesn't do such a good job at IP conversion and scaling as sets at the higher end of the market.

Even if you put that to one side, and declare resolution isn't everything, maybe you have a top end HDTV, don't notice the digital fragments left by the poor scaling or maybe you still have a CRT SD set and are quite happy with 480 lines, there is also the quality of the connection.

The 360 and PS3 shipped initially with HD connections in the form of Component and HDMI respectively. The Wii, however shipped with composite output as standard, a very low end analogue output that sends an interlaced signal (think flicker).

Now even with an SD source there are benefits to using a higher quality connection. With component the light and colour are sent separately resulting in higher quality and more accurate video reproduction. Component is also capable of progressive scan, giving a smoother higher quality image with less 'jaggies' and since all flat panels are progressive, this takes out the need for the tv set to convert the signal from interlaced to progressive. Nintendo do offer a a component cable as an optional accessory, however that seems a modest compromise at best.

But maybe it looks fine??

Well in my opinion, far from it. When my flatmate hooked up the Wii to my 720p Sony set i was very disappointed. The colours appeared washed out and the graphics of Zelda seemed very much last generation. Despite pouring over all the advanced scaling settings my Sony had to offer, I just couldn't get the result i was looking for.

Even a simple comparison of cross platform games will shock you. No More Heroes is a prime example of this, a really fantastic game for the Wii, though with obvious graphical differences.

So what about the real 'Revolution', the motion controls...

Yes Wii Sports brought some genuine fun briefly to my living room, it was fun to play bowling, tennis and boxing with the motion controller, it even briefly made me think about the endless possibilities of gaming interaction, however this fascination was quickly relegated to a game suitable for drunken groups of friends. Watching my cousin destroy me at the boxing by simply 'waggling' the controller and not at all simulating the act, also made me realise the limitations of this 'revolution'

For me the controller was fun, but a novelty; for real games I had no desire to flap about like a crazy person fighting an invisible wasp. Even my beloved Zelda couldn't lure me in.

While this console has sold insanely well, i feel it is a sign that Nintendo has moved on from the core gamer and sold it's soul to the mediocrity of the masses. Unfortunately, for every 1 customer like me Nintendo have lost, there are most likely 10 casual/geriatric/drunk idiots out there flailing about in their living room, ready to offer it a dusty spot under their T.V.

Đ

Endless Ocean 2 (like Neverending Story 3)

As you may well know 25% of Team TGAM is totally hot for swim 'em up Endless Ocean. Well guess what dilwads? Endless Ocean 2 has been dated for the 5th of February this MUTHAFUCKING year.

The first Endless Ocean was our game of the year 2007-2009 so it goes without saying that I am looking forward to Endless Ocean 2.

Some people dismiss titles like this as being too casual or easy or not really a game. Presumably these are the tards that prefer shit like Bioshock and Portal which is the casualist shit going. Get over it losers. This game is all about science and exploration and shit. You might learn a thing or two about some real animals which impresses the chicks* inifinitely more than the fact that you can do no scope headshots 1 in 15 times that you try it you lazy fucking adolescent fagballs.

Also, it will be compatible with Wiispeak so in out fantasy world where we actually enjoy online play you can speak to people you dive with as well as drawing luminous penii with the draw tool. In the first one it was pretty much just the latter.

OH SHIT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS FUCKING ARAPAIMA? River ecosystems FTW.

What we hope they have changed:

1) That the characters cover up a bit more. So far I've spent about 25 hours looking right up the camel of my diver. This is titilating for the first six wanks only.

What we hope they haven't changed:

1) That there is still the option to play your own MP3s during a dive. So we can listen to Little Mermaid's Under the Sea innit? Seriously, why didn't any other Wii game have this feature? Madness.

* Or guys if Capcom Unity are reading.

Our new favourite video game character

Is this muggy cunt in Wii Fit Plus (on the right in the image above). I don't know how he is voiced in other territories but he sounds like a proper geeza in the PAL version. Here are a selection of sound bites:

"Punch it! Don't touch it up you muggy cunt"

"Alright you muggy cunt let's box this mush"

"I'm a cockney I'm a cockney"

"Ening staaaaaaaaaad. Ening staaaaaaaad"

"Jog on you muggy cunt"

"Ya muvva ya muvva ya muvva. And ya faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaava"

"Love a duck you muggy muvva"

"Cost you a pony you muvva"

We don't even know his name but we love him. Excercise and video game characters have never been so fun. We can't wait for him to get his own sequel Wii Geezer. Basically you spend the whole game selling pineapples, driving taxis and taking shanks's pony everywhere. IMPROMPTU REVIEW BASED ON CONCEPT ALONE; Excellent characterisation and a good storyline but some of the balance board controlled sections (particularly the backtracking comments about bloody foreigners to someone of dual heritage mission) feel a bit contrived. 7.5/10.

That Last Post Was Way Too Bitter

Plus I'm getting paid by the Kabutops. So here's a fun game for you. It's called Spot the odd one out*



*It's not the one you think.

P.S. Does anyone else keep hearing the little noise you hear when you are near a Lovikov Ball noise all the time? I do. It's distracting.

Let's do more with the Wiimote

Okay kids. Wiimote has been around for quite a while and using it to waggle has been a staple use of it so far. Let's just say the pulse sensor thing hasn't exactly set us alight and wii motion plus is a bit of a rip off. ANy avid Wii gamer will now have a wii wheel, zapper, other attachments and wii speak. All of which work with one maybe two games. Either way by now every Wii owner has four wiimotes. Why don't games do some more creative things with them? You want free ideas here's some:



1) FPS and on-rail shooters.
So we've had Red Steel, House of the Dead Overkill and Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. They were fun but why insist on pressing the d-pad to change weapon? Players should be able to map wiimotes 1-4 to different weapons. Want to change from pistol to shotgun? Just drop wiimote one and point wiimote 3 in a wii zapper at the screen. Voila! The shotgun pops up. It disappoints me that FPS on the Wii haven't done the popping up gun affect it is the simplest thing to do and adds to the immersion and you can't do it on any other system. Want to triple wield? Then just point wiimotes 1,2 and 4 at the screen at the same time and fire away. Simple.

2)Someone, somewhere just do a proper fucking light sabre please?
Just make it a dueling game with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner. You could even use two wiimotes to dual wield or sell an attachment that links two together for a Darth Maul type affair.

3)Alternatively do a quick draw game.
Easy peasy. Make it Wiiware, leaderboards, character customisation etc. Do dual wielding as well (see where I am going with this?).

4) More Wiimote/balance board combinations please.
Skiing is obvious and boring. How about a version of armoured core where wiimotes 1 and 2 represent each of your arms and you can do clunky stomping about using the balance board. Make it with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner.

5)Wiimote/Wii Wheel combinations.
Firing from a car is not as easy as Grand Theft Auto makes out. Make a Mario Kart game using the wii wheel and then incorporate another wiimote to use as a weapon (gun etc.) or perhaps a stick to stick into other players wheel spokes. In fact this might work better as a futuristic jousting game. The wheel controls the robot horse and the wiimote becomes your lance. Make it with online play, character customisation, leaderboards, snapshots and saved replays. Instant winner.

Those are just five ideas I came up with just now. Without giving it any proper thought. Come on Wii devs. Let's try to do more than waggling/remote controller set ups. Yeah?

A very Wii-k

For reasons not to be divulged here, I had a week off of work and for reasons too painful to recount here I spent most of it on the sofa playing games. Sad perhaps but a week I thoroughly enjoyed as I relived the glory days when I could really get my teeth into some games rather than snatching the odd hour or two or playing games and then dreaming of playing them for the rest of the week, the routine that modern life forces us into. I played the Wii exclusively, proving that you don't need marines in space or space marines on planets or future marines fighting nazis to have a good game session. Here's the synopsis for all none of you out there who are at all interested:

Dead Rising chop til you drop (or shop til you drop as one googler who found this site typed in). I still can't decide whether this is a good game in its own rights, a yorke notes version of a good game or just a bad game. Having played through it all of four times now, I am still none the wiser. Perhaps this game has lodged itself in that part of my brain that pokemon used to inhabit but I find it really hard to exit to the Wii menu after the credits roll and not start the whole game over again. A few notes and addenda to this quasi-review: The convicts are in the game although beating them is now a QTE affair. For those who battled them in the original version this is no great loss at all and may I dare say it is actually a minor improvement. You can put hats/buckets on zombie heads by shooting them until they are stunned. Later on in the game this becomes impossible as even the hangun blows legs clean off but still glad the feature is there. After the first playthrough the "odd jobs" minigame is unlocked and after progressing through odd jobs "second amendment" series of minigames using the rifles is unlocked. These mini games and challenges are a sheer joy and really show off the possibilities of the game and the ingenuity of capcom. The single complaint is that there just aren't enough of them but trying to get S ranks on them all adds some replay value. Following extensive playtime I did have pretty vivid dreams in dead rising but most of them concerned me running into walls and having to press A+Z to turn around, only to run into another wall. The number of times A+Z flashes up on the screen during the is quite high so I imagine I've been subliminally programmed by Capcom. The next time I pick up a mop I'll let you know if I try to A+Z first.

Tomb Raider Underworld. After Resident Evil, I've always had a soft spot for Tomb Raider even with Angel of Darkness being the Outbreak of the series. Similarly to DRCTYD, the problems that many reviewers were keen to point out just don't seem to be big issues. Sure the game is "slightly" broken (the Wii had to be unplugged twice and reset half a dozen times) but ultimately it is a pleasant game to play with some nice links to the other games in the series that came as a nice surprise. I can't see how issues with the camera remain after two minutes of playing the game and there's not really a great deal else out there for such fluid runny, climby, jumpiness on the Wii. Extra kudos for incorporating a vehicle section that wasn't hideous or jarring at all.

Animal Crossing LGTTC. My residents reminded me that it had been a good couple of weeks since my last visit. A number of my friends with the game seem to be miles ahead of my current progress so with time on my hands I decided to not be beaten at a game I recommended to them. After much weeding, planting and fossil hunting the town is back up to a reasonable standard. I just hope that at some point this week Nook offers more than the measly 66 bells for turnips otherwise I might have to burn down the Nookingtons, deforest the town and generally be rude until everyone moves out. You have been warned Nook. On the bright side, my measly room was the model room for a while and I was surprised that my Mii looked quite so fetching in a wedding dress.

A lot of the family were around which meant that Boom Blox, Mario Kart and Link's Crossbow training got a lot of play. All three games relatively simple, all three games unrivalled by other extant consoles for sheer multiplayer fun. Genuine enjoyment was had by all. I also put in a lot of time with Mario Kart online which is addictive. I normally fear online play for all the usual reasons but I had to psychologically yank myself away and stopped when my race and battle points broke the 6000 barrier, worried that my luck might suddenly change. Two quick public service anouncements for Mario Kart Wii online players. Firstly, if you are driving the bikes do some goddam wheelies for the love of christ. Secondly, Moo Moo Meadows is but one track. Just at least try voting for one of the other 31 tracks at least once in four hours. You might like them.

Wii Fit, Sports and Play also got some serious playtime. I finally got a gold medal for bubble bursting and edged nearer to being a pro in more of the sports games. Wii fit is just silly fun, albeit with a depressing lining when you are reminded just how fat you are, how fat you got since your last workout and how crap my reaction times are compared to my younger relatives who must view me as some kind of Grandad, completing the image with some worrying creaking and cracking during the football heading game. The Offical Nintendo Magazine ran an interesting article on playtime and other statistics on Wii games this month which prompted me to return to these simple, yet fun games.

Lastly, I beat Destroy Man on No More Heroes. Unlike the other games which I try to consume at high speed in the precious stolen hours late at night, I've been savouring this game taking each ranked fight at a steady and enjoyable pace. Everything about this game is a delight it's a shame to see that from reviews at least, Madworld and House of the Dead Overkill find balancing mature themes with overall quality a bit of a challenge.

Game on friends and we'll see you all at the next Wiimbledon and this time we'll remember if we're left handed of right handed before the second set.

Wii-lly

Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

360 are Losers?

Sooo, Kotaku have posted this...

The analysts at DFC Intelligence have gazed into the crystal ball to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Sony. But it's far worse for Microsoft. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the PlayStation 3 but that Sony should expect to lose a "big chunk" of the PS2 install base. Wii is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the PS3 may.

The analyzing wizards at DFC see an Xbox future filled with doom and gloom, with the 360 "continuing to struggle" in Europe, despite UK acceptance. They have better news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2008 expected "to break all kinds of sales records." And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

"Release the GEGH!!!!

DFC Intelligence. Perhaps the three letters stand for ‘Donthavea Fucking Clue’. Similarly, I’d wager the ‘Intelligence’ part comes filed under ‘oxymoron’.

FROM HERE ON, ANALYSTS WILL BE CALLED ‘PROFESSIONAL GUESSERS’, OR ‘PROGUESSERS’.

So the new report calls for ‘strong’ sales of the PS3. FFS - SONY HAVE BEEN CALLING FOR STRONG SALES OF THE PS3 SINCE THEIR PISS-POOR LAUNCH DAY WHERE THEY HAD TO GIVE OUT 42” TV’S BEFORE ANYONE WOULD BUY THEIR BLU-RAY TROJAN HORSE.

Sony have already lost a big chunk of their PS2 install base and guess which console they’ve been lost to? Yes, the XBOX360. STRANGELY ENOUGH, THE XBOX360 IS A GAMES MACHINE. I actually feel a little sympathetic to those folk who believed in Sony’s propaganda, as EVERYONE WHO COUNTS is playing the latest, greatest games on Xbox Live. With easy multiplayer invites. And voice comms.

(Actually, I’ve changed my mind since writing that last paragraph indicating sympathy to the Sony loyalists – FUCK THOSE LOSERS THAT BOUGHT A PS3. I TOLD THEM IT’D BE SHIT, BUT THEY BELIEVED SONY RATHER THAN ME AND FOR THAT, DESERVE THE RIDICULE.)

Wii is expected to dominate but won’t move software like the PS3?

STUPID PROGUESSER, THE XBOX 360 IS THE CONSOLE THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY *GAMES* FOR. NOT SOME SHIT “EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN AND BALLBAG” SYSTEM FOR UNDER-5’s AND OVER-50’s.

Let me point something out to you, Mr. Guesser.

Thursday 17th April, 2008 - Xbox 360 is the number one next-gen console in EMEA, owning 42% of the market in terms of life-to-date revenue. Xbox 360 continues to enjoy the highest software attach rate of any game console in Europe with more than 7.0 games sold per console (PS3: 3.8; Wii 3.5) after 27 months on the market.

Please indicate where the ‘struggle’ you indicate the Xbox is going through?.

Finally, many proguessers abide by the 51% rule; if you get at least 51% of your predictions right, you're a good proguesser. So, let me spin that initial article around for the other 49%:

“The analysts at GEGH Stupidity have gazed into the crystal ballbag to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Microsoft. But it's far worse for Sony & Nintendo. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the Xbox360 but knew that Microsoft expected to lose a "big chunk" of the Xbox install base. PS3 is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the Wii may.

The professionally guessing idiots at GEGH see a PS3 future filled with doom and gloom, with the PS3 "continuing to struggle" worldwide, despite minimal Japanese acceptance. They have bad news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2009 expected "to not break any records." That’s because I predict there won’t be any games coming out in 2009.”

SO I’LL TAKE MY 250K SALARY NOW YOU FUCKING ASSHATS.

GIANT PROFESSIONAL GUESSING HERO

Representing GEGH Stupidity Inc.

Love n' hugs...

Dear Gamers on the internet #727

Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Waaaaaah waaah a boo hoo hooo. That's all we ever hear from you. Boo hoo hoo Blizzard hates my class. Waaaah waaah waaah Capcom won't respond to my letters. Boody hoo hoo "they" ruined Star Wars Galaxies. Yes it's pathetic but fortunately it's mostly from the PC gamers. Until now...

Since the release of Mario Kart Wii a number of sources have complained about the return of the blue shell. Even EDGE which usually flounces above such gamer whining, whines about it (Mario Kart Wii 6/10). Well you know what? The MBAs at That guy' s a maniac, the Second Greatest Video Game Blog of all time, have voted it the most bestest amazing pick up of all time. Read that last sentence again. Not just videogame pick ups. ALL pick ups. Be it pick up lines, picking up a prostitute or a pick up truck, the blue shell beats them all hands down. Here's what the Master blog artists had to say:

"It is our generations great leveller. Our grandparents had the war, our parents had the AIDS and we have the blue shell. It is a metaphor for our lives. You may have just saved enough money for that trip around the world and then boom! An astronomical council tax bill from four years ago. Bailiffs are coming round this second to beat you and take your property and money. And who wins from that situation? Some smug pencil pushing council twat. He doesn't see the look on your face. He doesn't gain anything from it but from his hopeless position in a dead end job he has irked you somewhat. The blue shell is the digital version of that twat. It'll ruin your day. Guess what punk. Maybe today you won't win. Boo hoo. But life goes on".- Cunzy1 1

"The beauty of the blue shell lies in its relentless desire to keep balance. Though the N64 blue shell was better."- Richie

So there we have it unequivocally the greatest pick up of all time. Move on loser.

Mario Kart Wii: Review

9/10 - "Good enough to consider getting a Wii for."

Mario Kart

Ugh Nintendo... what the fucking fuck are you thinking!!

1. The wheel is retarded!!! honestly, I'm annoyed it ships with it, more crap to fill up my house, I'll put it next to* the limited edition 360 art booklets, PS2 guitar, Nintendoscope, and Halo 3.

2. Mario Kart Wii... Well that's an original name... How ever did you come up with it!

3. Here is where I'm supposed to bitch about voice chat or communication online, but I ain't gonna, I don't care. When I played the first Mario Kart on the SNES I was merely a fresh faces adolescent. then I moved onto the N64 and got Mario Kart 64, and then the Gamecube and Mario Kart: Double Dash. Now I'm in my mid/late 20's and my friends and I have been known to break out double dash, 64 and the original SNES version have a few battles, Grand Prix's etc. My point is, the addition of the wheel is for kids... Mario Kart's fan base is mostly people around my age, and it should cater for them. In fact Nintendo should be catering for us in general, and not via virtual arcades we want new games... we want to play Mario Kart with some dignity**.

4. In fact, fuck it Thatguys.co.uk branded*** Wii for sale. Any takers?



*The bin.
** As opposed to flailing about like some one with a mental deficiency.
***I licked it.


Fuckety fuck fuck.

Richie.

It is like the desert

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer's, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch (we all know about pre-launch). Gears of War and Dead Rising just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside but not convinced. Which means..... FTW. Why you say? Well it's affordable, it's not so geeky, it's fun (allegedly), I can play the entire Resident Evil back catalogue from 0-4 (that's six games people), both super smash brothers, it can talk to my DS, Crystal Chronicles, Pokemon, I know more people with a Wii than any other console (lot of non gamers too), I can play Pokemon Channel every day without finding all the relevant GC cables etc. I might get fit? Oh and virtual console has games that I might want to play (don't give me that shit about Geometry Wars either).

Downsides: The Gamecube +1 graphics, currently 4 games released difficult to get hold of.

PROJECT GET CUNZY1 1 A Wii STARTS TODAY. Wii fund= £3

New Wii Lunch Title Announced!

Today Nintendo announced WWi: Childbirth. The game, aimed at the female market, comes with a foetal attachment. Players then insert the controller, (umbilical chord) nunchuck and foetal attachment into the appropriate body cavity and then have to give birth within a time limit. On screen is a vaginal tearometer as well as an oxygen gauge for the baby. If the oxygen gauge reaches critical, players then have to wave the foetal attachment to get the baby to "wake up" or press the A button (ABORT) on the controller. If the vaginal tearometer reaches critical then players can attempt to stitch it up with a Wi-Fi connection to a special version of Trauma Center: Under the Knife.

The Foetus attachment comes in a range of colours to match the range of colours for the controller. Whether or not a blue version has been considered is unknown at this point.

This revolutionary game will give women who haven't yet had children an excuse to actually experience how painful childbirth is, to then invoke it as "The most painful thing a human being has to endure" to all males nearby. Also men can play it but with obvious biologically incorrect implementation.