Gamer Laureate

NB:

Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a film for you' just doesn't sound right.

It was upon reading about the new poet laureate here that I had a revelation. We need a gamer laureate. By need, I mean need as much if not more than we need a poet laureate. And by a gamer laureate I mean me.

It would be great. You get paid to disseminate the wonders of gaming to the nation, the state and the queen. And don't we need it? As gamer laureate here is my manifesto/action list:



1) A public campaign to raise awareness of bad games that should not be bought in any event, even if they are part of a bundle or £20 cheaper than a decent game.

2) I would make it part of my job to publicly challenge celebrities, politicians and international dignitaries at various video games. Would you trust the prime minister better if he was good at Mario Kart? I know I would. Fuck the elitist background, experience and acumen, if the man knew his way around Cheep Cheep Beach he'd do significantly better by me and undoubtedly better in the opinion polls. Similarly, global conflicts might be resolved by a best of 3 game of Dash to Destruction than through a bloody waste of life expensive and unpopular war.

3) I'd be an advocate for the gaming nation and work with other gamer laureates around the world to unite our underground nation. It always surprises me that gamers haven't formed their own nation yet. There's enough of us. Shit. Even if all the Wow players got together that is a respectable mass of people. We could control the world.

4) Work to preserve the gaming heritage. Every year, games slip away into the ether as discs, hardware and code is lost and damaged. As gamer laureate I'd create a national museum of video games. It would be at the V&A because the nation doesn't really need a national museum of clothing, cutlery and crockery. It would be great and at least people might be interested whilst they are museuming in London. It would be a great place to celebrate the achievements of British coders and gamers who, frankly have added more to individuals lives and wider contemporary culture than wanker millionaire artists.

5) Set up a charity national hints and tips phone line. Anyone who has ever seen a google analytic report for a gaming site will know that so many of our fellow gamers don't know how to use google or that gamefaqs even exists. I'd help to set up and run the helpline for gamers in need of that extra bit of advice. Helping gamers all over the nation to complete their games. The helpline would also be available to support victims of griefing, blue shelling, spawn camping and ganking. A demographic currently ignored by government.

6) I'd act as personal gamer to the Queen. If she every wanted to co-op Half Life or play a bit of deathmatch on CoD and Harry and Wills weren't around, I'd be her player 2 (or 3, not 4 though).

7) I'd work with national media to make sure they get their shit straight. No more errors or mistakes when blaming secondary school shootings on games and no more lies in the token 'games' sections in the newspapers and magazines.

8) I'd work hard to make gaming more socially acceptable than wine connoisseurs, bird watchers, foodies and people who play polo. Of course, we are more socially acceptable than these elitist snobbish hobbyists and activities but gaming has had a bad rep for such a long time it barely hovers above fiddie kiddling in the national lists. Support me to put gaming in it's rightful place, above people who waste wine for a hobby.

9) I would be available to play games with people at state events. After all they have to put up with poetry so a spot of minesweeper, micro maniacs or uno wouldn't be out of place. Would it?

10) Hand out the excellence in gaming awards every year. The awards are for those British people who have struggled against the odds to set new high scores, to top international leaderboards or for particularly impressive speed runs. Awards for notable gaming journalism, literature, machinima, fan fiction or audio remixes would also be awarded.


So that's it so far. It's a lot I know but it needs doing. Drop any suggestions in the comments and I'll send it to King Tony Blair to see what he thinks of the whole idea. I promise not to forget about the little people when I get there. x x x

It is like the dessert.

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer’s, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch. Re-hashed 360 titles, mediocre generic titles and a blu-ray drive just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside, but I’m not convinced. Or am I?

FTW!!!!!

Think about it, think about holding that controller: the back of it resting against the ulnarial digits (Ring and pinkie fingers), the index and middle fingers slowly curve round and rest, in a kind cosmic alignment, on the shoulder button and triggers. The thumbs circle themselves round, they hover slightly, the tip of the right thumb grazes the 4 buttons, circle, triangle, square and the ball of the thumb comes to rest on X. The right thumb caresses the D-Pad, almost admiring the contours of the different material, pushing against the extra friction is causes, snaking in and out of the valleys between the 4 classic primordial direction buttons. The thumbs them move, they passionately move up, forcing themselves upon the analogue sticks. They click the R3 and L3 buttons. At that point… that familiar clicking sound, everything feels right, it’s Playstation, the old friend, the old buddy, the one who is always there. So what if you don’t have many games right now, hell none of them did at the start, but we all know in our heart-of-hearts that the time of the Playstation has not yet come. Rejecting the PS3 is like turning out a close friend into the cold streets, just because you don’t find him interesting any more.

The PS3 controller is the most mature of the bunch. It takes the classic formulae and expands it, it adds motion sensitivity, but in a good way, it is refined, you won’t be flailing about like an autistic monkey with a piece of string, and above all, the D-Pad and analogue sticks are in the right place, don’t let Microsoft tell you different.

As for games, again in your heart of hearts you know they will be better than the Wii, and pretty much similar to the 360, but they will feel better on the PS3.

PROJECT: You know the PS3 is right for you, but wait for the price drop and more releases.

Xbox 360 fund = £0
Wii fund = £0