Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku

As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their writers being gay.
7. Pictures and post headings are not always appropriate.
8. It reads very amateurishly, especially when compared to the other Gawker sites, Gizmodo, io9, and ironically WoWinsider.
9. We resent having to trawl through Kotaku, and only Kotaku for news. Can someone set up another site which filters out all the shit?
10. They get more hits than us and a lot of better sites.
11. Their "Just ignore them and they'll go away" approach to Thatguys. We've sent them at least 300 excellent tips about real news and we've only ever once got a reply.
12. The constant navel gazing.

13. Too many Brians and not enough Keiths.

14. The 'crazy times' of Stephen Dorito who seems to have died as a good writer at the hands of the frat boys club.
15. The properly rubbish and ONMish TGS coverage.

16. The ballbreaking effort required to post comments, get a conversation going and track who commented on what. It's like the battery farm of the deaf except nobody numbered the cages. This and the neonatal amnesiacs which seem to make up the readership makes it a vile inhabitable wasteland for the thinking gamer. A churlish "forum" and god-forbid other 'inclusive' features do a great job at weeding out the dissenters.

17. The incessant inappropriate advertising which brings feedreaders almost to a halt. Or did.

18. Uninventive and boring tags.

But the most annoying part is they recently did a couple of posts without even a nod in our direction:

Exhibit A:
Kotaku:Use of the word: Underboob.
Thatguys: Coined July 2008 by Thatguys.

Exhibit B:
Kotaku: Some drossy article on sexism in games.
Thatguys: Satirical review of sexism in the industry from 2007.

 

Cunt and Otaku,

Richie and Cunzy11 XX

Is the PSP worth getting yet?

Let's check. The last time we paid any attention to the "little handheld that could" there was nothing going on.

From field data gathered by observing people using it on the bus and on the train it seems that 98% of them use it to watch Family Guy or South Park episodes. The other 2% play GTA.

Apparently, it can connect to the PS3. Which is a shame because the PS3 is probably the least useful thing an appliance could ever connect to. In fact plugging your PSP into the ground probably offers up infinitly more exciting gaming opportunities.

And what of those "games" that Sony used to do?

Hmmmm Tekken is the best game for the PSP according to Gayspot. Looking at Metacritic there has only been one game post launch better than Lumines and Wipeout. Thems are four years old y'all.

Well I do not know about you but I certainly can't wait for PSP Go! to play those four year old games on. Can you?

An end to DLC?

Nobody likes DLC. Nobody at all. Oh what's that? You couldn't get your act together long enough to finish that level before release so we can buy that shit later? Great. Thanks. However, the end of DLC is in sight. We got a quote from Alistair Darling, UK Chancellor of Treasures:

"Nobody got any money. This means EA and everyone else has to fuck the fuck off about DLC."

He then went on to say:

"Media pissing molecule keep going on about how they made Little Big Planet with five people in six hours. Now they expect me to shell out 14 euros for the privelage [sic.] of a fucking Mario sackboy and I have to build my own levels to play on..... You wouldn't go to MacDonalds and be satisfied when you order a hamburger to get a roll, a 'patty' and a gherkin laid out on a tray and then be expected to build your own burger and pay for that sodding sauce. This gets right on my tits"

Hurrah Mr. Darling. Hurrah we say. We'll vote for you at the next election for the King.

RAM RAIDER EXCLUSIVE! PC ZONE WALKOUT

Exclusive from the legendary RAM RAIDER! There has been a walkout at PC Zone magazine! A guy, a guy and some other guy and another guy have walked out leaving the Future Publishing magazine in potential jeopardy!

We asked our source in the heart of Future Publishing some questions surrounding the ordeal:

Us: So what is a "PC".
Our source: Umm it's like a machine for making books and graphs.
Us: Oh. Okay. So what was the magazine about?
Our secret source whose name shall never be revealed: It was about how to write good books and to make cool graphs and to print out labels for CDs and shit.
Us: Shit. And why the walkout at the magazine?
Our super spy inside the actual heart of the "enemy" in between the valves: I think someone accidentally printed out a graph on the wrong side of some glossy paper and someone called it the worst F*****g graph they ever saw.
Us: Damn man! So what is the future for the magazine?
Our source: Both readers of the magazine will be attending a quiet ceremony at Future Publishing Office in Bath. A ceremony OF THROWING FLAMING DEATH STARS*!!
Us: Thanks Graham Barlow former editor of MacFormat!
Graham Barlow: No worries Keith and Mike "writers" of popular games blog that has gone down hill ever since the first post!
Graham, Keith and Mike: Oh no!!!!.....


*Stars of Death not THE Death Star.

A Letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and encapsulated everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However it pains me to say that this is not a letter complimenting your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter demanding compensation for damaging my phone. If it were not for your bouncy booby game (RE: Dead or alive 4) being to ridiculously hard for the entry level player, then my phone would not have met with a rather unfortunate event, involving a wall and it hurtling though the air.

As such I would like to demand the repair bill for my phone refunded to me (£40), emotional damages (£1000), a nude patch for Ein, damn! I mean Bayman. No! I mean Tengu. NO! I mean Helena… Maybe.

Along with this I demand that Cunzy and I feature as characters in the next DoA game, and we each have multiple endings involving us nobbing the DoA girls. Cunzys, can feature him, settling down going to Morrisons on Sunday for the weekly shop, discussing where the sofa would look good, and just a general display of stomach churning under-the-thumb-ness as Lei Fang treats him as the submissive he-bitch that he is. Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Lvl 70 Richie xxx

DoA4 + 360 = Broken phone

Fuck this shit, the game is flawed, you do a move the AI counters it, you try to counter and nothing fucking happens. The manual doesn't even go into detail on how the countering system works, even though it raves on about the countering system being all re-vamped and amazing. Lies.

So I'm fighting some fucked up drunk dickface (dont know his name nor do i care to know it) and he just continuously counters it over and over. OH! great job team ninja, or should i say "team wank-fuck-cock-faecal-cunt". And I am on like the tenth time trying to kill him, well actually just trying to get a move in to prevent getting perfected, fuck you team ninja.

I know at the start of games you are at zero on the learning curve, it is like tossing a coin, 50:50 chance of winning. Team banjo-string just seemed to ignore this.

Yeah so 10th fight with Drunk fuck, and theres nothing i can do He starts som 9 chain combo, which leaves me being juggled, and with nothing to do, except loose my life bar, i just have to sit back and watch this... for the tenth time.

RAGE

RAGE

RAGE

Until I throw down the joypad and throw my phone across the room...

Cheers Team Ninja, you owe me a new phone.

Cunts

DOA4 sucks