Next Step, the Wiibrator.

Ok so Again I'm shamelessly stealing from Kotaku.

These are images from a patented Nintendo Peripheral which is an inflatable pillow, designed for "horse racing" games, oh yeah!

You know what, fuck it, I'll leave this to your own imagination, you filthy, filthy people.

Yours Equestrianly,

Richie XXX

Pony Friends: Review

Some review, I* did in my spare time

The gaming industry, for better or worse, enjoys comparing themselves to the movie industry. Call it insecurity, call it a benchmark, but for years now we’ve heard talk of the need to make games more “cinematic”. From the old FMV games, to the deluge of cut-scenes, it can be argued that games have never quite achieved that goal of completely weaving quality gameplay with the cinematic feel of Hollywood movies.

In development for the better part of a decade, Pony Friends, despite some significant flaws, is a definitely positive step in reaching that cinematic sweet spot. From the engrossing introduction and opening credits, to the suggestive epilogue, Pony Friends does a great job of finally making the player feel as though he is playing through a Hollywood blockbuster. But as would be expected, it often does so at the expense of the game.

Yes, Pony Friends is a short - and quite easy - horse FPS. The entire adventure will last you only six to seven hours, and there is no replay value to speak of. Furthermore, the path from beginning to end is incredibly linear, allowing for little improvisation or exploration. Despite this, it can be argued that the length of the game is necessarily short to keep the player focused on the story, and that would be an argument I could accept. From start to finish, I never lost sight of the goal: find the pink tailbrush and vanquish the threat of the hoof-infections. I didn’t have to worry about countless subquests, complicated side plots, or the back-stories of a half dozen playable characters. I was a disillusioned Pony rearer, thrown into a conspirational web of horseflies and saddle-thieves.

While the developers did a great job of keeping the story moving, there were a few glaring problems. First, the question of who keeps stealing and misplacing various pony-based items is never fully resolved, leaving the player with more questions than answers. Secondly, the races, while being charged with the kind of kinetic thrill that made Days Of Thunder such an exciting experience, don't offer a huge amount of reward. Upon winning, you're given only a moment to bask in the glory of victory before the harsh reality of life on the farm brings you back down with a crunch.

Which brings me to my next point:the photography sections. Riding through the various trails and environments whilst trying to snap pics of the hidden wildlife is reminiscent of Dead Rising and Bioshock (both of which appear to have taken their inspiration from Pony Friends) but lacks the research bonuses that those games offer.

It’s hard to completely fault Pony Friends for its brevity as making it longer could certainly have jeopardized the effectiveness of its story. That being said, it’s clear that Pony Friends doesn’t completely achieve the proper balance of game and story. Whether it’s the fact that the pony cannot die, or that you can't fully interfere with the various gophers and beagles you find on your travels, Pony Friends leads the player by the nose to the end and despite a decent finish, it certainly doesn’t provide much satisfaction. (10/10)

*By "I" I actually mean, someone else**

**By someone else*** I mean one of the many sessile organisms that filter feed in the recesses of our comments section

***Keef

On the Horizon Part 34

So what have we got to look forward to?

Assassins Creed [Xbox 360] [PS3]

Stealthy, 3rd persony slash-em-up set in medieval times for the next gen. Of course it looks pretty its next-gen, pretty comes as standard. Now everyone seems quite keen for this badboy to come out, but aside from it being a “launch” title (i.e. we knew about this one before the 360 was released). I still worry that this will be shite.

Heavenly Sword [PS3]

3rd persony slash-em-up set in a fantasy world for the next gen. Of course it looks pretty its next-gen, pretty comes as standard. Now everyone seems quite keen for this badboy to come out, but aside from it being a “launch” title (i.e. we knew about this one before the PS3 was released). I still worry that this will be shite. Boobies.

Halo 3 [Xbox 360]

Next up ol Master Chief himself has returned for the 360, more shooting aliens, more laser swords, more classic FPS. In a world where FPS’s are standard, what makes this one stand out from the crowd? Answer: It doesn’t stray too far from the FPS formulae, it controls well, the plot is epic, and it has ALL the multiplayer options you could want and some. Xbox live will be heaving with shouts of n00b, and repeated pressing of the squat button for corpse humping. I don’t think it is possible for this game to go wrong.

Devil may Cry 4 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

Oh Wnak! Dante is back and with a sexy new sidekick, seriously it doesn’t matter what anyone says, this game will have it all, even DMC2 which is the worst of the lot, its still way more fun than 99% of games out there, the ultimate slashy-shooty 3rd person game. Every game wishes it was as cool as this (RE: Assassins Creed, Heavenly Sword).

Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles [Wii]

Interesting one this, some Resident evil FPSing on the Wii, the previous Resident evil: Survivor games were shite to say the least! But at least this one has the characters and locations from RE0/1 and (OMG!!) Raccoon City rendered again! Oh how I pine for RE2/3 remade for the Wii maybe a bit of over-the-shoulder shooting? Leon is used to it by now.

Resident Evil 5 [Xbox 360] [PS3]

Wow, Resident evil 5 can’t wait, but there is no way in hell I’m holding my breath for it, I guarantee that it will be delayed and delayed. Chris Redfield returns to fight Zombies in Africa (Maybe Zombies? who knows? I mean RE4 was good but it did bother me that they were not really zombies, they were just people infected with some ancient insect) Seems to be a bit more intuitive a mix of classic 3rd person and the over-the-shoulder seen in RE4.

Guitar hero 3 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PS2]

Guitar hero’s next incarnation, I’m already sold on the tracks they have added in. but there is additions of boss battles and new modes. I don’t see how this wont be an instant hit, in fact fuck it, I’m pre-ordering this right now… Oh? Turns out I can’t yet, seems that it may be a while before it comes out. Fingers X’ed that it is some time this year

Sub note:
Guitar hero DS [DS]

Guitar hero for the DS, with a crazy attachment thingy, looks cool, but there is no way in goods green earth you could be seen in public playing it.

Pokemon Battle Revolution [Wii]

More pokemonage, lets you see all 486 pokemon in glorious 3D with SLOW drawn-out battles, and inevitable buy, but very apprehensive at the same time.

Rock band [PS3] [Xbox 360]

Hmm, a grown-up sophisticated Guitar hero, with hundreds of attachments, despite it being more guitar hero. I have a feeling it will fall flat on its face, due to the costs of the new equipment and the fact that guitar hero is already much more established.

GTA 4 [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

We know the script with this one, cars, guns, plot, huge city. It was delayed recently, and I only hope it was to clean things up a bit. One of my major problems with GTA:SA was that everyone said that it was so pretty. Well when I looked at GTA:SA, I looked past the flare effects and I saw a “lego” world, even Carl looked like he was made of lego everything is intensely polygon-y. Then when I saw the trailer for GTA4 I see the main character, and what do I immediately think? “Polygon-y”. We cant let Rockstar get away with this! It’s Next-gen, everything is supposed to be round. It’s a bigger scandal than Manhunt 2!

Smash bros Brawl [Wii]

Wow! Cannot wait for this! SSB revamped again with more characters, power-up, pickups. And for the love of god, get Sonic in there! Expected to hit EU late 2009 Stupid Nintendo.

Two Worlds [Xbox 360] [PS3] [PC]

Odd one this, I threw it in because I’m kinda looking forward to it. It is due out at the end of the week, and nowhere has officially reviewed it. It is Oblivion with multiplayer support and dual wielding. From the previews I have seen, it is getting rather mixed reviews, varying from 5/10 to 9/10.

Starcraft 2 [PC/Mac]

What more needs to be said Starcraft=amazing, therefore Starcraft 2 = Twice as amazing. Simple Maths.

World of Warcraft Expansion 2 [PC/Mac]

Blah blah blah lvl 80, new class, new place to fight. Just more and more bait, to throw your money in the big WoW pit.

In other news GameFAQs are doing that Character battle thing. Once again this year I have spent no time in thinking out my application and have just chose at random a few of the characters I know. I believe that the final two will be Sephiroth and Kratos, stupid fanboys. Though I would be interested to see that fight…