Fanservice Inc

Is anyone else totally addicted to the diorama mode on Super Smash Brothers Brawl? YES! You too! Great here are some of my creations for people to use to add some spice to their fan fictions. I've given some title and synopsis hints but feel free to use your own okay? And don't say I don't ever give you anything disgusting fanfiction people.

Suggested Title: BigglypuffStar.
Synopsis: The galaxy is in a state of civil war. The Psychic Type Alliance has stolen plans to the Normal type empire's BigglypuffStar: a space station capable of annihilating a planet.


Suggested Title: High School Musical (Fire emblemxPokemon)
Synopsis: Marth and Lyn both have strong feelings for Wobbuffet even though they are all in the same band with Donkey Kong. Will Marth and Lyn manage to sort out their differences before the performance of the high school musical? Or will their fueding ruin the whole thing?


Suggested Title: 'Upskirt days'
Synopsis: Rumours are abound that Palutena is in fact a tranny. Jigglypuff and Solid Snake challenge each other to a competition! The first one to discover the truth about Palutena's trouser furniture is the winner!


Suggested title: Doctor, doctor, doctor, docter (Animal crossing self yaoi)
Synopsis:A terrible disease kills all other organisms except for Dr Shrunks. Charged with repopulating the Earth, the Doctors start about the grim business but then they realise that they may be doing the nasty for more than just repopulating the earth....


Suggested title: Another super smash twilight (Another codexzeldaxsuper smash brawl)
Synopsis:Drug addicted Ashley needs to pick up her benefits for her next fix but Bulbins and a boomer don't want her to die through drug addiction. Will Ashley have the strength to go cold turkey or will she die by her friends who would rather shoot her with a rocket launcher and stab her with swords rather than see her die a junky.


Suggested Title:Genocide of the Latiasss and the Latiosss
Synopsis:Pregnant Samus' latest mission is to wipe out all the Latiasseses and Latiosseses. She kills hundreds of them before she has to rethink her mission as she finds out who the real father of her unborn babies are!!

Suggested Title: 300 Nook edition (yaoi)
Synopsis: Over Tortimers narration, the life of young Timmy Nook is depicted. Cast into the wild to fend for his life per Raccoon doctrine, Timmy Nook survives the harsh winter and returns home to be crowned Store Owner.
Years later, messengers arrive at the gates of Nookingtons demanding its submission to Store Owner Tom Nook. Outraged and offended by their threats and behavior, Store Owner Timmy Nook and his guards kick the messengers into a well. Acknowledging the threat of Tom Nook's invasion force, he visits the Villagers proposing a strategy to repel the numerically superior enemy by using the terrain of the town gates, which would funnel the Tom Nooks into a narrow pass between Booker and Copper. The Villagers, wary of Timmy Nook' plans, consult Katrina, who in her trance decrees that Nookingtons must not go to war, lest they interrupt the sacred fishing tournament. As Timmy Nook departs a messenger from Tom Nook appears, rewarding the Villagers a mountain of gold in return for their covert support.
Despite Katrina's orders, Timmy Nook decides on a leisurely walk to the town gates, gathering 300 of his best soldiers to act as his personal bodyguards. Along the way, they are joined by a force consisting of Pascal and various other visitors before arriving at the town gates. In sight of the approaching Tom Nook army, they construct a wall to contain the Tom Nook’s' advance. Timmy Nook meanwhile encounters Crazy Redd, a hunchback who requests a private audience with the Store Owner. A severely disfigured child, his parents fled Nookingtons to spare him certain infanticide. Crazy Redd asks to redeem his father's name by joining Timmy Nook in battle against the Tom Nooks and warns him of a secret goat path the Tom Nooks could use to outflank and surround them. Timmy Nook is sympathetic to the eager warrior, but rejects him upon realizing that Crazy Redd cannot properly hold a shield, which would compromise the Raccoons' phalanx.
Prior to the battle the Tom Nook’s demand that the Raccoons drop their arms and surrender. Timmy Nook refuses and challenges the Tom Nook’s to come and take their weapons from them. With their tightly-knit phalanx formation, the Raccoons funnel the Tom Nook’s into the narrow terrain, repeatedly rebuffing them and inflicting heavy casualties. Tom Nook, impressed with Raccoon fighting skill, personally approaches Timmy Nook to persuade him to surrender. He promises Timmy Nook wealth and power in exchange for his loyalty. Timmy Nook declines, promising instead to make the "God Store Owner" bleed, and turns to rejoin his army. Dismayed at the refusal, Tom Nook dispatches the feared Blanca (his elite personal guard), whom the Raccoons draw into a trap and narrowly defeat. The battles continue, with the Raccoons prevailing over soldiers and animals drawn from the vast reaches of Tom Nook’s empire: from Black Horses and Chocolate Bunnies to Patchwork Bears, rhinoceroses and friendly elephants. After two days of fighting however, an embittered Crazy Redd defects to Tom Nook and reveals the location of the goat path.
In Nookingtons, Gracie attempts to enlist the influential to help persuade the Raccoon council to send reinforcements to Timmy Nook. Pelly agrees, but demands that Gracie submit sexually to him, to which she reluctantly consents. At the town gates, the Greeks realize Crazy Redd' treachery and the Pascal' retreat in the face of certain death. The Raccoons, obedient to their law, refuse to follow, and Timmy Nook orders a reluctant Tortimer to return and orate the story of the valiant 300 to ensure their memory. In Nookingtons, Gracie appeals to the council but is betrayed by Pelly, who publicly accuses her of adultery in an attempt to discredit her. Enraged by his betrayal, Gracie snatches a sword and kills Pelly, rupturing a bag of Tom Nook' gold in the folds of his robe and spilling it onto the ground. With this evidence, the Council denounces Pelly as a traitor and unites against Tom Nook.
At the town gates, as the Tom Nook’s surround the Raccoons, Tom Nook's general demands their surrender, declaring that Timmy Nook may keep his title as Store Owner of Nookingtons, answerable only to Tom Nook. Crazy Redd begs him to do so as well, to which Timmy Nook remarks "May you live forever," an insult from a culture valuing death and valor in battle. Timmy Nook drops his shield and removes his helmet, seemingly bowing in submission. Cornimer then leaps over him and kills the raccoon. A furious Tom Nook orders his troops to attack. As Tom Nook’s archers shoot the remaining Raccoons, Timmy Nook rises and hurls his spear at Tom Nook, ripping open his cheek (and missing a fatal blow by mere centimetres), thus Store Owner "the God-Store Owner bleed." Tom Nook, visibly disturbed by this reminder of his own mortality, watches as the remaining Raccoons perish beneath the combined might of his army.
Concluding his tale before an audience of attentive Raccoons, Tortimer declares that the 120,000-strong Tom Nook army that narrowly defeated 300 Raccoons now faces 10,000 Raccoons commanding 30,000 Raccoons. Praising Timmy Nook's sacrifice, Tortimer leads the assembled Villager army into a fierce charge against the Tom Nook army, igniting the Battle of Gaywood.

Okay losers. Get it done!

Survival Horror...

...It's a bit of a dead genre.

Pun intended.

That Guys is now a blind cave salamander!

Yes it is. Five points if you can get the reference.

Omastar Comics #15, AKA Forgot about Dre

No Christmas way back then. Still doesn't stop Omastar anachronistically looking forward to it? Does it?


Whatever, Omastar. You'd be bored after like two years of it.

In other news:

Halo 4 storyline leaked by Bungie! Here it is especially for you, That Guy's Reader: "There's a man in the green suit. He a shooty man. Hes killin all the bad ones till the end when the shooty man maybe dead. He not dead. He just go away until Halo 5". EPIC stuff I think you'll agree.

Also, rumours that the Rockband drum set has traces of arsenic in it are abound. Be very careful the next time you play Rockband because you'll look like a fucking tit in front of all your friends. Oh and also the poison too.

"Rape me" by Nirvana confirmed for Singstar in April this year. Too late for the office parties but an essential addition to the DLC that ought to keep Singstar afloat for a while longer.

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering hordes then put 2 and 3 together and got 8 and went on a spree accusing Gamespot of being dishonourable, Eidos being petty and Jeff Luberjeister was hailed as some kind of gaming hero because they assumed that he had been fired because the big bucks (ha!) Eidos had pressured the corporate Gamespot to get rid of him-who-judges-a-game-fairly. Within seconds there were countless tribute videos on Youtube and numerous Gamespot staff tried to express their loss through a series of emotionally immature articles, including one comparison to the loss of Jeff Naberasker as the destruction of a city in Sim City. What a fitting tribute! Meanwhile as Eidos and Gamespot shrug their shoulders in a "I don't know what you're talking about fashion", the sensless gaming community went on and on spouting about boycotts of Gamespot and all other CNET sites which is stupid because boycotting Gamespot, Metacritic and Gamefaqs leaves you with sites like Joystiq and IGN to get your up to date news and reviews. Good luck. Then in a bid to not be outdone, a small community of True Gamespot Fanboys tried to shout above the crowd saying that they liked Jeff better and that this firing is the latest in a string of big losses for Gamespot following the apparent loss of other staff members with typically American names in recent years. Apparently when Ryan, Zack and Karl left Gamespot it was the beginning of the end no one listened though because at times of crisis the gaming community just likes to shout loudly like a bunch of drunk howler monkeys. At the same time everyone was pretending that they knew who Jeff Grubschter was, even though the only "person" that people know at Gamespot is Guy Cocker because he is named after TGAM favourite GIANT EMO GUITAR HERO. Pretending that anyone knows who the people are is ridiculous. You only go there for the news and videos. No one reads the reviews anyway past the big number on the top right. At this time a ridiculous subsidiary site also fired one of their members of staff over a controverisal review after which, 2 readers they never knew they had, crawled out of internet anonymity to make comments either with extreme tongue in cheek humour or genuine misunderstanding the parody which was followed up by a weak ass post that was too in jokey and then another post which was over inspired by the Zero Punctuation review of Assassin's Creed. Meanwhile, Jeff Graberpatcherman did a overly modest "it's about the integrity" spiel which deranged fanpersons lapped up even though at any given time over the last one and half years, said retards could have gone over to THE RAMRAIDER to find out how truly knee deep in shit back stabbing criminally negligent Games Journalism can be. But throughout the whole thing no one mentioned the true crime at the heart of gaming as it stands today, that is that Resident Evil 4 should really be Resident Evil 5, or Resident Evil 6 if you count zero as one when Capcom gets round to re-numbering all of them. Shame on you gaming community. Shame.

Them's the haps.

The Pokemon Drinking Game [Prison rules version]

Sometime soon, not today, maybe not even this year, but before the end of the world Richie and I are going to liveblog playing the ultimate pokemon drinking game. Drinking? Pokemon? Game? I hear no-one say. Yes that's right. Oh you want to play too? Here's the rules:

1) Equitment
You have to pronounce equipment as equitment and skeleton as skellington and vehicle as vericle. It's all part of playing the drinking game. Anyway to fully enjoy the Pokemon Drinking Game you need the following:

• Every single episode of Pokemon the animated series including the films and the Pikachu films (You can illegally download all of these from the internet. I strongly advocate that you do because when 4Kids or Nintendo or whoever finally decide to release all of them in your region there will be 2.5 episodes per DVD and it'll cost £15 each, even then they'll release only half of them).
• A whole week (7 days, preferably 8) with no other commitments. It might be advisable to send your better half away for a week too because it isn't going to be pretty and they are definitely not going to love you more by seeing you play PTDG:PRV (Pokemon the Drinking Game Prison Rules Version)
• 48 Shots of tequila per player
• 24 shots of guiness per player (alternatively black vodka)
• 20 shots of Mount Gay Rum per player
• 29 shots of Aftershock
• 26 shots of Stella Artois
• 34 shots of Sambuca per player
• 65 shots of WKD blue
• 19 Bloody Mary's per player (alternatively shots of Malibu)
• 56 joints (weed) per player*
• 49 shots of coffee per player
• 23 ice cubes per player
• 80 shots of vodka per player
• 51 shots of snakebite per player
• 54 shots of ribena (undiluted) per player
• 38 joints (hash) per player
• 27 shots of Irn Bru per player
• 93 shots of water per player
• A drinkedex ( a drinkedex is a list with all 49odd pokemon on it with their types and space for a tick)

2) The GameThe game is to then watch Pokemon from the start in chronological order, watching the films at the correct place and drinking shots everytime a new pokemon appears on screen (excluding intro sequences) according to their types. The drinks are assigned to the following types:

Bug-Tequila
Dark- Guiness/Black Vodka
Dragon- Mount Gay Rum
Electric- Aftershock
Fighting- Stella Artois
Fire- Sambuca (lit)
Flying- WKD Blue
Ghost- Malibu/Bloody Mary
Grass- Joint (weed)
Ground- Coffee
Ice- Ice cube
Normal- Vodka
Poison- Snakebite
Psychic- Ribena
Rock- Joint (hashish)
Steel- Irn Bru
Water- Water

So the first time Pidgey appears on screen (Flying and Normal types) you have to drink a shot of WKD blue mixed with a shot of vodka and tick it off on the drinkedex. The first time Pikachu appears (Electric type) you drink a shot of aftershock etc. When Arceus appears you have to drink/smoke/eat one of everything from the list.

3) Winning the Game
The winner of the game is the player who upon seeing every pokemon and watching to the end of the current season put their glass on their head and says "It's not just for kids".

So watch this space! We've got all the episodes and some of the alcohol all we need to do is to get the Maniacs together, which typically takes up to 6 months. Until then mayb you too could join in or maybe start buying up some of the equitment needed.

* We don't normally advocate the use of illegal drugs unless she is being a bit resistant but if you want to play the game and show the world that it isn't just for kids, buy a nine bar today!

Deconstructing Weak-Ass Arguments about gaming on the Internets #48

If you are as nerdy as me, you have no doubt gone about the web and read a plethora of girl gamer blogs, sites that have four posts on them, (most of which are copy and paste Etsy rummages from the excellent Wonderland) the latest post is about four months old, the comments boxes are largely empty and the only thought out article is one about “There are no strong female characters in video games”. Today I’ll be arguing that this is a bogus statement.

This argument isn’t new but the release of Super Princess Peach prompted a revival in the “computer games femmes are often portrayed as weak argument” by male and female gamers alike. Now it seems that any female gamer wanting to say something on the internets has to have written something like this in order to demonstrate that they really care or have something of worth to say about it.

Personally, given the choice I will play as a female character most of the time. They tend to be more interesting and less generic than male characters but I’m not making a statement about anything. My playing as a female character is no more interesting or noteworthy than the fact that in FPSs I’ll play with grenades or a grenade launcher more than any other weapon. It’s just the way I play.

As for strong female characters, (I’m not going to be so insidious as to say role models), some of the greatest games of all time have decent female leads or main characters: Rebecca, Claire, Ripley, Regina, Jade, Samus, Garnet, Koudelka, Nadia, Jill, Heather, Joanna, Lara and D’arci Stern are a few that spring to mind. At this point it’s customary to bring looks into the argument and say something about how female characters are only viewed as strong because they are sexy or they conform to the “Hollywood pedalled ideal of big tits, small waist and eyes as big as the moon”. Well that is true but it isn’t specific to female characters. Look at male characters. With minor exceptions most are generic hotties, which look scarily like the Diet Coke boy from the TV ads.

The female characters often tend to be more interesting/strong across games too; in as much as you can be a strong or interesting character in a game where zombies have taken over the world is the central premise. Men are often one dimensional characters also. By interesting I don’t mean, they have 20+ pre-recorded Bruce Campbell soundbites. Cases in point: WARNING SPOILERS

Harry Mason: Spends most of the game asking himself idiotic questions “Where’s Cheryl”. “What is it?” Oh yeah, he also dies.

Leon: Leon spends most of Resident Evil 2 trying to play the hero and protect and escape with Claire/Sherry/Ada, much to his frustration. He even asks himself at one point “Why does no-one listen to me”. Ah, diddums. Oh and even then Ada saves his life at least 4 times.

Chris: Yes! At last a decent 3 dimensional male character. He gets to be able to take more bites to the face but Jill can use a lock pick and Rebecca can play the piano. Wow Chris, you are a valuable asset to the S.T.A.R.S team.

Steve (Code Veronica): Dies.

Cloud: Is properly emotionally repressed and emotionally immature. The bit where he is in a wheelchair and can’t say anything is hardly noticeable.

Squall: The original …… boy who is so backward he can’t even answer Quistis when she hits on him and who takes something like 100 hours to even hint to Rinoa that he might be interested in her.

Gordon Freeman: Captain charisma himself. I think he was Squall’s role model when he was growing up.

Kurtis Trent: (Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness): Dies

Pig Boy from Beyond Good and Evil: Is literally a PIG. Yes, the symbolism is pixel deep.

Sam Fisher: They call him bland……James bland.

Frank West: See this brilliant piece of writing here. You should be able to do that in the game. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you have to fight things. More cowardice should be allowed in video games. I know I wouldn’t go into the mall why should I be forced as a man?

Crash Bandicoot: Ok, sticking with the animal theme. He’s next to mute where as Coco is both intelligent and can speak.

Phoenix Wright: Wouldn’t be able to solve a single case without the help from his numerous female colleagues. Those both alive and dead.

Mario: The original male protagonist. 281 games and still the best he can come up with is “It’s a me! Mario”. Also, he’s slightly chubby as well so I might get on my high horse and denounce Nintendo of being hardcore militant feminists. What kind of ideal do they give males who use videogames as their sole source for influence and role models to aspire to??

Pikachu: (specifically the one from the TV show/Pokemon Yellow).Well, I’m not convinced the Pikachu is male anyway. I’m sure that Pokemon purists can quote lines from the games/series to say otherwise but I’m not going to believe what fictional characters say of other fictional characters. Pikachu has a women’s voice. There is no point here.

Snake: The original grunty man’s man. We’re busting no stereotypes with Snake. The only time he shows any emotion other than testosterone is when he’s in his box in Snake Eater.

Link: He might be an exception had he been instilled with any kind of character whatsoever. As it stands he shows the same joy at saving the Hyrule/Zelda etc. as he does the first time he picks up a rupee. I think Drawn Together’s interpretation of Link might be the most accurate.

Zangief: Well there is an exception to every rule I guess.

Ironically, the only game that lets me play as an anaemic, evil, foul-mouthed, short of breath, lazy, weedy geek male (your average male) is GTA San Andreas. Aha! Oh, but of course you play as a male so we lazily lump that in the sexist bin with Tom Clancy’s latest Big Balls in Big Balsiztan 2: Cocking Anti American Evil in the Wrong ‘un With Our Huge Army Wangs Like Real Men. (BBiBB2:CAAEitW’uWOHAWLRM).

I can understand some of the frustrations of MMORPG players who want their female characters to be on the other side of slutty. However, busty, leggy, naked females have been a key part of fantasy as a whole genre since the beginning. Without busty, leggy, naked females who knows where the fantasy genre would even be these days. Without thousands of prepubescent geeky teenagers getting their cheap thrills from the box art of D&D there probably wouldn’t be a WoW today. Getting rid of the injustice inherent to the system might be a tough nut to crack.

So in summation, I’ve barely started really but I think it’s more balanced thought than some other authors have given the subject. We can all pick and choose examples to use to unfairly support some bias or agenda we might have. In all honesty I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. Either way computer games, blogs and the internet is for nerds so whatever, nerds. I’m off to take three guys in my butt whilst getting suffocated with big fat wet front flaps smothering my face whilst playing golf on a skyscraper on my friend’s secret island in the sun with my millionaire friends and my 18 supermodel girlfriends whilst drinking champagne from poor people’s empty skulls and ‘dry hump dancing’ as Elton John puts more money in my thong, so enjoy struggling on the third boss nerds. Fucking nerds.

P.S. Note to pseudo-academics, feel free to steal these examples and use them in your latest pathetic study of ideas of gender in video games or some other such pop culture twaddle because I know you can’t be bothered to do any real research but I’m fed up of reading “academic” publications on videogames that draw solely on your experience of that time you played Myst whilst you were in college and what you read when you googled “Girl Gamer”. Just make sure that the next time one of your students is giving you head for extra marks, get him/her to call you Cunzy1 1 x x

Hey- Low!

So All-Star and TGAMer, Chuff_72, our eye on Xbox Live reports that yesterday:

"Well I got home yesterday, and everyone in the world was logged into Crackdown waiting for the Halo 3 Beta to go live (it was supposed to at 2pm) and for some reason it wouldn't, so I went online and it was basically carnage! There were people on Bungie.net threatening to sue and one dude said he was gonna hang himself! Sooooo funny, I love people I do! All Bungie were saying was "sorry" so it left all these retards crying like little girls… Anyways they have apparently fixed it and both the Dr and I set it to download this morning, ready to go tonight - I will have a full TGAM Special on it tomorrow… probably."

Which reminded me that there have been a couple of low blows to the Halo community in recent days. A lot of people rolling their eyes because there's a new game and it's going to so popular but no-one understands games anymore. It's not all about the twitching it's about really 'getting' the game by laming it up on World of Warcraft with 7 million other losers.
It's interesting the polarisation of gamers. MMORPG players tend to want to cyber other players pretending to be women, they don't like fighting and they are happy to be rewarded for clicking the mouse button on enemies. They hate graphics and like to chat and think that they know gaming because they've only played one game in their whole life. FPS players on the other hand are all about reflexes, skill, training and talent. For them everyone else is rubbish, they are the best. It doesn't matter that most of the games are identical and within two weeks everyone is using glitches, cheats and mods to get the cheap win. Just look at it! It's so shiny and slick. Only big bad boys with bouncing balls dare to play this kind of game. Or 12 year old american fucktards.

Anyway, in conclusion it doesn't matter because you are all a bunh of nerds. Whilst you are wanking over pictures of Super Mario's anus I'm going to be doing coke off of twenty real life women's snatches whilst completely drunk on champagne and moonshine and driving a ferrari and getting round the clock blow jobs whilst dance humping super models as we laugh long and loud at how pathetic all you nerds are playing you videogames at the same time you're in your basement dinging level 2. Fucking nerds. Get a life losers.