Thursday, January 21, 2010

New That Guys 'Girlfriend' Identified

See here the lovely Lisa Courtney officially has the World's Largest Collection of Pokemon Memorabilia and we are seething with jealousy so bad right now.
We thought we were contenders for it but Lisa's collection dwarfs the TGAM meagre collection of:

  • Copies of Pokemon Red, 2 x Blue, Yellow, SIlver, Gold, Ruby Sapphire, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, TCG, Ranger, Link, Stadium, Stadium 2, Colosseum, Ruby & Sapphire Box, Channel, XD, Snap and Mystery Dungeon Time.
  • A Psyduck Plushie.
  • Seven or so key rings of Pikachu.
  • An Eevee that senses motion and says Veeeeeeeeeee (batteries not working).
  • A copy of Pikachu's Global Adventure.
  • Legal copies of the first film on DVD and VHS, two copies of the second film and one of the fourth film.
  • A bunch of rubbish stuff from that awful day
  • Loads more other stuff that we are way too embarrassed to go into. Very little of it is official Nintendo merchandise mind. Some of it is totally home made too.
So, in resurrecting a feature we did four years ago Lisa wins this month's maniac award and is deserving of the title on two separate levels! Expect an interview or shaky photos of her through a window soon! She gets plus points for arranging them in colour.

PS: Also, you should check out that video because our mate Guy Cocker is in it. I'm sure he is a great guy an all but we'll be damned if we could ever get past his name.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - The Inevitable.

Yeah it happened... Delay #1

Where it was previously set for October 23rd UK release. It is now set for a November 13th release.

No news on any new characters... so it looks like we are just on the usual set of DBZ characters, with a few of the movie characters. Though there are rumours circulating of around 4 or 5 extra characters. Which logically will be Hercule (Comedic character), Cell Jr (Spawns of Cell), Saibamen (Little green aliens the Saiyans use) and Janemba (The big bad that fought Goku and Vegeta's combined form, Gogeta, who has already been confirmed, though I suspect that SS3 Broly might be his adversary [interesting, maybe we can get SS3 Gogeta?]).

On a personal note. I would like them to return all the previous characters from previous games, GT aside there was plenty of interesting "What-if" scenarios in the previous games such as Goku and Hercule fusion (Gocule) Tien and Yamcha fusion (Tiencha) and even the addition of the original Dragonball characters (Young Goku, Mercenary Tao, Grandpa Gohan, Yajirobe).

But who knows...

Stay tuned,

I'm always right Richie XX

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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Bethesta Announce:

An Elder Scrolls book:



Fuck that shit, get the finger out on Elder Scrolls V! Stop fannying about with Fallout 3 DLC! Jesus...

What we're all thinking,

Richie V

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Friday, February 27, 2009

Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the book)

Yes! As you may know today is the day Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop came out for the Nintendo Wii. AND I GOT IT.Last time we looked at the box. It was generally good. Now we look at the book which was in the box.

The book
This photo is pretty bad. I was so excited I was shaking. You can see they used the art from the box which is pretty standard practice actually. The book is informative but it is in black and white.

Notes
You probably can't tell but this is the notes section of the book. We were worried that there would not be a notes section even though we never ever write in the notes section because it devalues the game and everyone can see you cheated. We have a designated note book for all our gaming notes.

Up next: Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the disc).

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Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm making a note here

Yes. HUGE SUCCESS. See we are cool and down wit' the kids. Anyway, the subject of todays' post concerns some much needed, early spring cleaning. Looking at the internet, it seems that gamers and their tedious memes are everywhere, but as gamers we need unanimously agree that there are some things we should stop talking about. Seriously, get over it. Move on. All the time, waffling on about the same things over and over again. Filling up Fora, Blogs, Comments and Youtube with inane points and counterpoints which have been made before in a much better way. In the end, no one cares. All vidjo games and vidjo gamers could dissappear tommorrow and the rest of the world would carry on as normal, perhaps even function a bit better. So, here's a list of stuff that I propose we eject from the gaming community's vocabulary so that we don't waste what precious little time we have talking about imaginary playworlds:

1) All games before August 1995.
None of them were any good really were they? No, I know you think they were great but really, they weren't were they. I'm looking at you Way of the Rodent with your incessant nostalgia for Tempest and Elite. In fact let us not only forget all games before August 1995 let's just pretend the 70s and 80s never happened. That should clear up a big chunk of the internet currently occupied by middle aged men who use their website to justify their gaming "hobby" to other middle aged men whilst their wives cry themselves to sleep and contemplate getting real husbands. Let's just agree that the SNES was the first console and Killer Instinct the first game. It's time to let the embarassing heritage go.

2) The Jeff Gerstmann thing.
Who? I made this note last year but I can't for the life of me remeber who or what this is. Oh well, forgotten already I guess.

3) Metroid and Zelda games.
Come on now. Just say the names to yourself. "Zelda", "Metroid", "Link". If you wanted to sound like a 90s film geek you should just play Magic the Gathering. There's no need for these franchises. They didn't add anything to the gaming landscape in general (especially now that the 80s and early 90s don't exist). It's high time Nintendo put them out to pasture and, I dunno, put together some new IPs? Hey, there's an idea.

4) Deus Ex.
Not as hideously name dropped, as say Ico (or Fallout all of a sudden?), to show to other gamers that you lay somewhere on the spectrum of gamers between "saddo who imports Japan only releases and makes arcade cabinets in your spare time" and "Person who only buys Fifa and Halo but has friends, likes cars and watches football". Which, is fair enough. You have to let other gamers know where you are on the spectrum before the flaming proper can begin. But Deus Ex? It was mediocre at best.
That's Department for Culture MEdia and Sport
5)Bioshock
That was sooo last year. In 2 months it will be completely forgotten so let's speed this process up and shut up about Rapture post-haste yes? Or if you absolutely have to mention it, call it Bioschmock okay?

6)The modding community and homebrewers.
No one wants to play the PSP using their iphone or use a Wii mote as a mouse or play Elite on their microwave. The only reason your sad techie projects get any "news" time from the internet is because occassionally there's nowt else going on. Slow news days are when the DS mod stories get rolled out. Invest your time better. You're obviously intelligent people with a lot of time on your hands so why don't you work on X-ray specs or teleporting devices already. As brilliant as Pong on your vibrator may be, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

7)World of Warcraft
Remember when everyone was talking about this game? Those crazy adverts? Terra Nova? Those nude protests and gay guilds? What a shit game. There weren't even any decent guns. Let's forget that embarassing episode of the 2000s and move on.

8)The PC versus console gaming debate/argument
Yes, every now and then this little gem rears it's ugly head. Consoles are rubbish right? Doing now what PCs were doing 20 years ago. Just look at the new red ring of death feature on the Xbox 360. PCs have been doing that forever. Plus, in PC FPSs you can turn on the spot! As for PCs, top end gaming rigs cost an arm and a leg and still can't play current games at top specs and, well, PC gamers are lonely creatures. They don't need friends to play games with because they can go online with other emotionally stunted weirdos. Also, most PC gamers play MMOs or Resource Management Games. That's right, Resource Management 'games'. We need to band together as gamers as a whole people because ultimately, you're all sad monkeys wasting your life on virtual play machines that are rightly deemed as low brow culture. Which, brings us nicely onto:

9) Justifying games.
Games as art, games as emotional experiences, games as storytelling. Yeah right. Games are art in the same way that Eastenders is art. They are emotional experiences exclusively for the average emotionally retarded gamer and there's not a single storyline in video games that wasn't stolen from Hollywood. Unless you count Silent Hill, Metal Gear Solid and Final fantasy but they don't really count because their stories are just really long and quite stupid but because they are so long your mind tends to iron out the really really bad bits and strings the rest together to form some kind of sweeping cogent epic. As for the Wiitards who keep bashing on about the Halo storyline being anything other than "unbelievably tiresome and cliched, if in fact it does exist at all" they are so neotenous they only deserve our sympathy because I imagine it must be very hard to be a ten year old stuck in the body of a 25 year old. Games exist solely for you to waste money and time waiting to die and hopefullydistracting you from the politicians who piss all your taxes up the wall and into prozzies mouths. If you can manage to have a kid sometime in between then it might not all be in vain, otherwise your just putting in all that time and effort which you will never get back, into midly diverting fantasy where you can either kill goblins, shoot spaceships or win the world cup with Scotland. Storylines, art and emotions do not come into it. So shut up.

10)Portal
Yes we're sick of it already. Look, you must must realise the fascination has become uncool now because this guy is doing the song live and normal people seem to enjoy* it. This isn't on gamers. Stop trying to get normal people 'in on the secret' because when gaming gets breakthrough popular we'll all have to abandon it to find some other alternative pursuits to whine on the internet about.


*My knowledge of the colourful peoples that make up America is: Rednecks in the South, Gangs in the East and West and Stepford Wives everywhere else. So maybe cringy geekery is the norm for the good people of Atlanta? Maybe there are no normal people in Atlanta. Who knows and or cares?

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Friday, May 11, 2007

A new Resident Evil DS?

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair...Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.

It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:


"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"



Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Explorer Reporting


Webcomics. There are a gazillion out there, done by horrible Indie types who probably live in San Francisco, they probably have cats and they probably are responsible for the AIDS. They are mostly about love, excuses to draw boobies or to show off to the world how much stuff the "artist" knows. Amongst the plethora of webcomics there are a tiny fraction about our favourite subject- Videogames. 98% of them however, are either sprite comics comme ca or ones titled "Two Noobs and a Gaymer" or "Just Another Gaming Comic". I've scoured all of these and they are without doubt awful and as the World's Second Best Videogame Blog it's time to play key service to those truly outstanding ones, or the ones that everyone thinks are outstanding. Then we will crown our Queen, the World's Best Videogame Webcomic. NB although our Queen sounds better because we are Second Best and she is the best, this isn't actually the case because webcomics are marginal at best.

In no order whatsoever, albeit arranged by badness with the 5th worst of the best first, running up to and including the 1st best of the best at the end:

5)Concerned Comics Perhaps the greatest videogame comic of all time in terms of the writing, the visuals and other things which comics are in terms of. Based on Half Life 2 it follows the adventures of Gordon Frohman and it's genius. The author Chris C. Livingston also adds technical, comical or just whimsical notes about the 'shooting' of the comic. Why is it in 5th place you ask? Because, alas, it has ended. The story finished. The upside is you can head over there and read the whole darn thing now. Do it. Do it now.

4)Penny Arcade Penny Arcade is to all those arts graduates tenuously hanging on to a "job in videogames" as Gary Larson is to scientists and science academics. They do other stuff as well like Pax which is supposed to be, like, amazing and they set up that charity where you buy toys for kids in the third world. Last year we sent some kid in Wales two yoghurt pots with a string in between. They can play phones. PA is in 4th worst best place because too many people clog up the internet talking about it. This includes me now, again. Also, a lot of people say that it's really 'high concept'. I don't think they know that PA is a webcomic about videogames though. Also the wikipedia page for it is waaaaay too long. The strips aren't that funny either. The writing on the blog bit is insufferably written too. Reading it is like reading TGAM if we were actually trying to communicate something with using longer words.

3)Ctrl alt Del A funny webcomic about videogames. Many people from the internets will try to argue with you and say that Penny Arcade is better. There are many a forum attacking and defending both but ultimately only the opinion of the World's Second Greatest Videogame Blog really counts and they say that it's the third worst of the best comics on the internet. Apparently the creator, "Tim", is really protective of the comic and kicks people off his forums if they say bad things which, by the way, is fair fucking play. If you want to insult people on their own site then go here for god's sake. Amber will sort you out if that floats your boat. There's a place for everything. However, the position in this definitive list is shaky. The comic occassionally features a character called Chef Brian who is just fucking annoying. "People" say you either love or hate Chef Brian but you'll just hate him. His like that guy you went to school with who would try to be random by uttering such random hilarity as "My Mum's golf ball is made of shoes" or who would answer every question with the word "Jam". Later they would become an orthodox Christian and refuse to talk to any non Christians. Later still, like sometime last year they would kill themselves. Not that I have a specific example. Ctrl alt del, lose Chef Brian or drop off this list. Warned, you have been.

2)VG Cats VG Cats is a webcomic by some Canadian guy. I could look his name up on Wikipedia but you can do that. VG Cats is just brilliant, the early comics were a bit slow to get going but the more recent ones are consistently brilliant. Admittedly there are some misses but the hits more than make up for it. Check them site out now! THis one is my favourite.

1) Dinosaur Comics OH SICK, the best videogame webcomic in the world and hence our new Queen is Dinosaur Comics. The shock is twofold. Fold 1. It's not really a videogame comic but occasionally the Devil talks to T-Rex about computer games. Fold 2. It's a Sprite comic which I said was bad. Dinosaur Comics is different though. It's genuinely and consistently funny whilst avoiding the usual pitfalls of cheaply using violence to end a strip or being too in-jokey. Go read all gabijjion of them now they are truly truly awesome. This time it has nothing to do with dinosaurs either! Go read it, you'll laugh and cry all at the same time.




Meanwhile, in video games......

OH FUCKING SICK, DINO FUCKING SAURS in the TOmb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition. I have only just seen this screenies yet my left testicle is now devoid of spunk. As I type I feel the right one emptying onto the floor x
SHINY TOMB RAIDER & DINOSAURS-SICK IT'S FUCKING SICK I TELLS YA.





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Saturday, December 23, 2006

TGAM Game of The Year 2006: Cunzy1 1

It's been a good year for games with 7 consoles releasing some truly brilliant games. What is my choice of the year? Shadow of the Colossus? Gears of War? New Super Mario Bros? Or have we been bunged a load of cash to say Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter?

No lady and gentlemen my choice for game of the year 2006 is Timesplitters 2, the finest FPS on any format, possibly excluding all the Residet Evils which are RTS anyway.

Why is it so great?
Timesplitters 2 is so great because it had everything and it was birthed during the happy phase of gaming before age of cynicism of advertising, bugged to fuck game releases and mediocre copy catting. Go ahead whack it on now remind yourself how good it is, no gangstas, no Halo health system, no EA trax and no episodic releases.

The story mode (although lacking a strong plot) is still highly enjoyable now, putting the "acclaimed" story modes of Half Life 2, Gears of War and Final Fantasy XII to shame. The levels are excellently designed and the layouts of each one has seemlessy wormed it's way into my long term memory from the opening snipe-snipe-move of the excellent Siberia level to the daunting endless firefight of the Robot Factory. The story mode was better experienced 2P Co-op without any watering down of objectives or sections unlike other FPS that offer "Co-operative play" albeit minus secondary objectives, unlockables, mutiple routes and set pieces . Beating the story mode on hard was no mean feat either, the first level (still) proving one of the most challenging.

The game would also load profiles from both (or from all 4 with a multitap) memory card slots at the same time too!. A feature that a lot of current games still don't include which means many a trip to the memory card browser to see where all your save games are. It sounds like a small point but in the age of ADD, during group game sessions the ordeal of finding old save games can mean that some games just simply won't get played because by the time you've opened the disk tray reset the console and checked three memory cards the initial desire to play rapidly fades.

The challenges were both fun and, umm challenging lengthening the replayability and also generating a mild amount of competition between TS players (see the Timesplitters World Records for the sickest acheivers). The player statistics and arcade awards were genius too especially the Surf Time stat. (the amount of time spent riding the crane on the Hangar level) and the Cartographer award. In our circle the behead the undead challenges became the one to beat friends' scores. Sergio's Last Stand was my favourite pitting Sergio the Strongman in the ring of the big top facing wave after wave of flaming zombies armed only with a shotgun and a fire extinguisher. The tonne of unlockable cheats, extras (including the addicitve Anaconda, Astrolander and the racing game for use on the Temporal Uplink in story mode) and characters meant that many a night was wasted on that perpetual "one last go".

The game is full of humour with hat-tipping to popular culture and the original TS throughout. Challenges and Arcade league matches entitled "Dead Fraction", "Golden Thighs", "Aztec the Dino Hunter" and "Half Death" were the more obvious references to other FPS, particularly Rare games. The Akira-inspired Neotokyo level (set in the same year and city as Akira) and the Half life-esque Atomsmasher also spring to mind. A read through the character bios on the gallery screen still gets a chuckle at some of the more subtle references. It's these kind of obscure features that will us to believe that the makers of this game love games as much we do and in a silly kind of way rewards us for wasting our time with this looked-down on hobby that is playing games.

The multiplayer is amazing all who disagree are wrong or have "shit between their brains". 4 player is an absolute must and the 16 player link up mode was nearly fautless with enough players (us and the three other people that played it over an ilink think so) but bots were disabled which meant that unless there were a decent number of players matches would get tedious with me winning all the time. The 16 multiplayer maps were highly awesome as well as being strong across the board which is quite unique for FPS. Levels such a Ice Station, Chinese, Mexican Mission, Training Ground, Hospital, Construction Site and Streets bring back many happy memories of hours of fun, be it an epic capture the bag tournament on the Ice Station or a close run Gladiator match in the Nightclub.

TS2 offered 16 different game modes from standard deathmatches to brilliant virus, gladiator and elimination to the hit and miss leech, shrink, thief and vampire modes. We ended up playing virus mode the most (approximately 98% of the time) in specially constructed levels made with the mapmaker. Even though most of our levels had the odds stacked in our favour with strategically placed gun turret batteries and various fall-back positions we only ever made it to the full ten minutes on a handful of occasions; even less so as a completely "clean" team.

Despite the fact that there were 126 selectable characters, including most of the cast from the first Timesplitters, many of them are memorable, reminding you of their related levels and challenges, from the brilliant R One-Oh-Seven to the annoying Robo Fish. We grew to hate Harry Tipper (We used to call him Harry Potter we hated him that much) who seemed to take on a god-like toughness once he contracted the virus. My personal favourite was Lady Jane from the first timesplitters. Being able to keep "a character" throughout a series is underrated especially if you think about the complaints that arose when characters couldn't be transferred from Baldur's gate 1-2 and the troubles that many MMORPG players have because they can't transfer characters over servers.

The weapons were also formidable from the grenade launching S47 rifle to the flammable arrows of the crossbow (you could use fire from the environment to turn normal arrows into fire arrows). The use of secondary fire for weapons like the minigun, S47 and plasma autorifle meant that even when you were armed with just one gun there were still plenty of options for beating opponents; go in guns blazing? Nuke the room with grenades first? Or go for the tag and run approach with the plasma autorifle grenades? The inclusion of the fire extinguisher and the return of the brick were much welcome for the occassional silly deathmatch or a desperate last resort.

The music was also supreme. The Goteki TS remix, the Nightclub theme, the Anaconda themetune being the best but the haunting Notre Dame track and cyber punk Neotokyo tunes featured on most of our custom levels. Go to this superb site Timesplitters music box to download or hear them.

The downsides
There were only two downsides to my Game of the Year 2006. Firstly, they removed team starts in deathmatch for mapmaker constructed levels which meant that team deathmatches weren't as "us vs. them" as in the original. Some levels were a bit shite because there was a chance you'd start next to 3 opponents. Secondly, there were no character animations on the charater select screen which was a really nice feature in the first one (memorable quotes including "Ok we leave"-Ghost a reference to the Cube, "Who's your daddy?"-Tuxedo Cyborg and "Wheee Doggy. Looks like we got some shooting to do"-The hillbilly mutant guy. Other than that; get, play and love this game.

The comments above reflect a mere tip of the iceberg of the stuff in this game but I'm hoping that 2007 brings a worthy sequel. Certainly a hard act to follow especially with the emphasis on today's FPS being online play, vehicles and all the other Halo suff. What makes this game Game of the Year for me is just the fun you could have and the humour that shone through regardless if your playing on your own, 2 player story or 4 player mode. Harry Potter's cry of "Ai, it burns", the shame of getting Pathetic Shot award after an intense deathmatch or the joy of beating your record on the Nikki Jinki Bricky match in Arcade League.

UPDATE we have had a flurry of emails about the 'so called' sequel to TGAM Game of the Year Timesplitters 2, Timesplitters Future Perfect. Calling this a sequel to the brilliant TS or TS2 is akin to murder. I don't mean metaphorically or hyperbolically, it actually carries the same weight as killing another human being. I will hear no further discussion of this point less you want to be a murderer in mine eyes. The game is playable but don't ever ever tarnish the legacy of TS and TS2 by mentioning Future Perfect within a month of mentioning TS and TS2.

Why saying that Timesplitters future perfect is a sequel to Timesplitters 2 is like actually killing another human being:

1) The announcer.
This one feature alone requires the death of another jesus to bring human kind back to zero on the sin-o-nometer.
2) Four kinds of monkey. Anyone playing as the monkey is a total cunt. Don't encourage cuntness in games there's already too much of it.
3) The pointless zeep.
4) There was no Lady Jane and most of the new characters were more generic than a Boing Boing post. Chuff_72 adds: they took away Jaques De la Morte's hat too

5) The annoying EA "Have you played as the monkey" messages that appeared during the menu screens. Most annoying was the "Have you swapped maps online yet?" message. Ha ha ha the PS2 online.
6) They ruined the gun turrets. Essentially, it was decided that you didn't need to be able to see where you were shooting whilst on the gun turrets. As much fun as a screen full of muzzle flare is, the reticule on the TS2 version was infinitely better.
7) Harry Potter was one of the main characters.
8) The virus looked rubbish. Before, infected guys would be neon green head to toe. In FP only the top half was a pale greenish which meant that on some levels it was hard to see the virus and it was always difficult to tell if you had caught it for a while.
9) The multiplayer levels were shit. The good levels were Mexican Mission, Chinese and Training Ground even then they managed to ruin Chinese by linking the level up. Venice was generic and confusing, the Temple was mediocre, Zeppelin is too big, meaning half the time you are looking for opponents, Bunker was too confusing, VR is perhaps the worst looking level in world history, Disco was too small, Siberia was too big and Spaceport was too restricted. The big shame is that some of the story mode levels would have made great multiplayer maps.
10) Character selection animation was brought back but oh god (see point 5).....
11) Somehow the fun was stolen from it. It was too easy to die and it was too easy to kill opponenets. Somewhere a fundamental change between TS2 and FP changed the whole dynamic of the multiplayer game. /cry myself to sleep.
12) The weapons were shite. Because the flexibility of weapons was removed (see below) if you get stuck with a mag-charger or revolver you might as well give up until you respawn.
13) After the release of TS2 many FPS adopted the same control system with fire and primary fire buttons in the same place. In FP secondary fire was changed and controlled with the d-pad this meant that guns were no longer as flexible because of the 1-2 second break between modes. Also the decision to map grenades onto a button for itself was ill conceived. Even now when playing FP I have to really think which button throws grenades. Why they didn't stick with the TS2 setup keeps me wide awake at night, crying like a menstrual hypersensitive young women with a cold and peanut allergies working as an onion peeler in a peanut processing factory just after the deaths of everyone she knows watching that 'somewhere over the rainbow' cancer awareness advert.

Cunzy out

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