Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Some Fucking Fucktards Get Annoyed About Nintendo The Week They Start Running Prime Time Adverts Addressing The Problem They Are Peeved About

Games Industry biz has the scoop parsed via Kotaku because we can't be arsed to register for GIZ! Because that means cum.

Basically, a bunch of nobodys are whinging about Nintendo not doing enough to advertise WiiWare and DSiWare and all the online stuff. Unfortunately, this coincides with Nintendo running some rather good adverts on the telly box about how to get your Wii online and why you should.

Unfortunately neither umm Pong Toss or Christmas Clix are featured in the ad.

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

All bets are off!

First one to point out the error killed Maddie
Okay, okay, who had 1.14 on the 8th of January for Peter Molyneux to start making big huge bullshit hype claims about big games that will ultimately never be realised upon release and end up as 7/10 this-game-had-some-great-ideas-but-totally-cacked-up-the-rest?

Did anyone have that late in the year? No? Looks like 2011 will be a rollover!

To be fair to the guy, as much as we kid, Civilisation was an awesome game.

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Friday, January 08, 2010

Who wants to live forever?

Piiiikmin
Recently, we've been playing through Pikmin 2 (the wiimake) and boy it is still a great game and playing it makes us feel a little bit sad inside that a gamecube port can get us more excited than some of the latest releases. You've can't help but love the little guys and feel genuinely mortified when you see those little ghosts signalling you've just lost one.

Speaking of new releases here are our reviews of all the games to come out this month:

Bayonetta: Surprisingly good and out Devil-May-Crys Dante himself.

Darksiders: Looks like a World of Warcraft character crossed with Devil May Cry and Prince of Persia on acid. Plays like Excalibur 2555 A.D. on poppers.

Dark Void: Worse than Resident Evil 4, better than Spyborgs.

Dark Ciders: Better than Strongbow, worse than Belgian beer.

Dark Darkers 2: Pretty dark considering.

Darkstalkers: We wish.

Mass Effect 2: Will be as talked about and played as much as Mass Effect was for that week.

MAG: As much fun as those two minutes of all those other generic runny-shooty games where the HUD occupies 90% of the screen.

Army of Two, something something something: 4/10 PLEASE STOP THIS SHITTY FRANCHISE.

No More Heroes 2 Desperate Struggle: Another Casual Wii Game.

Some JRPGs for the DS: The DS now has 18000% more RPGs than the PS3 and Wii put together and literally infinite more than the 360. 7/10.

PRETTY AVERAGE start to the year with a couple of exceptions. Until next time.

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Monday, December 14, 2009

Joke of the day


This one is from the only other fellowgaming celebrity Leigh Alexander.

"I prefaced this post with a reminder of the business realities major blog networks face because I find it hard to believe that Brian, who taught me quite a great deal about going the extra mile on news reporting -- because our audience deserves the whole truth -- would thumbs-up a porn star's "celebrity" advice column unless it were part of a larger and necessary Gawker initiative"

Brian Kotaku Brian? The whole truth? Good one Leigh. Good one.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Ad Man is a Bad Man

Those of you living in the United Kingdom Emirates may have seen a couple of the recent Fallout 3 GOTY edition TV spots. This makes a refreshing change from the constant Wii adverts.

We looked for a relevant video on Youtube but there are so many gameplay videos it was tricky to find. So instead we're going to go back in time to 1950 and explain the advert using only words*.

THE GUY WHO DOES ALL THE VOICEOVERS FOR AMERICAN ACTION FILMS: Play Fwallout 3 NOW!
2 second clip of someone doing a head shot.
2 second clip of someone hitting someone with something else.
2 second clip of someone having an explosive device thrown at them.
2 second clip of someone having something [indistinguishable] violent done to them in slow motion.
THE GUY WHO DOES ALL THE VOICEOVERS FOR AMERICAN ACTION FILMS: Gwame of the Ywear Edition out No[Gravel, gravel, Gravel]w.
1 second shot of credits.
End.

Now we're all for televisual adverts for great games but is the advert really capturing what is truly great about Fallout 3? We thinks no. We think it represents a game so great for many many other things, perhaps great for not focussing so much on all the things the ad highlights. But we also recognise that it is really hard to sell all those lovely extra features in such a short time slot but it doesn't stop us coming up with an alternative version:

You're breaking my heart. You're shaking my confidence daily. This image was the only one I could find that was relevant and the only way in which it is relevant is that it comes from a post about a spade by the excellent Pentadact

TGAM's FALLOUT 3 ADVERT- WORKING TITLE "A Dreamscape's last hiatus".

Black screen to opening of 'Cecilia' by Suggs.
4 minute clip of a player chasing a mutant across a wasteland continuously swiping away with a spade. At the end the mutant escapes and the player starts randomly shooting grass, trees and other scenery with a pistol.
1 second shot of credits.
END

We know which one we think most accurately describes the game. And we would happily make this ad for $4,000.

*We managed to find a computer old enough that would actually let you type in words. Then via a spectrum of younger and younger computers we managed to get it from a 490 inch floppy disk to a USB stick and then onto the internet. If we weren't so tech savvy we could say, hand on heart, that this post wouldn't have otherwise existed.

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Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Sorry. DSi only!

The first DSi only games were announced last week.

I just don't understand why they would do that.

Why so quickly? Why wait until half the world have a DS or DSlite, then bring out the DSi then bring out DSi only games. Wouldn't now be the time to be bringing out the DS games now that everyone can get in on the action?

Realistically, it is probably something to do with the DS having an average attach rate of 3 games. Which means anyone wanting to accrue a collection or play through all the decent/semi decent DS games gets fucked with a stylus but the average punter gets to keep that shit-eating grin on their face.

Everybody sing it with me! [In eastern European propaganda stylee]

R4 cartridge!
R4 cartridge!
Giving the consumer a genuine chance at experiencing!
This wonderful culture!
They killed R4!
They killed R4!
Now the only option is to buy Kirby: Canvas Curse on Ebay!
For a hundred bucks!
R4 cartridge!
R4 cartridge!
Giving consumers the dream!
The only way to play them all!
Before they are discontinued!
And we get some shit that involves the camera!
Because the microphone was so well used before!
Like in Nintendogs and ummm that other game!
So get an R4 catridge today!

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 49

Yes that's right, it's number 49 in our highly successful TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever. After yesterday's non game we decided to include another non game. And todays 49th TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever? Resident Evil Confidential Report: File 1. Never heard of it? Shame on you. It's oft* been described as the mobile phone Halo.
Ah mobile games. You are shit. Should of stuck at snake and tetris
Yes, Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1 makes up for what it lacks in being a good game of any sort by having Resident Evil in the title. Did you know reader that in Japan Resident Evil is known as Gendengi Shen Doru Obu Natsuome Ou? Well it is! Imagine such titles as Gendengi Shen Doru Obu Natsuome Ou: Director's cut or Gendengi Shen Doru Obu Natsuome Ou: Outbreak File 2! It's batshit crazy upside down world is what that is.

So that's 49. 49 is so today but what does tomorrow bring? Well thanks to the vast number of votes in our hotly contended reader voting (visit the forum to join in), we have a surprise entry to the so-far Resident Evil dominated list.

The list so far:

50: Biohazard 4D Executer

*This meant to read "further in this sentence".

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Worthy Entry

But Dacav still has the title for best Tetris remix yet. This one is good, the vocals mix it up a bit but as with a lot of Electrance the repetitiveness kicks in. And your talking about Tetris in the first instance which isn't amazingly varied. It needed a bigger ramp up to. Possibly, the B game theme could have flitted in as a bonus for those able to mark subtle auditory mix ups.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

Nintendo are lieheads.

nice PHOTOSHOPMore Nintendo lies this month with this post over at the "Official" Smash Brothers Dojo. This site is so fake they can't even get the name of the game right. The real name is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Anyway we brought you the scoop on the real SSBB characters and stages two months ago (check it fool).

But! Whoever is behind the farcical Dojo site is fucking cruel. It's OK to goad the Fire Emblem geeks but picking on Sega fans is a crime against humanity. Don't build their hopes up. I can here the frantic bashing of keyboards already as they plan their Sonic Faninima's shot with SSBB to add to the steaming pile of Sonic Machinima that already exists.

Be advised Dojo webmaster, I'm emailing Google to get you taken off the listings. You've taken this joke too far now.

Whilst we are on the subject of shitty fan made crap, this following public notice is brought to you courtesy of our latest "if you can't beat em join em" tiresome parody of an already tired meme:

LOL Get it done AMV freak monkeys.

N.B Casual readers may have noticed the use of many 'hyperlinks' in this post. More than you are probably willing to click. However, our hyperlinks are sponsored by Children in Need. Everytime you click one of our links another Z-list celebrity will sign up for the hideous hammy shit that is the awful Children in Need event. Please click gratuitously and perhaps we can inspire at least some of the middle class to commit suicide when it is screened.

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

OK, We leave...

Yeah, I'll probably be back in a couple of weeks 'cos I'm going to E3! WootWell this is a different post to any other that I have written here. You may have noticed that since our one year birthday we haven't made any posts. That is because Richie doesn't make posts and well because I... I don't know how to say this.... but I. I'm going to leave the blog.

My reasons? Well for the last time. It's time for a list:

1) As one of the only women writing on the interwebs about games I have faced nothing but persecution from people. One commentor said "You make me feel sterile". As a women and I blogger I could clearly translate this L337 as "You are sterile". Now I can take jiggery-pokery like the next person but when people make assumptions about my reproductive system and it's functionality then I say No! You can't tell me that. It's my ovaries and uterus and nothing but a spot of untimely blood or a doctor is going to tell me about them.

2) I'm happy in "real life" so I don't need a blog to keep whinging and whining about the injustice inherent to the system. I have a loving cat and 4 bottles of Gin. I'm totally leaving because I am so happy with my life and not because I don't have anything to say and everyone else is doing a better job of saying it. At all. That's not the issue I 'm just really happy. On my own. Frigging myself off to Trisha whilst sobbing into my Irish Tea at 10 in the morning. Just super happy...........

3) Everyone on the internet is a nerd anyway. Goodbye nerds

So this is goodbye. I might come back here every day whilst holding down F5 to see if my dramatic statement drums up anymore readers. But I probably won't. I just want to say thank you to everyone who have left such wonderful messages. I'm just so super happy in real life though. Goodbye Homophobes x

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Friday, April 20, 2007

NEWS ROUND UP

WORST LOGO EVER "News" from "this" week

A nice report via boing boing about how most games are now old games.

There have been an equal amount of PS3 and Wii consoles sold in space.

Thatguy's a Maniac, the world's second best videogame blog of all time is nearly one year old! Check out under "events" to join in with the birthday bash.

Hellbound Angels finally signing off. Or only one of them or something. Which I, er guess means that we won!

New Gears of War clan TFU (The Fuckest Uppest) are now top of the UK and US leaderboards. Well done boys and girls I knew we could do it.

Nintendo announce another Gamecube remake exclusively for the Wii. Man I can't wait to play another game I've already played but with spacky controls.

Everyone blogs about some shooting and videogames. Not us. We've taken the higher moral ground and gone for anime, anti-anime week. JOY FOR US!

And that's how, for now. Catch you next week and boy do we have a good show, exclusive interview with TFU's leader, a comprehensive walkthrough for Second Life including secrets! and exclusive video from the latest Disney's Dinosaur game and Richie is writing an epic Twisted Metal , Final Fantasy VIII kidz, Naruto, Speed Freaks, Star Wars Phantom Menace fanfic set in the World of Warcraft. Take care now kids and remember if you are going to shoot up your classmates save enough bullets for yourself! Ta-ra

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Let's Do........ Griefing: A Guide

Griefing has been in games for a long time. A modern definition would certainly be mostly about racism, sexism and all the other 'isms' towards other players particularly in multiverses, MMORPGs and online games with text or voice chat. However, griefing has been around in games for a while. Lets look to the origins of this much maligned behaviour.

Griefing first originated in games where you could directly affect other players. For me and the Catch The Monkey And Other Games B69 (the name given to the merry band of gamers that I used to play with) peeps the first precursors to griefing behaviour could be found in Micro Machines on the Mega Drive.
A well timed nudge before a jump or on a thin walkway would send the other player spiralling to doom. Remember this is a Micro Machines before weapons and powerups. Then strategies would start to develop to counter act nudging. The classic braking before someone goes to nudge you means that they end up facing the other way and you can race off for the win. No doubt other gamers have different landmarks but for me this was the first instance of in game behaviour that was contrary to the main objective of the game, to race to the edge of the screen; underhand tactics.

The next phase in the history of griefing is friendly fire in co-operative games. One press of a button would change a cooperative mission into an all out deathmatch. I site hours of split screen co-op Doom. I would spend hours with Chuff_72 in a deathmatch of our own making. Many other games allowed friendly fire which would, temporarily, shift the emphasis of the game to beating the other player rather than complete the level or dungeon until one or either players get bored and then progress would continue as 'normal'.

Then as games allowed more complex interactions between avatars; chatting, fighting and emoting griefing behaviour also evolved. Much of the griefing behaviour that is complained about in news articles, blogs and forums simply falls under harassment. Rude remarks and lewd avatar poses are the kinds of things that people complain about but as one famous griefer commented "This is low level shit". It's no-brainer behaviour just setting out to abuse other players. This kind of griefing has a high profile and many companies and individuals work hard to prevent it by banning or reputation systems. Why do they do it? Well, because it's fun. Regardless of whether you think it is or not, GRIEFERS GET PLEASURE from seeing you squirm or flail or try to get indignant.
Griefers often know a game inside and out and they are bored by the game. Raiding, instancing, grinding are for the most part dull. Aggravating other players on the contrary is fun. Often because victims are so helpless. Retorts like "You are so Immature" or "Go back to your Mom's basement" (an American retort) pleases griefers. They have offended you in game and all you can manage is a parent like criticism, a plea to courtesy or respect will get you nowhere. Other than attempts at reasoning what are you going to do? What are you going to do to stop them? Nothing. You can't and even if you could they know the game better than you. They'll see what you are trying to do and outwit you again and again and again and when you are most insulted you start to insult back and then you've lost. By stooping to their level when at first you accused them of being immature you have lost. They have made you become what you object to the most. Your best bet is to run away or ignore them. There is no adaptive strategy like in our Micro Machines or Doom examples. You can't fight back (unless you are PvP'ing) and any reasoning through text chat excites the griefers more.

In my view, Camping, Spawncamping and other behaviours which are seen to not be "in the spirit of the game" aren't griefing behaviours. As a player individual, or a player as part of a team you can come up with a strategy of play to take down a camper. Taking out campers as part of a team, for me, is when play is at it's best. You have to empathise with the sniper or whatever. What are they expecting you to do? Can you distract them or put them off at all? I've seen a tank and two ghosts taken out by a sniper and I've seen Battle Grounds in WoW where the Horde continue to wipe out the Alliance because they were uncoordinated. It's griefing that you can do something about. You can't blame people for playing the game how it's supposed to be played. So shut up complaining or go back to the one player campaign. Yes, it isn't fun getting rinsed. I've had experiences on Gears of War, Tribes and Quake when a team of semi pros suddenly joins a game and they are good. They take you out with clinical precision and don't bother with corpse humping or other such behaviour. They're too professional. I know it sucks to lose but when you eventually take them out it feels good. Like I say. NOT GRIEFING.

The next level of griefing is one that involves more creativity and gets respect in the same way that hackers seem to get respect for breaking a code or system. This is system wide or game wide griefing. It is often ingenious, time consuming and well recorded. Examples are shootings and atomic bombs in second life, The Great Scam in EVE ONLINE, giant prostitute pictures at the Second Life Big Brother Bash, Crashing an in-game funeral in WoW and Floating Penises in Second Life during a CNET interview with Anshe Chung. I'm sure there are more but this is just a selection. This kind of griefing is a step up from mere insults or lewdness. It's using the games systems and players personas to cause widespread chaos and to generally seek attention. But again, what are you going to do about it? Many of the above examples are from Second Life and it's because there is so much freedom that these things happen. Whether or not the Great Scam in EVE Online is real or not, I can't say but it's another example of people playing the game. So what to do?

In the future I'd like to see vigilante, or counter griefer, groups appear. You don't see the good or the great gamers getting griefed, they're too good. The griefing in World of Warcraft is allowed to happen because people want to be nice to each other and not be forced to fight. The game is called World of Warcraft but yet on some servers you can't even beat up any ne'erdowells. Another point is that ultimately griefing is boring. Youtube 'griefing' to get the view of those doing the griefing in WoW, Second Life, EverySource game. It's boring, often mind numbingly dull yet they do it relentlessly. The more inventive griefers go to a lot of pains to find glitches or exploits in skills, tech trees or trades only to use them too much in one day and get the behaviour or the exploit fixed or blocked soon after. They are willing to invest a lot of time and effort for sometimes a few hours of 'fun'.

All in all I think it's fascinating and as a gamer I like to relate to my avatar. If I start to get grief I want to think or react my way out of it. I don't want to run to the message boards or GM's and complain. Also a griefer on your side can be a great anti-grief deterrent so maybe reacting out of hand straight away isn't the way to avoid grief. It probably attracts it.

Thinking and ranting, thinking and ranting. If you aren't convinced by that then just go here

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Comic Book Capers

Today children we are looking at Comic Book Superheroes. We are going to make some sweeping judgements and then try to apply deep philosophy to it just like all those Geeks did to the first matrix. Do you remember that readers? After the first matrix, the people who dressed up as Neo would go around touting how deep the film is and that it touches on some really deep issues. Then someone else dressed as Neo would say "Hey dude!It's not that deep it's just based on this book/anime/thought experiment". Then loads of those media university lecturers wrote books on the Matrix and how it marks a turning point in the late 20th century, cyberpunk became the new stupid thing that hip lecturers and literature teachers would teach in a vain attempt to appear with it and with a finger on the pulse. Do you remember all that reader?

Then the Matrix Reloaded came out and pretty much shat on all those people. It was brilliant.

But it's time for Comic book superheroes to back the fuck off. As gamers we are fed up with your lame tie ins and taking up valuable shelf space in't shops. No one likes comic book tie ins or super heroes. Especially not in the UK. Anyway, here's the thing:

1) X-Men
X-Men isn't about prejudice against the gays, jews or other American "minorities". It's about a guy who has a made up-metal skeleton. Claws come out of his knuckles and he cuts shit up. Can you see Magneto on Queer eye for the straight guy? or maybe Gambit in Curb your enthusiasm? The answer is no. X-men is all about silly costumes and funny super powers. Don't read too much into it geeks!

2) Superman
Superman is perhaps the worst superhero ever. He is "Super"man right? SO why doesn't he just fly up into the stratosphere and listen to everyone's conversations. When he hears naughty people doing evil things he should just bust them with his laser eyes. Instead he insists on doing face to face confrontations by which time he gets gatted by Kryptonite or some skirt is in peril and he only has enough time to save her or finish the badguy. What a pussy. If I was in a film from the 90's pretending to be a hip kid I would be wearing my cap backwards and saying "Weak" right now. Oh and American science geeks with a healthy interest in "popular" culture don't write in saying actually the power of his laser eyes/hearing would be weaker if he was in space or whatever. Firstly the dude can fly so explain that prickles. Secondly, I just don't care about you or your opinion so set up a page on Wikipedia if you need to show people how good you are at maths. Oh and it is maths, not math. Same goes with Lego you ignorant fucks.

3) Batman
Who are you? I'm BATMANIs a total fucking jerk. Not only because the Ocean game on the amiga was solid. If batman fell more than 5ft in the game he would die. By die I mean he would just curl up in the foetal position and you'd have to restart. The batmobile levels were Team Rocket Science too. Just ask celebrity gaming Doctor Dr.Wo about it. Unlike X-Men wikipedia is right when it says Batman and Robin are gay. Not gay in the homosexual boring sense, gay in the lates 90's, annoying, rubbish or disheartening way. Don't even mention the Batwing levels on the Amiga......



4) Captain Commando
OK I'll concede on this one. Captain Commando is the fuckingest awesomest Comic book hero. What's that? He isn't a comic book character? Really then why is he a Captain? Plus he is all about Capcom he is Capcom and we love cap... HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS SCREENSHOT. I HAVE JUST FILLED THE 8ft BY 6ft ROOM I AM IN WITH SEMEN TO A HEIGHT OF 9 INCHES AND I AM STILL EJACULATING........

It keeps coming out. When will it end?

Cunzy1 1 Out x

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