Joke of the day

This one is from the only other fellowgaming celebrity Leigh Alexander.

"I prefaced this post with a reminder of the business realities major blog networks face because I find it hard to believe that Brian, who taught me quite a great deal about going the extra mile on news reporting -- because our audience deserves the whole truth -- would thumbs-up a porn star's "celebrity" advice column unless it were part of a larger and necessary Gawker initiative"

Brian Kotaku Brian? The whole truth? Good one Leigh. Good one.

Saboteur Review: Kotaku are Racist badmen

As many of you are aware "The Saboteur" came out today. Its a little 3rd person romp through Nazi occupied France, you play an Irishman being a pest to everything Nazi-esque. It's being praised as gritty, dark and atmospheric, but castrated with moderate gameplay. It's a bit of a faux pas releasing anything even slightly 3rd person-y with Assassins Creed 2 still going hot from the shelves, especially one which looks and feels like Altaïr in Nazi France. Negativity aside its a better experience than it is a game. But lastly and most importantly the game has boobs. That's right tits, titties, mammaries, breasticles, jugs, melons, jumper puppies .

Because the game is set in France it has, of course, got the lumpenproletariat, bohemian, mid-war desperation. And what better to illustrate that than Burlesque shows and Gambling!

Where there are people trying to make money there are always boobs:

Cant see them?

Now you don't need to even play the game!


But yeah, bewbies aside. You'll notice I referred to Kotaku as "Racist Badmen" this is their comment on the "Feckin' hard" difficulty" setting:

"The Saboteur might be in France, but its maximum-strength difficulty is all Irish, reflecting the nationality of its protagonist. Although - help me out here, United Kingdomians, I thought "fookin'" would be the onomatopoeic for the Emerald Isle's f-word adjectival."

It sparked off quite a few angry remarks from the commenters to the (excuse the vernacular) Kotakuians*, and quite rightly!

1. Ireland is NOT in the United Kingdom.
2. They clearly ignorant as to the onomatopoeic sound (otherwise referred to as "accent") of the Irish.
3. You know at least one of them will claim to be Irish or Scotch despite being born in America.
4. I pity anyone who has not seen Father Ted.
5. They could have just fucking/fecking looked it up! Is Google/Wikipedia not available in the colonies?

*Pronounced "Coynte"

Expect nothing less,

Richie XXX

Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku

As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their writers being gay.
7. Pictures and post headings are not always appropriate.
8. It reads very amateurishly, especially when compared to the other Gawker sites, Gizmodo, io9, and ironically WoWinsider.
9. We resent having to trawl through Kotaku, and only Kotaku for news. Can someone set up another site which filters out all the shit?
10. They get more hits than us and a lot of better sites.
11. Their "Just ignore them and they'll go away" approach to Thatguys. We've sent them at least 300 excellent tips about real news and we've only ever once got a reply.
12. The constant navel gazing.

13. Too many Brians and not enough Keiths.

14. The 'crazy times' of Stephen Dorito who seems to have died as a good writer at the hands of the frat boys club.
15. The properly rubbish and ONMish TGS coverage.

16. The ballbreaking effort required to post comments, get a conversation going and track who commented on what. It's like the battery farm of the deaf except nobody numbered the cages. This and the neonatal amnesiacs which seem to make up the readership makes it a vile inhabitable wasteland for the thinking gamer. A churlish "forum" and god-forbid other 'inclusive' features do a great job at weeding out the dissenters.

17. The incessant inappropriate advertising which brings feedreaders almost to a halt. Or did.

18. Uninventive and boring tags.

But the most annoying part is they recently did a couple of posts without even a nod in our direction:

Exhibit A:
Kotaku:Use of the word: Underboob.
Thatguys: Coined July 2008 by Thatguys.

Exhibit B:
Kotaku: Some drossy article on sexism in games.
Thatguys: Satirical review of sexism in the industry from 2007.

 

Cunt and Otaku,

Richie and Cunzy11 XX

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Streetfighter IV: WE DID IT FIRST!!!

HA, this isn't really an update, but more of or crazy conspiracy theory that Kotaku may be "the man" and he is keeping thatguys down, mainly through subliminal hits and Machiavellian conduct. But also sapping and impurifying the precious bloggily fluids with their fluidic and readable posts.

It goes all the way back to Jesus, man! 'Kotaku' in Sanskrit means nothing more than "wanks over graphical representations of girls/boys with exaggerated eyes and which have possible insinuations that they are not of age of consent". And of course any layman can see this is synonymous with the church, which in-turn are synonymous with the fabled Illuminatti. The Illuminati...blah, blah, blah... Dan Brown is Brian Crecente...blah, blah, blah...Moses was the original top-ten list Blogger...blah, blah, blah...4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...blah, blah, blah, yakity, smakity...Is nothing more than biased media dictating what we should and shouldn't like.

That aside, yet again we have proven ourselves better than Kotaku by bringing you news you "care" about

P.S. Our picture was better, FYI the pic Kotaku have is of Vegeta only "trying" to power up to Super Saiyan 2 (I wont spoiler but, c'mon even maths dictates that is a 2 stages before SS3) whereas WE brought you actual images of SS3 Vegeta in Raging blast.

Wewt,

Richie XXX

DANGER: Women in games. Part 2: The Revenge

So it’s been a while since we last decided to tackle the ongoing issue of the fairer sex grasping at the Joystick of the games industry and giving it a good old tug. Last time we touched on this subject we talked about the industries efforts to entice the female market, the vacant “hotties” keeping the guys interested in the industry, and most importantly painstakingly rendered, gorgeously rendered 3D boobies. Almost two years have passed since that last post, has the industry changed? Well it was this article, brought to my attention by Kotaku, which flared my dismay at the industry/humanity. It reads like an open letter to the gaming community proclaiming that girl gamers should be taken down from their pedestal, claiming that an entire gender is still having a hard time in the industry/gaming because of horny adolescent boys.

I'm afraid that I have to go out on an attack on Dairuka, and perhaps TGN, this entire post was clearly written by a cuckolded-pantsu-sniffer with aspirations of being a knight in shining armour for the entire girl gamer community. I'm afraid his post does nothing positive for this sexism in gaming issue these girls are not delicate frail little flowers who are going to break down and just give up gaming. There will always be dicks online, they get fragged online they'll lash out at whatever they can, whether they are from somewhere else, speak different, or simply have a vagina. And regarding the gamer girls flaunting their goods in order to peddle the next over-hyped shooter to the 14-21 bracket, it's not like these girls are coerced, intimidated, forced to do it. It's naive and dare I say it, misogynistic, to think that they don't know what they are doing or the consequences of doing so.

But enough of this blogwarishness in the past year have we seen an improvement in the industry? Is there less sexism in games?

What recent releases have we had that promote those nasty body images, or those negative portrayals of men/women.

Name and shame time.

Fifa09:

My god... where to start, there is not one woman in this game. What are they trying to say? Are women not as good as men at football? Frankly I'm appalled, it even has character creation, with NO OPTION for the oestrogen side.

X-Blades:

As you can see it seems quite well rounded. She is clearly a strong confident women, her face clearly screams jailbait, and in a nice change of pace she is so thin you can see her ribs. Who on Earth could find fault with this little pedo-trap...

Me! Look! No camel toe! Disgraceful! Women should be proud of their labia this is clearly the wrong kind body vagina image to be promoting!

Bayonetta:

Ok so it is not out yet, but I heard there is a skill upgrade later in the game where she incorporates a queef into a combo, staggering the enemies not from disgust but just pure disappointment. Nobody wants to witness that.

Batman - Arkham Asylum:

Actually hats of to Eidos, proving that scantily clad hotties can be loonies too:

Harley Quinn

Pole dancing dominatrix/french-maid/nurse clown woman, Does it get much better? Well if you look at her skirt look there is blood on her crotch! Menstruation-tastic!

Poison Ivy

Veiny leafy green-camel-toe. wnak.

Wet:

Any game that has the gumption to at least even hint at the possibility of moist, glistening, vaginas gets a thumbs-up from me.

Resident Evil 5:

And of course we cant chat about sexist games without mentioning RE5. for some reason she cannot use the Gatling gun... What is she too frail? Though this just might end up being a race issue.

That's it for now, I could easily re-hash the old arguments of negative portrayals are not exclusive to women. How it is all just fantasy How, yes there are women out there that have big breasts, and its only less attractive and less well endowed women who have issue with this, mainly because they don't have the option to entice and manipulate men as the beautiful ones do. But I shan't, just check the previous post.

Signing out.

Richie XXX

Public Service Notice 48

This public service notice relates to the use of the term "facepalm". The use of such a term is increasing in forums, on blogs and on those motivational poster images. The users of the term may wish to rethink using it as it is only really used by american people who spend more than two hours a day watching cartoon network. Here are some suggested alternatives to use to impress fellow children on the internet:

Gosh that was really embarassing for that person.
Whoops.
Oh dear that was unfortunate that that thing happened to that guy and everyone saw it.

Please help make the internet a cleaner, more respectable place so that alien archaeologists don't have to shift through so much shit when trying to work out whether or not humanity was all that or not.

Welcome Strangers

After years of attention seeking it finally happened. It's the fourth biggest day of our lives. We got a link on Kotaku after we sent a link to this post after Brian C (Big C we call him) didn't take to kindly to our latest tip. Tip 25 reposted here for your eyes only:

25. Rumours abound tips too

Handwashing and gargling? Seriously. Are you even trying over there? Here is a good tip for you though which might cause your stomach to erupt if handwashing floats your boat!

In the game 100 Classic Books for the Nintendo DS, the summer evening BGM makes a fine accompanyment to a quick read of the Hunchback of Notre Dame because, wait for it, it has bells tolling in the background. Share this tip carefully boyos.

He replied with "Hey how’d that happen? You’ve landed on my spam filter."

Then I shared the link to the post and it turns out he was a lie head because he then went on to share the link with the whole of Kotaku.

What happened next?

Then overnight we recieved an influx of Kotakuites (3662 to be exact) which brings our total visitor figures to TGAM up to 2461. Some of them were kind enough to leave comments here, which I wil now take time to respond to a la Soloman or Smith. Names have been changed because most of them pussies went anonymous.

Thumb it in said "Uh on the 24th tip, how bout not reading the day and night notes?Would help in the not being annoyed by them, wouldn't you say?"

Well Thumb it's not a problem since day note and night note seem to have mysteriously dissappeared following our glorious link.

Matthew wrote us an essay "SO WE WERE ALL IN JAPAN THE OTHER DAY AND WE WENT TO A JAPANESE PLACE AND AtE SOME JAPANESE FOOD AND IN JAPAN FOOD IS DIFFERENT THAN IN AMERICA AND IN JAPAN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TRADITIONS AND STUFF. buy my book".Wow that is great. It does seem that all I ever hear on Kotaku is about Japan if it comes out of that guy.I'll have to return to finish reading this when I have more time, but it's great so far.

and later

OK, it took me a little time to go through it all, but I have confirmed you are insane. Just give up, is one tip. The only tip I ever got posted was one about the Call of Duty 4 beta release. I've sent in cool stuff before of varying subjects (All related to gaming), but now that I understand how many emails they get, I can give them a little slack.I do like what you said here:. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my faceDon't bother with Second Life.I think the best tip you ever got is from Kotaku themselves (The link that is), so you're probably peeing yourself right now, congrats.

Thanks Matt although we gave up peeing ourselves when the cold weather settled in that nice warm feeling just doesn't stay warm long enough. Although, if we see a fire engine, who knows?

Leadbythenose said "What a waste of time, I wish kotaku hadn't linked me here." It's nice to see such frank honesty these days and glad to see that at least Lead got the joke unlike:

>9000 who helpfully pointed out that "Your tips are lame. seriously they are weak tips are supposed to be for information about new games not game guide help. and duh ashcraft lives in Japan I think he is going to be slightly japanese...." We feel so embarassed the whole time we thought we were being helpful! Thank god women like +900 are here to point these things out.

Hotnblack said: "Its easy to hate kotaku, I mean I know I do at times...but their coverage is too good to overlook. Every other game site/blog out there is just copy and pasting off their feed." Which is pretty much what we said in the post he had just commented on when we went:

"Kotaku is a gaming news site, probably the best one actually at least in terms of volume and frequency, not neccessarily consistency....... From here the escapist and then EDGE copy and paste all their news." But it might have been worth reiterating I guess.

Nothingbuthenews found a third use for his arsehole and said: "I totally agree, I wish I hadn't followed this link. This is what you do with your time and call news? Ugh." HE JUST CAN'T STAND THINGS WHICH PEOPLE SPEND THEIR TIME ON THAT ISN'T NEWS. Which is most things.

Slowbutsteady doesn't know his sister started her period. All he knows is that his Dad's dick taste funny once a month: "I, for one, very much like the Day and Night Notes." Then it's a shame they've gone now then [replaced by just Note but whatever].

RegIII resisted the debilitating FIV long enough to choose a poor turn of phrase to suggest he has tried email stalking men and masturbating, preffering the latter: "Seriously? This is how you waste your time? Here is a scorching hot tip for you...... jack off.... far better than email stalking guys."

Nicoffiend goes: "Congrats on wasting two years of your life attempting to get a rise out of someone you don't know and who couldn't give a rats ass about you." Dude. We took breaks.

What happened next

Thanks to our traffic tracking software we were able to follow the kotakuites. Well over 1000 of them then 'found' the CG Boobies tag. They then spent an average 30 seconds looking at the posts. The little quiz box on the right went up 5 votes for put my bum in his willy and 4 votes for put my willy in his bum. Sadly, RegIII died of the FIV. The world is a slightly better place. Then they all went back to Kotaku for some good old fashined naivity and some circle jerking. It'll take some time for the chip smell to go away though.

I never did say which email broke the will of the Big C. In fact for a guy who didn't notice he said this after the Second Life tip: "Does the hole, perchance, lead to your brain?".

Devil May Cry 4: Bestest. Cosplay. Ever.

Wewt!! more Devil may cry 4 images, apparently the model is called Vikki Blows (Classy). The entire staff at Thatguys wish to cordially invite you to take our hand in marriage.

We take it back Kotaku... you provided us with this image, you aren't all bad. Except for the silly fish on the bewbs, what's going on there?

Luv n Hugs

Richie X

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering hordes then put 2 and 3 together and got 8 and went on a spree accusing Gamespot of being dishonourable, Eidos being petty and Jeff Luberjeister was hailed as some kind of gaming hero because they assumed that he had been fired because the big bucks (ha!) Eidos had pressured the corporate Gamespot to get rid of him-who-judges-a-game-fairly. Within seconds there were countless tribute videos on Youtube and numerous Gamespot staff tried to express their loss through a series of emotionally immature articles, including one comparison to the loss of Jeff Naberasker as the destruction of a city in Sim City. What a fitting tribute! Meanwhile as Eidos and Gamespot shrug their shoulders in a "I don't know what you're talking about fashion", the sensless gaming community went on and on spouting about boycotts of Gamespot and all other CNET sites which is stupid because boycotting Gamespot, Metacritic and Gamefaqs leaves you with sites like Joystiq and IGN to get your up to date news and reviews. Good luck. Then in a bid to not be outdone, a small community of True Gamespot Fanboys tried to shout above the crowd saying that they liked Jeff better and that this firing is the latest in a string of big losses for Gamespot following the apparent loss of other staff members with typically American names in recent years. Apparently when Ryan, Zack and Karl left Gamespot it was the beginning of the end no one listened though because at times of crisis the gaming community just likes to shout loudly like a bunch of drunk howler monkeys. At the same time everyone was pretending that they knew who Jeff Grubschter was, even though the only "person" that people know at Gamespot is Guy Cocker because he is named after TGAM favourite GIANT EMO GUITAR HERO. Pretending that anyone knows who the people are is ridiculous. You only go there for the news and videos. No one reads the reviews anyway past the big number on the top right. At this time a ridiculous subsidiary site also fired one of their members of staff over a controverisal review after which, 2 readers they never knew they had, crawled out of internet anonymity to make comments either with extreme tongue in cheek humour or genuine misunderstanding the parody which was followed up by a weak ass post that was too in jokey and then another post which was over inspired by the Zero Punctuation review of Assassin's Creed. Meanwhile, Jeff Graberpatcherman did a overly modest "it's about the integrity" spiel which deranged fanpersons lapped up even though at any given time over the last one and half years, said retards could have gone over to THE RAMRAIDER to find out how truly knee deep in shit back stabbing criminally negligent Games Journalism can be. But throughout the whole thing no one mentioned the true crime at the heart of gaming as it stands today, that is that Resident Evil 4 should really be Resident Evil 5, or Resident Evil 6 if you count zero as one when Capcom gets round to re-numbering all of them. Shame on you gaming community. Shame.

Them's the haps.

Still Homophobes

You may remember last week I was disgusted with the way that Kotaku just can't handle comments from a woman and my account was banned. It appears that my appeal to the masses was heard and my account has been sort of reinstated [see above] but I still can't comment I can only clip articles and follow friends.

This is the suxxor because:

1) Following friends on Kotaku is like swapping spit in an HIV clinique. Just because you've got it doesn't mean you should only hang out with others who do. In fact you should do the opposite.
2) Clipping articles is not something that I would ever do. The only thing I want to do is to tell the Brian who lives in Japan to shut up about his boring life and give us more games news. I hate it when site administrators rise above their stations. Would you like it if the monkey stopped mid dance and started to give us a comment on how it is to be a monkey forced to dance to a grind box day in day out? No! Dance you fucking dance monkey.

In other gaming new [via Kotaku]:

Mass Effect has Space Opera 'tits' and lesbians! Great. Because the sci-fi nerds needed more pandering to. I don't mind about the lesbians. What does fuck me off is that scores of twats who think writing about videogames is important or constitutes a real job are going to cite this scene forever more. Just because fucking is hinted at and almost shown doesn't mean this game is any kind of milestone, or ground breaking or important. In fact from the video it justs looks childish and a bit hollywood. Has anyone else had sex? It's not like that at all. With the lights and the slow moving and the cheesy "Wow you were great!" afterwards. It's more like "God, for someone so skinny she is so heavy. Quick move her onto the bed. 1,2, 3. Heave! Okay, heads you go first, tails me first. We've got about two hours before we have to dump her on the green".
Pandering to geeks who aren't great in bed is what this is. It's like fucking guitar hero. You are shit at guitar in real life but good on Guitar Hero. So what? You realise that you look like a proper tit when playing real guitar right? You look ten times worse playing guitar hero. The same for mass effect I predict. You are shit at sexing in real life but you might feel a bit better if some blue alien bint tells you you were great in the game. Show this scene to any potential fuck buddy and you will instantly lose any shaggability you may have once had.
Also, lets face it, mass effect, for all intents and purposes is looking like Fahrenheit which had two lots of fucking in it. ONE OF WHICH, THE FEMALE "LEAD" WAS SEXING WITH A DEAD MAN. She even comments that he is "cold". Blue alien lesbo is a step backward from sexing a dead man. What happened to progress?


DON'T SEX THE DEAD MAN! If only you could warn virtual people in the past through screenshots!

Day note: FINE! I'll do everything my fucking self then!

To:1 1
From: "Type-0"

Wow! This new set up is very interesting Cunzy1 1. Your day note was quite boring you should really make an effort to learn japanese or some shit. I'm not doing the Wii jokes again!

Anyway, here at TGAM Towers everything is great. We still have the same asinine commentors and a whole bunch of posts from the puerile to the interesting.

What you missed (because it is possible to miss stuff that is posted on a website if you can't detract your eyes from the puke inducing colour scheme):

Bewbs
Bewbs
Bewbs
Oh hawt bewbs
Bewbs
Lol Bewbs and Biff

Kotaku in Plagiarism Scandal

They Stole My Word!!!