Thursday, October 22, 2009

Gamer Laureate

Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a film for you' just doesn't sound right.

It was upon reading about the new poet laureate here that I had a revelation. We need a gamer laureate. By need, I mean need as much if not more than we need a poet laureate. And by a gamer laureate I mean me.

It would be great. You get paid to disseminate the wonders of gaming to the nation, the state and the queen. And don't we need it? As gamer laureate here is my manifesto/action list:

Poetry in screenshot people

1) A public campaign to raise awareness of bad games that should not be bought in any event, even if they are part of a bundle or £20 cheaper than a decent game.

2) I would make it part of my job to publicly challenge celebrities, politicians and international dignitaries at various video games. Would you trust the prime minister better if he was good at Mario Kart? I know I would. Fuck the elitist background, experience and acumen, if the man knew his way around Cheep Cheep Beach he'd do significantly better by me and undoubtedly better in the opinion polls. Similarly, global conflicts might be resolved by a best of 3 game of Dash to Destruction than through a bloody waste of life expensive and unpopular war.

3) I'd be an advocate for the gaming nation and work with other gamer laureates around the world to unite our underground nation. It always surprises me that gamers haven't formed their own nation yet. There's enough of us. Shit. Even if all the Wow players got together that is a respectable mass of people. We could control the world.

4) Work to preserve the gaming heritage. Every year, games slip away into the ether as discs, hardware and code is lost and damaged. As gamer laureate I'd create a national museum of video games. It would be at the V&A because the nation doesn't really need a national museum of clothing, cutlery and crockery. It would be great and at least people might be interested whilst they are museuming in London. It would be a great place to celebrate the achievements of British coders and gamers who, frankly have added more to individuals lives and wider contemporary culture than wanker millionaire artists.

5) Set up a charity national hints and tips phone line. Anyone who has ever seen a google analytic report for a gaming site will know that so many of our fellow gamers don't know how to use google or that gamefaqs even exists. I'd help to set up and run the helpline for gamers in need of that extra bit of advice. Helping gamers all over the nation to complete their games. The helpline would also be available to support victims of griefing, blue shelling, spawn camping and ganking. A demographic currently ignored by government.

6) I'd act as personal gamer to the Queen. If she every wanted to co-op Half Life or play a bit of deathmatch on CoD and Harry and Wills weren't around, I'd be her player 2 (or 3, not 4 though).

7) I'd work with national media to make sure they get their shit straight. No more errors or mistakes when blaming secondary school shootings on games and no more lies in the token 'games' sections in the newspapers and magazines.

8) I'd work hard to make gaming more socially acceptable than wine connoisseurs, bird watchers, foodies and people who play polo. Of course, we are more socially acceptable than these elitist snobbish hobbyists and activities but gaming has had a bad rep for such a long time it barely hovers above fiddie kiddling in the national lists. Support me to put gaming in it's rightful place, above people who waste wine for a hobby.

9) I would be available to play games with people at state events. After all they have to put up with poetry so a spot of minesweeper, micro maniacs or uno wouldn't be out of place. Would it?

10) Hand out the excellence in gaming awards every year. The awards are for those British people who have struggled against the odds to set new high scores, to top international leaderboards or for particularly impressive speed runs. Awards for notable gaming journalism, literature, machinima, fan fiction or audio remixes would also be awarded.

So that's it so far. It's a lot I know but it needs doing. Drop any suggestions in the comments and I'll send it to King Tony Blair to see what he thinks of the whole idea. I promise not to forget about the little people when I get there. x x x

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

The top ten of Iphone games/apps

Yes. I'm capitalizing Iphone and I'm spelling capitalizing like a yank. It's going to be one of those posts. But we mustn't shun the new platforms when they come out we should welcome them with open arms to join the fold. Recently, Steven Gates (is he the apple man? It really doesn't matter) tried to prove that the Iphone was the shit because it had more games than the DS and the PSP.
By that reckoning the PC is then the best gaming device! Didn't think about that Gates did you, you lemon.
Anyway, much like the Nintendo DS, the Iphone does have a whole load of steaming shit available for it with the occasional warm gem hidden in the pat. Nobody is going to suggest that any of them are all time greats but here's a summary of the best presented in the tried and tested Top 10 tradition:
Top Ten Original Iphone Games.
There isn't a single original Iphone game. Every Iphone game is either a port, a clone or in the worst cases an adaptation of a mini game from another game proper. This is fact.
Top Ten Iphone Apps.
Apps sounds stupid. Then again so does Iphone. Iphone with a capital 'I' also looks stupid. Finding the top ten was difficult. In fact I couldn't find more than one. I may have made the top one up also. Here it is, it's called Icunt simulator 2013 and it is an app that turns your Iphone into a sign that says "I'm a massive cunt" every time you use the Iphone inappropriately. These instances include, but are not restricted to: showing people holiday photos in a pub or club, using twitter, messing around with trying to find that restaurant you were looking for for so long that phoning the restaurant for directions or asking somebody walking past or in fact just wandering around until you found it anyway would have been quicker, doing anything other than phoning somebody else. In all of these instances the Iphone would only display the aforementioned sign until it was put back into a pocket. If it is put into a special Iphone holder it continues to display the sign until the batteries run out.
Top Ten Iphone Games.
That Loco Roco clone, the Crash Bandicoot clone, the Mario Kart one, the bejewelled one, the one that is like that better version on the DS, that game that just displays the rude sign, the tower defense one, that one like that PlayStation block game that begins with a K, Kurushi!, is that ten yet? I can't even bring myself to count.
Overall score Because there is always a score. A-haven't-we-played-all-these-games-before-but-in-their-much-better-and-expanded-versions-buying-a-paint-tester-isn't-the-same-as-painting-the-house- 5/10. 3 of those points are for the fictional app game I made up/stole from a stand up comedian?

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Friday, June 20, 2008

Another hilarious spin on pokemon names

Taken from the site that took my idea for jillsammichs, and expanded it to include, Halo, Smash bros, pokemon and Orange box, instead of just Resident evil:

Yet another site that ripped us off: Halolz

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Monday, February 25, 2008

Tomato Juice and Black Umbrella

Rocco's modern life
Sup maniacs? We were at GDC and we've had precious little blogging time so here's a brief catch up in the form of a numbered list:

1) The Guiness World Records: Gamer's Edition is now out (already reduced by 33% in many shops) and it is worth picking up in the future when it is somewhere around the £5 mark. Packed with a lot of tenuous records and inaccuracies but it's worth ignoring the blindingly obvious mistakes (Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil 3 are not PlayStation2 games, why didn't anyone consult us?) to discover some lesser known gaming related gems. So for example, did you know that David Lynch directed the PS2 'Third Place' adverts? Or that the PSOne could connect to a number of Sony mobile phones? I don't know what they could do when they were connected but you could do it. In Japan.

2) Both myself and Richie have had our IPs banned from the Resident Evil Wiki for trying to add the articles "Jill Sammich" and "That Guy's A Maniac". Quite frankly a "Resident Evil wiki" without those articles is a misnomer. They don't even have an article on Akuma for christ's sake. So in facetious spite we looked at all 1843 articles on the REwiki over a gruelling two days and discovered 1223 and 1/2 mistakes and didn't correct them! Ha! Wiki that arseholes.
3) Despite claiming to quite like the Resident Evil Series neither of us had ever played the reportedly bad Resident Evil Outbreak.... until now that is! And yes. It's bad. Here's a brief list of things that are wrong: story is non canon :(, characters can make vocalisations that are pointless offline, way too many cutscenes (14 cutscenes on the first level, a level which takes about 14 minutes if you are fast so that's one cutscene per minute of gameplay! Must be a record Guiness!), AI characters are frankly arseholes and will run off or just refuse to follow commands despite getting mauled in the face and the dub on some of the cutscenes is completely different to the subtitles. This list is not comprehensive but all these issues do mount up and unfortunately bring the score down to 9/10: best game on the PS2. It could have been so much more though.

4) Someone needs to go to Tim Buckley's house and check that he's taking the proper meds. First there is this ridiculous I'm not too sure what it even is "storyline" that smacks a bit too much of Bouncer's Dream in Neighbours. Be it an early mid-life crisis or a bad break up, someone should check on Tim. You know, just in case.....

5) GDC was okay but as with every year, a bunch of Peter Molyneux's and Peter Molyneux himself were bigging up the "next big things in gaming" (online gaming apparently). I think they meant to say Brain Training 3, Halo 4 and shit like Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games. The sandwiches at GDC were really nice although next year some kind of sticker or flag to highlight which ones are fish, vegetarian or meat would save some valuable time.

6) After hunting 6 different high street shops I managed to pick up a copy of Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. It's a nice little game, a bit too easy perhaps but nice nonetheless despite being a bit non canon thus confusing the new kids who weren't there from the beginning. Nonetheless 10/10 best game on the Wii.

7) Following the purchase of RE:Outbreak I've been skimming a lot of FAQs recently and this is a formal public service notice to FAQ writers: There is no need for the sections: version history, author's notes, disclaimers, special thanks or game controls sections. No one ever reads that shit and no one cares if Jigglypuff12 helped you out on the section about where to take upskirt screenies. Just skip to the bits where you start giving up the information straight away if people can't work out the controls themselves then I doubt they can translate your broken english anyway and I imagine they are beyond help in the first place.

So that's what we've been up to campers, what sandwiches have you been avoiding recently?

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Friday, November 02, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich #4

Hey All,

Not that many Submissions this week. Just to remind you, all you need to to is find a picture (Google Image, Deviant-Art, Screenshot) then upload the picture to the Cheezburger Factory, add your own text, then send it into, and boom, It'll get uploaded.

For now, please enjoy these lates submitted Sammiches :D

Till Next Time


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Monday, October 29, 2007

Resident Evil: Wnakery

There comes a time in every blogs life, when all the rantings, drivel, and fantasies actually pay off!

You remember “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”, do you remember the feeling you felt when it was first coming out, when you though it was going to be everything “Final Fantasy: Advent Children” was?

Well it’s that time again except it not Squeenix its… CAPCOM, and instead of Final fantasy it’s


Now I know that Resident evil has not had the best track record at the cinema, with that pissy trilogy, of defiled characters, and tainted plotlines. But this time Sony (You better not pull a PS3 on this one, you fucks) and Capcom are copulating in the hope of conceiving a CG Movie. Of Resident evil proportions

Catch all the news here.

What we want to see in Biohazard: Degeneration or we will actually start to MDK people starting with whoever is the nearest. This is the definitive list any slight variation and it's curtains for everyone.

1) Jill, Chris, Claire, Rebecca, Leon, Barry, Wesker, Enricho, Joseph, Brad, Richard, Edward, Forest, Ken, Will Smith AKA Marvin, Joe Kendo, Kevin, Annette and Billy Birkin, Ada, Carlos, Brian Irons, Ben Bertolucci, Nicholai and the others, Mr X, The Nemesis, the Ashfords, Hunk, Tofu, female zombie, fat zombie, hunters, hunter gammas, lickers, Tyrant, Titan, Neptune, Cerberus, the white zombie from the first Resident Evil all the characters from outbreak including sub characters.

2) The whole film should be Canon and fit perfectly within the storyline of the games even though they conflict themselves. The one exception it that although Sherry Birkin looks exactly how she does in the game, we are told very explicitly from the start of the movie that she has just turned 16.

3) Ideally the film should be a number of days long and cover events from Resident Evil Zero all the way through to the End of Resident Evil 3.

STARS4) There will be Cameos from Dante, Chun Li, Ashley, Frank West, Morrigan, Regina and the alien from Under the Skin

5) About half way through the film there will be a scene where Hunk dances move for move to Rihanna's Umbrella. See here for more.

6) Bewbies, Jill bewbies, Claire bewbies, Ada bewbies, Nemesis bewbies, Dante Bewbies, Annette Bewbies, Alexia Bewbies, Zombie female Bewbies. And a bit of muff wouldnt go astray either. Assuming Capcom want to include the Canon game Resident evil: DS (douche simulator), they can perhaps prove once and for all that Zombie female does have Green and bloody douche Juice.

7) When you have watched the film once, you get to watch it again with alternative outfits.

8) The opening line of the film will be "That guy's a maniac. Why'd he bite me?". The film then flashes back to the beginning.

9) DVD extras will include:

A long overdue heartfelt thanks to TGAM, the blog that has been keeping Capcom's reputation in good stead since Resident Evil 4.

Cell by cell comparisons of Jill Valentine's biff and Sienna Guillory, proving CG to actually be better than RL.

Eliza's Story: how drugs and nymphomania got her cut from Resident evil 2 and replaced with the iconic Claire.

The Biohazard 4D film with 3D goggles.

Audio Commentary from the Nemesis and Marvin Branagh.

Special Audio Commentary from Dante, whilst receiving head from Richie.

10)The mansion should be the mansion from the original Resident Evil. Not the remake because that mansion confuses us and scares us because we are unfamiliar with it.

We're just so darn excited and we can't wait for our ideas to come to fruition. How excited you ask? Well Omastar was perplexed at the involuntery responses we had here at TGAM.

DISCLAIMER: If this turns out to be rumour then we will release the T-Virus without warning. Have your zombie plans ready people.

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich #3

Thanks again to all those Submissions this week, Enjoy:

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Friday, October 19, 2007

Icanhasjillsammich continues

Hey all!

I must say I'm flabbergasted as to the response "Icanhasjillsammich" thanks to everyone who has submitted artwork. Please keep them coming!

Here is a selection of some that we have recieved:


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Thursday, October 11, 2007

Nintendo are lieheads.

nice PHOTOSHOPMore Nintendo lies this month with this post over at the "Official" Smash Brothers Dojo. This site is so fake they can't even get the name of the game right. The real name is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Anyway we brought you the scoop on the real SSBB characters and stages two months ago (check it fool).

But! Whoever is behind the farcical Dojo site is fucking cruel. It's OK to goad the Fire Emblem geeks but picking on Sega fans is a crime against humanity. Don't build their hopes up. I can here the frantic bashing of keyboards already as they plan their Sonic Faninima's shot with SSBB to add to the steaming pile of Sonic Machinima that already exists.

Be advised Dojo webmaster, I'm emailing Google to get you taken off the listings. You've taken this joke too far now.

Whilst we are on the subject of shitty fan made crap, this following public notice is brought to you courtesy of our latest "if you can't beat em join em" tiresome parody of an already tired meme:

LOL Get it done AMV freak monkeys.

N.B Casual readers may have noticed the use of many 'hyperlinks' in this post. More than you are probably willing to click. However, our hyperlinks are sponsored by Children in Need. Everytime you click one of our links another Z-list celebrity will sign up for the hideous hammy shit that is the awful Children in Need event. Please click gratuitously and perhaps we can inspire at least some of the middle class to commit suicide when it is screened.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007


In response to icanhascheezburger thatguys is starting icanhasjillsammich... Find your favorite Resident evil Pictures, upload them to the icanhascheezburger factory add captions then email them to us:


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