The future of gaming interaction is here at last!

After the recent debate over the Wii, it is nice to see there is some real innovation and blue sky thinking out there. Finally, a new type of controller I can get behind!

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[Flopculture]

Nintendo supports cheating Cockbags

As if you needed more reasons to not play your Wii, here are 2 massive ones:

Ant and Dec

Fig. 1. Ant and Dec are playing Mario Kart, as you can see they are also making racist Asian faces, furthering their racist stereotyping, they are likely playing badly.

Fig. 2. Ant and Dec are amused that the DS has 2 screens.

Fig. 3. Ant and Dec playing with the Wii balance board, I couldn't think of anything funny here... Just observe their massive shiny foreheads and perhaps pretend they are making "NEEEEOOOW" Aeroplane noises 

For those of you who don't know (i.e. outside of the UK) Ant and Dec are a TV presenting duo lacking any sort of talent. They are huge corporate cash-ins who are involved in pretty much every reality show in some shape or form. There is very little spark of life left in their eyes, further likening them to a money driven automatons and I'm sure you can envision where you insert the cash.

Cheating Cockbags?

Yeah for some reason, possibly media spin, these two have been forgiven for some really shit behaviour on their TV contest shows:

    * selected competition finalists before the telephone lines were announced as closed.
    * staggered the selection of competition finalists which meant that viewers entering the competition did not have a fair and equal chance of winning.
    * selected finalists on the basis of their suitability to be on television and where they lived.
    * selected an individual already known to the production team to be placed on the shortlist of potential winners and who went on to win the competition.
    * on six occasions in the Prize Mountain competition, selected winners based on their suitability to be on screen.
    * failed to account for almost half of the competition entries.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

And despite their mass media charm, you know at the back of your head behind closed doors they are into some fucked up shit, like properly getting off on abusing people/things.

And Nintendo is in bed with them?!?!




On a lighter, prettier, better note!

Girls aloud are all doing it too, it's so cute! look at them, precious... Girls trying to play computer games*

Love and Corporate Whorism

Richie XX


*Actually I fully endorse using girls aloud to advertise, the girls are a remarkable step up from Ant and Dec and are a lot more real (but thankfully not Susan Boyle real). and despite my "Girls trying to play computer games" quip, I also have a feeling they'd kick my ass (at Rock band/Guitar hero). Let's get them doing more with the games industry!!! I'd dig that (naked).

DANGER: Women in games. Part 2: The Revenge

So it’s been a while since we last decided to tackle the ongoing issue of the fairer sex grasping at the Joystick of the games industry and giving it a good old tug. Last time we touched on this subject we talked about the industries efforts to entice the female market, the vacant “hotties” keeping the guys interested in the industry, and most importantly painstakingly rendered, gorgeously rendered 3D boobies. Almost two years have passed since that last post, has the industry changed? Well it was this article, brought to my attention by Kotaku, which flared my dismay at the industry/humanity. It reads like an open letter to the gaming community proclaiming that girl gamers should be taken down from their pedestal, claiming that an entire gender is still having a hard time in the industry/gaming because of horny adolescent boys.

I'm afraid that I have to go out on an attack on Dairuka, and perhaps TGN, this entire post was clearly written by a cuckolded-pantsu-sniffer with aspirations of being a knight in shining armour for the entire girl gamer community. I'm afraid his post does nothing positive for this sexism in gaming issue these girls are not delicate frail little flowers who are going to break down and just give up gaming. There will always be dicks online, they get fragged online they'll lash out at whatever they can, whether they are from somewhere else, speak different, or simply have a vagina. And regarding the gamer girls flaunting their goods in order to peddle the next over-hyped shooter to the 14-21 bracket, it's not like these girls are coerced, intimidated, forced to do it. It's naive and dare I say it, misogynistic, to think that they don't know what they are doing or the consequences of doing so.

But enough of this blogwarishness in the past year have we seen an improvement in the industry? Is there less sexism in games?

What recent releases have we had that promote those nasty body images, or those negative portrayals of men/women.

Name and shame time.

Fifa09:

My god... where to start, there is not one woman in this game. What are they trying to say? Are women not as good as men at football? Frankly I'm appalled, it even has character creation, with NO OPTION for the oestrogen side.

X-Blades:

As you can see it seems quite well rounded. She is clearly a strong confident women, her face clearly screams jailbait, and in a nice change of pace she is so thin you can see her ribs. Who on Earth could find fault with this little pedo-trap...

Me! Look! No camel toe! Disgraceful! Women should be proud of their labia this is clearly the wrong kind body vagina image to be promoting!

Bayonetta:

Ok so it is not out yet, but I heard there is a skill upgrade later in the game where she incorporates a queef into a combo, staggering the enemies not from disgust but just pure disappointment. Nobody wants to witness that.

Batman - Arkham Asylum:

Actually hats of to Eidos, proving that scantily clad hotties can be loonies too:

Harley Quinn

Pole dancing dominatrix/french-maid/nurse clown woman, Does it get much better? Well if you look at her skirt look there is blood on her crotch! Menstruation-tastic!

Poison Ivy

Veiny leafy green-camel-toe. wnak.

Wet:

Any game that has the gumption to at least even hint at the possibility of moist, glistening, vaginas gets a thumbs-up from me.

Resident Evil 5:

And of course we cant chat about sexist games without mentioning RE5. for some reason she cannot use the Gatling gun... What is she too frail? Though this just might end up being a race issue.

That's it for now, I could easily re-hash the old arguments of negative portrayals are not exclusive to women. How it is all just fantasy How, yes there are women out there that have big breasts, and its only less attractive and less well endowed women who have issue with this, mainly because they don't have the option to entice and manipulate men as the beautiful ones do. But I shan't, just check the previous post.

Signing out.

Richie XXX

Expanding the family tree!

Every now and then the internet helps us to find family members and lost friends. We rediscovered Miss Bea Havin from 90s game magazine Playstation Pro and we even found our sister. Our real sister not the one we made up . And today we may have found one of our cousins "droolingmaniac". We found him commenting on some bullshit post over at Game Daily? (Who? The site looks like IGN and reads like joystiq so were not even linking it). Anyway the article is about reviewers "seven deadly sins" but the author of the post forgets that writing a review isn't some kind of herculean task. Anyone can do it. Few can do it well. Our cousin, who we will refer to as "drool" put him in his place with this lovely comment:

"This piece of superficial nonsense doesn't inspire confidence in the gaming press. So much of it points to the author's inability to follow his own advice. He's conscious of some of his transgressions, but at the same time his own recommendations often display a sheer lack of judgment when it comes to evaluating the criteria he proposes. For example, in "Forgiveness," he suggests it's the job o*****ame reviewer to be "crotchety nit-pickers." In the very same paragraph, he writes that he finds the flaws in Grand Theft Auto IV to be "inconsequential and beneath mention," an absurd, defensive posture that's out of touch with the game's many, many shortcomings. He *forgave* a plethora of serious design flaws - clunky controls, save structure that forces boring repetition, and a broken cover system, among others - because of what? Because the game had an impressive depiction of a city? Because other aspects of the game were fun? Is his proposal that reviewers should nit-pick, but then reason that their own nit-picks are beneath mention? Why bother nit-picking if that's the case? Similarly, how can the author make a call for exciting, involving reviews with top-shelf writing quality when his own article is steeped in cliche and fluff? "Seven Deadly Sins of X" is . "Score like you mean it." "Afloat in a sea of hype." "Doses of PR and Internet enthusiasm in my bloodstream." "Life's too short to doubt your feelings." The author is alternately insultingly trite and hopelessly lacking in apt analogies. Can we expect an engaging review from this person? It's difficult to imagine. Is he representative of his peers' writing aptitudes? That remains to be seen, but I can't say that the majority of game reviews I read are any better. Even putting aside his poor use of writing as a form, his lack of logical support for his arguments is apalling. "Make your arguments and back them up," he demands of his fellow members of the gaming enthusiast press. Yet in the same article, he argues that someone giving a review that's "out of step" with the rest of the press means "so much more" precisely because they're in disagreement with the others. That argument has no logical basis. An opinion has no more meaning just because it's contrarian. The review scores would mean "so much more" if they dared to give the game a score it deserved when everyone else would not. Because they would have journalistic integrity. But the author explicitly states he doesn't care whether it's a review that's more honest than all the rest or one that's simply "a feeble grab for attention." The author is pounding his shoe on the table, calling for reviewers to go out and have an opinion. I have news for him. Having an opinion isn't going to rescue a profession full of gaming-man-children-turned-pseudo-journalists. Maybe someone out there should be calling for reviewers to have *honest* opinions. This one could take or leave the "honesty" part. Speaking of things that aren't going to save gaming journalism, there's nothing in this article that's going to repair its problems. How incredibly out of touch it is for the author to call for reviews that "tell a story" and aren't "totally thorough," and expect his article to be relevant. These aren't seven deadly sins of game reviews. Half of them are just things that make game journalists ****** writers. That's not the actual important problem with game journalists. The problem is that they review games like kids with game consoles instead of like professionals. What are their real deadly sins? Not actually studying journalism. Having no structural division between their department and their outfit's bizdev department. Accepting advertising money from the same industry they critique. Becoming "fans" of particular game franchises or companies and losing objectivity. Giving every new AAA title of the last 3 months a perfect score and believing that that shows they've evolved in their thinking and now finally recognize art and industrial revolution when they see it, while simultaneously failing to evaluate those titles on anything but the most superfluous level, and not taking them to task for their pacing, writing, or craft (GTA IV's story is predictable and hackneyed? Who cares? MGS4 constantly interrupts gameplay with insipid dialogue? Big deal!) the way a film critic would for his medium. Equating high production values with artistic substance. Being so completely clueless as to think that their industry's problem is a need for a bill of rights, or not using enough of the "universe of adjectives." There's your problem. How about you get together and get all that figured out. Start building up an industry of professionals instead of fans. Then you can take some extension school English classes."

Tl;dr but hey! He is family after all. Welcome to the clan drools.

Captain Falco Whoring Himself Out

Nintendo are allegedly very displeased.

Last post about this... Maybe

I dunno how may times I have mentioned this before... but, for those of you don't know, Rez on the PS2 came with a USB vibrating attachment. It was designed to "enhance" the gameplay of Rez, and not originally in a sexual way, apparently it was designed to create a synaesthesic experience... so that you could feel the music in your elbow or something.

Well anyway, with The new HD Rez game coming out on the 360 The question on everyone's lips is whether they can get-off in HD? Well... the answer is yes... Up to 3 joypads can be used as Trance vibrators! This can mean only one thing! Bluetooth vibrators, are round the corner!

Special Hugs,

Richie XXX

DANGER: Women in Games

Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays.

Girls have:

1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals.
2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc…
3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise?
4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way.
5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero).
6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate.
1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA
7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task.
8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play, but you know they will when they get a chance.
9. Not got the completionist chromosome.
10. Boobies.
11. They die later than men so they can get more play time out of games.

Not content with these things, it’s getting even more hyped-up as more and more girls within the industry are piping up. Recently we haven’t been able to surf anywhere without some comment about Jade Raymond, as post-adolescent boys blog about their unquestioning, unwavering, loyalty to Ubisoft. All in the vain hope that one day they could sup upon her crotch paté. Maybe now we can understand why Assassins Creed got such high scores? Yeah fair enough she supposedly helped in the creation of Assassins Creed, and it just so happens she is not that bad to look at. And on that note, we have Morgan Webb, who is bitching because she got to her position (as a host for some gaming thing no-one has heard of, Kudos Webb) based on her looks and not her game playing prowess (which she implies are more commendable). She actually makes some reasonable points about how her looks have got her ahead in the industry,

“Because boys like girls, straight up. Because Nerd #14 getting hired at Kotaku; not a story. Hot chick? Story. You talk to her about why they're a woman in the gaming industry. Guys all think, "Wow, wouldn't it be great if there were more? Even though she'd veto my triple-X busted woman that I want to put in this video game.”

Insightful no?

But to be honest I can’t really take her that seriously because her nipples are weirdly placed and point in different directions:


And for good measure I did a search for her on Flikr and found this rather flattering picture:


And it doesn’t stop there; all sorts of crazy online gamer-chicks are getting all pent-out-of shape about boobies. Exclaiming that Soulcalibur IV is disgraceful that the boobs are double the size of their heads, at this point I would like to point out, since you girls are new to this “gaming” thing that there is a HUGE difference between concept art and in-game graphics, so before you get your blood-ridden-ooze-encrusted panties in a twist, take a little time to compare the subtle differences between a drawing and a screenshot:

CONCEPT ART

SCREENSHOT

I won’t deny that she is well endowed, but guess what, there are women out there that have big boobs, it happens. And you know what… Guys will also be taken aback by them because big boobs appeal to us. It’s a primal thing part of the mammalian brain (not a pun on mammories or a joke, this is serious, boobs create a primal stirring, and if they are bigger/more noticeable then that stirring is more apparent.) But of course if you have issues you can always play as Cassandra (oh look at that, the game developer included someone with “normal” sized boobs, really sexist aren’t they).

Boobs and boob physics have been incorporated into most modern games such as Ninja Gaiden, Soulcalibur, Dead or alive, Tomb Raider (the new ones), Final Fantasy, Resident evil and even Guitar hero 3:

Pictured above: Judy Nails from Guitar hero 3, the boob physics incorporated here are not overly noticeable in game, however to get and example of it select Judy Nails as a character then proceed to the guitar selection screen, as you scroll through each guitar her boobs will shake slightly.

Now most people will argue that it is only women-with-small-boobs that have issue with big boobs in games, but then inevitably you get other women ranting on about the negative body image portrayal in games (these are usually just the ugly and/or fat women). Which is stupid on a number of levels, firstly games are based on fantasy there is no room in fantasy for ugly girls, bare in mind that they throwing fireballs, wielding giant swords etc. If the size of boobs is the only issue you have with the realism in the games then I would suggest a slight re-shuffle of your priorities. Secondly, returning to Soulcalibur as an example, considering that the girls are fighting and are quite athletic, agile etc. It would seem that they should be quite trim and in shape, some fat chick that doesn’t look after herself, wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m sorry but equal opportunities are out the window when you are playing as people that are in their prime, looked after themselves, train every day etc.

It’s not like you are gonna have a cripple in a wheelchair competing with Jin Kazama? Or a retard using his “Mong” attack on Jenova?

Feminism… Can I ask when the fuck did that become a good word? In my book most “ism” or “ists” are just other words for “collection of bastards”. I’m not a Masculinist, you don’t see me complaining that Kratos creates a negative body image, he makes guys want to go out and take Steroids.


It might be that fact that guys have been in the industry longer than girls, and we have a more mature standpoint than girls, but we know that it is a game, we know that we are never gonna be as buff as Ryu. Because it’s a game. It’s a game based on fantasy. It’s not real. If girls wanna grow up to be like Taki, remind them that anorexia is not the way, but working out is… Geez. You would think with the way all these chicks are banging on about it that girls minds are more fragile than boys. And because of that, guys have to suffer, this is not give or take, this is the industry, Girls you did not join the industry to change it, you joined it because you liked it. DON’T. FUCK. IT. UP.

Ugh.

Silent Hill continues to rock!

Silent hill origins came out last week.


But rather annoyingly only on the PSP. So we at that guys have scrambled around in our cupboard of freebies and dug out our PSP (still in its box), part of us was glad because there is actually a reason to use the PSP!

So we break out Silent Hill origins and start that bad boy up! And it is amazing! It follows the story of Travis, a truck driver. Who is getting caught up in the events preceding the original Silent Hill.

*Spoilers… Right up ye*
If you have played the “previous” silent hill games, you know that Alessa is Dahlias Kid, and that Alessa was burned alive, well the story takes place from this moment onwards. Dahlia, Dr Kaufmann, Lisa are all in it, but younger. Alessa is kicking about there to.


The Graphics are actually quite good, as with most PSP games (according to what I have heard) it’s a mix between PS1 and PS2 graphics, a sort of PS1.5 which is great because it is reminiscent of the original silent hill.

Gameplay is more of the same, constantly being freaked out by music, ammo, monsters, and health. More so than any other game I have played. Though they have added some quite innovative new things. Number one is that melee weapons are now only good for a few hits then they break, there are also single use weapons, like typewriters which you use to hit the enemy for massive damage.
Thatguys Score 8/10 (Highest/only score ever for a PSP game, all PSP reviews will be done using Silent Hill: Origins as a holotype for PSP games)

Laters,

Pushing the PC gaming boundaries

The BBC has this nice little article about how PCs are better at games than consoles or some such. I don't really know as I haven't fully read it as my attention span only lasts for a paragraph before I'm bored. But I got the gist.

All I do know is that whatever you may think about PCs, the people that play them are GEEKS. Nerdo-rama. They wear big rimmed glasses and have braces. They don't have sex either. They just beat off over video game characters who sex with other dead video game characters (see above Fahrenheit).

Some guy from Nvidia says:

"It's absolute nonsense to think that consoles are at the cutting edge,"

Yeah but only fucking nerds buy your shitty graphics cards and that clearly isn't enough. That's why you put those little leaflets in every single one of Future Publishing's console oriented magazines going on and on about how Nvidia is the future and good. BTW Nvidia, those leaflets are shit. Purely because PC games are mostly boring stuff about menu managment or Orcs. Don't believe me? If you were Nvidia and you made good graphics cards for PC games who would you have as your mascot? Some kind of three penised dragon with chainsaw guns on it's seven legs cutting up thousands of Triceratops-bats and there is blood everywhere and no matter how long you look you can always find something new to look at. The pained expression on a Triceratops-bat's face as it's guts spill out. The little dribbles of blood from the dragon tri-penis. NOT A FUCKING MERMAID I BET. If PCs are so great Nvidia, why do you pander to the geeky nerdbase users by rendering tits all the time?. Fucking idiots. If you are on a PC anyway, you are only ever two clicks away from photos of real or enhanced titty-bons.

Oh and another thing about PC gaming, imagine this: you buy a woman of the night and take her home you get yourself ready, lube to hand, and all of a sudden a guy pops out of your closet and says sorry you can't do that bird you just bought because your hardware isn't up to it. You can only do her after you've spent £200 on penis enhancements but even then you can only do her when she is looking ugly or if she is on the blob and spotty and even then only a for a bit because your hardware cannot cope with her at her hottest and she is getting increasingly hot. That wasn't actually a story that was an analogy. In the analogy the woman of the night is a computer game and the man's penis is his PC. For geeks that are reading this and are unfamiliar with my terms a woman looks like this:

You like it huh? Well imagine if you couldn't do her or her cantaloupe melon tits. That's what playing games on a PC is. Despite what Nvidia nerds may tell you through the BBC. Which is full of geeks anyway. Just buy a DS and the witch touching game if you are that desperate for tits. At least on the DS you can kind of touch them.

Fucking nerds and mermaids. Geeks.

Guitar Hero: Groupies [Results]

Tried the Line... and well, I was shot down :(

She in fact looked at me disapprovingly and stated that she was not interested because Guitar hero is no longer made by Harmonix.

Of all the ways I expected that line to go… I did not see that one coming.

Next time… I’ll use Rock band.

Guitar Hero: Groupies

The Giant Enemy Guitar Hero, recently made an observation that for Guitar Hero 3 to really pull its weight and recreate the rock star life style, then players must have groupies.

So the gauntlet was layed down, this weekend I have to brag about getting Guitar Hero 3 early to chicks, in the vein hope that they will swoon and perform sexual favours.

Update after the weekend.

Peace out.

Richie

That Guy's a Maniac: October '07

This Months maniac is nothing other than a girl… as if it wasn’t crazy enough that girls actually play video games... But check this shit:


Observe how she is holding the Joypad, upside down?!? And… get this… she was playing well. I’m sure we have all at some point tried to mess around with how we hold the joypad. For instance, thinking if we have two fingers pressing the Triangle, Square, circle and Ecks button, rather than one thumb, we might be able to perform better. But no matter what, our fingers will reset to the default position where the index finger hovers over R1, the middle finger hovers over R2 and the thumb sits over the right analogue stick. When/If I die I know for a fact my hands will automatically assume the PS2 position, if its an open casket, people will be able to slot a joypad in perfectly, I invite you all to attend and try it out.

Laters,

Richie-O