Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Street IV Update

Warning Gibberish:

Super Saiyan 3 Vegeta!!!


He's in the game and I'm a happy man.

Currently the game is set for a UK release on 23rd of October... I still highly doubt it...

Laters,

SS3 RichieXX

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

London Fashion Week vs E3

You would be forgiven for thinking this whole post was written so I could use this image. I assure you that it really really wasn't the case.
This is the first post in one of our signature 'series' that never had more than one post in it. You can find all the others (there aren't any and there never will be) under the tag of "Us vs them".

This Friday London Fashion Week um, it, well it comes to London? Although it doesn't really go anywhere else. London Fashion week will get miles and miles of column inches over the next couple of weeks from articles in those wanky glossy fashion magazines that look like future porn through to the columns written by plump middle class Bridget Jones wannabes who write for the Guardian.

Fashion is an okay thing for people to be interested in. Gaming not so much. Its fine to waste money on shoes, clothes and bags. Not fine to waste money on games. In an not so scholarly analysis we'll have a look to see why one interest is perceived as socially acceptable and the other as socially abhorrent by comparing two of the biggest events in each camps calendar. It's London Fashion Week vs. E3.

Where? LFW is all around London. Real people only really know where it is by the sudden appearance of garish marquees outside famous places. E3 is in Las Vegas which is in the state of California in the country of Florida.

Who? LFW Camp men and anyone remotely famous with/for a vagina. E3 Geeks and strippers.

What? LFW A chance for the world's top designers to show off new clothes whilst celebrities look at them. E3 A chance for the world's leading game developers to show their latest sequels off and to do some major dick swinging in the name of PR.

Why? LFW Nobody really knows why it happens or what exactly it is for. The clothes never make it to the high street because they are all totally unwearable. E3 Because for a few precious days all the worlds gaming blogs manage to keep concentration just long enough to cover the event.

Dress code LFW Anything that you wouldn't be able to walk around in broad daylight on the streets of London in without getting stabbed to death for being a homo. E3 Elf ears or magic the gathering T-shirts.

Guest List LFW Dita Von Teese, racist thug former super models, that woman on the TV who is the fit version of that other one who used to do T4, probably Madonna. E3 That guy who once hosted Saturday Night Live, one of the Brians from Kotaku and the fat cop from Heroes.

Highlights LFW Ugly skinny people dressing up like 80s tramps and walking down a runway and then walking back. E3 Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo blatantly lying about things, being recorded lying by over 40,000 different sources and getting away with it all anyway.

Behind the scenes LFW Skinny bohemians who dropped out of textile and design courses at university but who really really want to work in big fashion who are also good at sourcing the best coke. E3 Freelance geeks paid for by publishers who really really want to break into the game industry despite having no useful skills aside from have played a shit load of WoW and booth babes.

Real world impact LFW Literally none unless someone falls over then you'll see it years later in blooper shows. E3 For a couple of weeks the tiny percentage of people who play games and hang out on the web, a tiny subset of actual people who play games, get a bit excited.

Mass media coverageLFW Everyone will pitch in. It'll be all over the newspapers, LFW supplements in magazines, discussed in various TV culture shows and endless photographs of who is wearing what and who went to see which show. E3 Zero mass media coverage. A torrent of half truths, booth babe pictures rumours and lies will dominate the gaming blogosphere. If you are really lucky you'll find a live stream of the big talks on some obscure Finnish site you have to register for.

So that's that. And in true gamer style, in the only way we can express emotions to each other, the only way we can communicate complex ideas as enjoyers of digital entertainment here's the scores. LFW gets a passable 6.8/10, E3 gets a Ubisoft 2/10.

You've been wasting your time and we've been TGAM.

Czy1 1 XOXO

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Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Penny Arcade WTF

Apologies if this is not new news to everyone, but I just saw the creators of of Penny arcade, i.e. Gabe and Tycho.


This reminds me how horrible IRL can be in the games industry, nobody wants to see that.

As such this will be my farewell salute to Penny Arcade. It was fun while it lasted*, but it is now time for us to part ways


*i.e. keep you open in one if the firefox tabs, and read you when the boss is not looking.

Dismayed,

Richie X.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dear TGAM....

This is yet another first in a 'probably not going to get past two series of posts' series here at TGAM. It seems that a lot of people stumble upon TGAM by typing filthy questions into search engines. They then stay for an average of 00:00 to 00:01 seconds before going elsewhere, questions unanswered. It seems that nobody has heard of GAMEfaqs, fucking idiots. Well we're here to help you. An agony aunt for the depraved youth of today who don't know how to do searches properly.

So this will be a weekly surgery to answer those burning questions that many of you think we can't answer here at TGAM:




1)Every week about a thousand people look for Sheva Nude, Sheva's panties, nude, nude code, nude mods, naked, nude patch, naked cheat, Sheva's ass and combinations of all of the above. The full cheat is here but you're better off just creaming off a hot one over at deviant art.

2)List of dinosaur games. You can cobble together most of them by visiting here. But here's an abriged list of games that feature dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures in games. There are more but you'll have to find them yoursel'. 101 dino pets, Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing Wild World, Animal Crossing Let's Go to the City, Ape Escape, Batman Lego, BUZZ! JUNIOR DINO DEN, Carnivores, Carnivores 2, Carnivore Ice Age, Carnivores Cityscape, Clever Kids Dino Land, Combat of giants: Dinosaurs, Dino Hunter, Dino King, Dino Land, Dinotopia: The Sunstone Odyssey, Dino Master, Dino Stalker, Dinosaur park, Disney's Dinosaur x 3, DoA 4, Dinosaur World, Dorito's Dash to Destruction, Endless Ocean, Evil Dead Fistful of Boomstick, Fossil Fighter, Fossil League Dino Tournament Championship, GTA IV, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Jet Pack Brontosaurus, Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III DNA Factor, Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis, Jurassic Park Trespasser, Jurassic Park Dino Defender, Jurassic Realm, The Land Before Time: Into The Mysterious Beyond, Lost World: Jurassic Park, Off World Velociraptor Safari, Paraworld, Peter Jackson's King Kong the Official Game Of The Movie, Pokemon (various), Sea Monsters A prehistoric Adventure, Siphon Filter, Small Arms, Splashdown 2, Stranglehold, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Syberia, Syberia II, Tekken 2, Tekken 5, Tekken Tag Tournament, Tomb Raider 3, Tomb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, Turok Evolution, Turok (Xbox 360), Turok Rage Wars, Turok 2 Seeds of Evil, Top Trumps Dogs 'n' Dinosaurs, Warcraft III, War of the monsters, Warpath Jurassic Park, and Zoo Tycoon: Dinosaur digs.

3) CG Boobs.

4) Jill Valentine's Diseased Vagina: Image here

5) Coco Bandicoot porn comics. Seriously? Fucking furries. Okay here it is.

6) Dead Fantasy. FFS you stupid idiots. The guy's name is Monty Oum and the best place to find Dead Fantasy the guy or Dead Fantasy Full Versions is over on Monty's page on Game Trailers.

7) Dead Rising Where do you find the Wrestling Boots when you unlock them. They are under the staircase you first come down when you get off the chopper.

8) Does wearing beanies/hats make nits rare? No. Plus it makes you a cunt.

9) Forms of Rotom. You want here then.

10) How do you get masks on heads on zombies on dead rising wii. You have to shoot them in the knee so that they get into the coruched prone position then you'll be prompted to put cone/bucket/mask on them. Annoyingly, the further you get in the game upgrading your weapons means it's nigh impossible to do later on because even the pistol blows their legs clen off.

11) Film of 2 birds wanking guy. Congratulations, you failed to find porn on the internet. I think your problem is you are being way to colloquial and specific.

12) How to kill and dispose. Well the methods of killing are varied and scenario/environment related. Disposing of the body is harder. Don't just ditch it in a river because they always get found. Our favourite way of disposing of a body is to cover it in gloves and umbrellas and hey presto! Within a week you will have lost the body, gloves and umbrella.

13) How to command sheva on resident evil 5. She being a bit unruly? Well first of all you can read the fucking book and find out. Secondly, you need to use the d-pad for various commands, check with which button you need for Xbox 360/PS3 versions.

14) ibrate sex. Filth.

15) Modes of joining culture emo. Be middle class, wear black, whinge about things, listen to crap suicidal music, threaten to kill yourself but never do it, wear a lot of white make up, get some piercings, watch Donny Darko, type "emo forum" into web browser.

16) net yaroze zombie maze. You mean Ed Fedemeyer's Haunted Maze. It is the best game ever.

17) real life animal crossing tarantula attack. I was attacked by the animal crossing tarantula and the scorpion in real life many many times. They automatically attack you if you get too close with the net. Try finding them and getting the net out when you are far away. They should then walk slowly towards you and you can catch them before they get ya.

18) Resident evil rape. Nasty piece of work, but since you asked so nicely.

19) Who is the Ram Raider. Yeah, like it would be that easy. Here's a clue, who isn't the Ram Raider?

20) Soul calibur cum drawings. For drawings of characters cumming see here.. For drawings of characters where cum is used as a medium, see here.

Well sadly, that is all we've got time for now. We could spend all day doing this the stupidity and depravity of people seems to know no end. Apologies for all those people looking for Ayane, Jill, Sheva, Dante and Trish upskirts. We're saving that link for next week. There seems to be a healthy Wolverine nude community too but we are saving those for an all gay update at some point . Also, sorry we couldn't help all those people struggling on Agatha Christie's and then there were none (the universal embrocation is by the bee hives on the floor).

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Welcome Strangers


After years of attention seeking it finally happened. It's the fourth biggest day of our lives. We got a link on Kotaku after we sent a link to this post after Brian C (Big C we call him) didn't take to kindly to our latest tip. Tip 25 reposted here for your eyes only:

25. Rumours abound tips too

Handwashing and gargling? Seriously. Are you even trying over there? Here is a good tip for you though which might cause your stomach to erupt if handwashing floats your boat!

In the game 100 Classic Books for the Nintendo DS, the summer evening BGM makes a fine accompanyment to a quick read of the Hunchback of Notre Dame because, wait for it, it has bells tolling in the background. Share this tip carefully boyos.

He replied with "Hey how’d that happen? You’ve landed on my spam filter."

Then I shared the link to the post and it turns out he was a lie head because he then went on to share the link with the whole of Kotaku.

What happened next?

Then overnight we recieved an influx of Kotakuites (3662 to be exact) which brings our total visitor figures to TGAM up to 2461. Some of them were kind enough to leave comments here, which I wil now take time to respond to a la Soloman or Smith. Names have been changed because most of them pussies went anonymous.

Thumb it in said "Uh on the 24th tip, how bout not reading the day and night notes?Would help in the not being annoyed by them, wouldn't you say?"

Well Thumb it's not a problem since day note and night note seem to have mysteriously dissappeared following our glorious link.

Matthew wrote us an essay "SO WE WERE ALL IN JAPAN THE OTHER DAY AND WE WENT TO A JAPANESE PLACE AND AtE SOME JAPANESE FOOD AND IN JAPAN FOOD IS DIFFERENT THAN IN AMERICA AND IN JAPAN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TRADITIONS AND STUFF. buy my book".Wow that is great. It does seem that all I ever hear on Kotaku is about Japan if it comes out of that guy.I'll have to return to finish reading this when I have more time, but it's great so far.

and later

OK, it took me a little time to go through it all, but I have confirmed you are insane. Just give up, is one tip. The only tip I ever got posted was one about the Call of Duty 4 beta release. I've sent in cool stuff before of varying subjects (All related to gaming), but now that I understand how many emails they get, I can give them a little slack.I do like what you said here:. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my faceDon't bother with Second Life.I think the best tip you ever got is from Kotaku themselves (The link that is), so you're probably peeing yourself right now, congrats.

Thanks Matt although we gave up peeing ourselves when the cold weather settled in that nice warm feeling just doesn't stay warm long enough. Although, if we see a fire engine, who knows?

Leadbythenose said "What a waste of time, I wish kotaku hadn't linked me here." It's nice to see such frank honesty these days and glad to see that at least Lead got the joke unlike:

>9000 who helpfully pointed out that "Your tips are lame. seriously they are weak tips are supposed to be for information about new games not game guide help. and duh ashcraft lives in Japan I think he is going to be slightly japanese...." We feel so embarassed the whole time we thought we were being helpful! Thank god women like +900 are here to point these things out.

Hotnblack said: "Its easy to hate kotaku, I mean I know I do at times...but their coverage is too good to overlook. Every other game site/blog out there is just copy and pasting off their feed." Which is pretty much what we said in the post he had just commented on when we went:

"Kotaku is a gaming news site, probably the best one actually at least in terms of volume and frequency, not neccessarily consistency....... From here the escapist and then EDGE copy and paste all their news." But it might have been worth reiterating I guess.

Nothingbuthenews found a third use for his arsehole and said: "I totally agree, I wish I hadn't followed this link. This is what you do with your time and call news? Ugh." HE JUST CAN'T STAND THINGS WHICH PEOPLE SPEND THEIR TIME ON THAT ISN'T NEWS. Which is most things.

Slowbutsteady doesn't know his sister started her period. All he knows is that his Dad's dick taste funny once a month: "I, for one, very much like the Day and Night Notes." Then it's a shame they've gone now then [replaced by just Note but whatever].
RegIII resisted the debilitating FIV long enough to choose a poor turn of phrase to suggest he has tried email stalking men and masturbating, preffering the latter: "Seriously? This is how you waste your time? Here is a scorching hot tip for you...... jack off.... far better than email stalking guys."
Nicoffiend goes: "Congrats on wasting two years of your life attempting to get a rise out of someone you don't know and who couldn't give a rats ass about you." Dude. We took breaks.
What happened next
Thanks to our traffic tracking software we were able to follow the kotakuites. Well over 1000 of them then 'found' the CG Boobies tag. They then spent an average 30 seconds looking at the posts. The little quiz box on the right went up 5 votes for put my bum in his willy and 4 votes for put my willy in his bum. Sadly, RegIII died of the FIV. The world is a slightly better place. Then they all went back to Kotaku for some good old fashined naivity and some circle jerking. It'll take some time for the chip smell to go away though.
I never did say which email broke the will of the Big C. In fact for a guy who didn't notice he said this after the Second Life tip: "Does the hole, perchance, lead to your brain?".

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Resident Evil Degeneration: A review

This weekend we got a copy of Resident Evil Degeneration, the new CGI Resident Evil film. Despite watching the first ten second trailer a hundred times we managed to stay away from any kind of exposure of the film at all. After watching it, here are out thoughts on the film and exactly where capcom got it all exactly wrong everywhere. Warning: SPOILERS, although technically there has to be a plot in order for it to be spoiled at all.

What we wanted. You may remember this post (before all the Wow gayness) about our hopes and fears for the film that takes on the most precious game in the entire world, Resident Evil 2. Here was our wishlist:

1) Will Smith cast as the face of Marvin Branagh.
2) Zombie and/or Claire tits.
3) Herbs.
4) The line "That guy's a maniac, why'd he bite me?"
5) The exact same plot as Resident Evil 2. In fact don't spend money making a whole new film just record someone playing Resident Evil 2 and stick it on DVD that would be best.
6) A cameo from Dante.
7) A reference to Okami, Viewtiful Joe or at least We love golf.
8) An explanation of those other Resident Evil films like it was all just a dream or something.
9) The nemesis fighting 104 Hunters.
10) A bonus feature with
Hunk dancing to 'Umbrella'11) Taking all this stuff about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS [Jill being dead] back.

Suffice to say none of this made the film at all. Although there were no Claire/zombie tits there is a bit at the end which is pretty titilicious. In fact, I think Capcom just used the model from Tits Mcgee in Dead Rising. Almost makes up for lack of C/Z tits but not quite. For a while it looked like the film was going to have the exact same plot as Resident Evil 2 until the film 'goes all japanese', 'jumps the shark' and is just shit. In fact here is the film in dead rising text size graph form.

Graph them shits. Excel, still the best PC game

The film starts off not very exciting at all with the tired old format of using fake news clips to fill in the blanks between Resident Evil 2 and 4 and present day. Then there's an airport and Claire and some kind of fake ethnic Sherry Birkin. Then umm zombies appear from nowhere. Literally, from nowhere. And then a plane full of zombies arrives. The airport gets all zombied up. Turns out Claire, fako Sherry and fako Brian Irons make it to some kind of safe room. Then ah, Leon gets sent in to rescue the survivors and is joined by newbie titsmcgee and zombie fodder Greg or Griggs or something.

Then there is some zombie shooting and the reunion of Leon and Claire (complete with the RE2 'get down' scene). The reunion is completely downplayed depsite the fact they could have had us crying tears of blood if they'd dealt with it properly. Essentially Leon kinda says "Oh hi" and that's it. Then there is some running and shooting and then you should turn the film off and pretend it was just a cutscene they forgot to put into RE2.

Unfortunately, I stuck with it. They get out of the airport and Claire, Tits, Leon, and Brian Irons meet fako Billy Birkin. Fortunately, ethnic Sherry dissapears so Claire can do more than hang around protecting her.

Then theres some talking and the T-virus and some vaccine and it turns out Brian Irons and fako Birkin are the good guys. Then there's an explosion and all the vaccine is destroyed and it turns out that it's all terrorism or something and the guy probably responsible is none other than tits' brother Curtis!

Then weirdness happens and Claire jumps in a car with fako Birkin. Leon and Tits decide to go to the Mcgee family home to find her brother despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in four years. Fortunately, the Mcgee family home seems to be quite near the airport.

Claire and Birkin go to some fako Umbrella facility which seems to be lacking in security and also quite near the airport. Birkin hits on Claire a bit, tells her they have the G-virus at new umbrella and then Claire phones Leon just as the building blows up with Claire inside and it's allegedly Curtis Mcgees' fault.

Meanwhile Leon and Tits go to chateau Mcgee to find it's been burned down by Curtis. Fortunately, despite the fire a family photo manages to escape the blaze and lay in wait in the exact spot Tits falls to her knees crying. She picks it up and gives us Curtis' utterly predictable sob story. Leon and Tits then just hang out for a bit not doing much. They then watch the airport burning until Leon gets Claire's call.

Seconds, minutes, hours or even days later Leon and Tits arrive at new Umbrella and split up to find Claire or to do something. Leon finds Claire and tells her to escape which she nearly does. In one sequence Zombies appear for no reason whatsoever outside a lift. We suspect it's so that some action happens because it's been talking a lot recently.

Tits finds her brother and for no reason anyone on this earth can work out he has injected himself with the G-virus and turns into a lanky William Birkin. The mysterious squad of troops for no reason appear from nowhere on nobody's orders and start to shoot him for no reason. Fako G-virus Billy Birkin takes most of them out before Leon turns up and kills him about a hundred times but never conclusively. Then Leon and Tits fall into some water and kiss for no reason. Meanwhile, Claire didn't escape she just went to the control room and for no reason decompresses the building, the only result being the roof goes a bit saggy.

After a million times burying him with rubble, knifing his eye-arm, blowing him up with flames and dropping him in a bottomless pit Leon and Tits finally kill fako g-virus Birkin (after the obvious brother-sister drama and the reappearence of coincidence family photo) and then Leon and Tits hold hands (mega gay and what about Claire? Disgusting).

Then they work out that non-g-virus Birkin was behind it all and using unseen detective powers they manage to find him on a cliff just as he arranges to sell the T-virus and G-virus to some guy from Ghana. Justice.

Then in the morning, Leon and Claire decide to not change clothes but Tits decideds to change into a dress to show everyone why she is called Tits. She also lets her hair down. Leon, Claire and Tits then stand on a Cliff looking at the fako new umbrella facility, complete with deflated roof and say some stuff.

Tits then flirts with Leon IN CLAIRE'S FUCKING FACE and then Leon and Claire walk off. Leon gets in a helicopter and Claire gets in a Limo with fako ethnic Sherry and fako Sherry's aunt. They don't kiss or cry they just kinda say "see you later" and it sucks. Again, could have been crying like a depressed girl with allergies in the height of summer just after her fiance left her at her whole family's funeral. Alas was not to happen.

Later we see the new new umbrella cleanup team (from Resident Evil 5) find a bit of the new fako Billy Birkin and put it in a box. Cue credits.

I wish the above description was exaggerated or made up by a bitter fanboy like myself but no. That's the film. The one consolidation is the blooper reel on the DVD but by the time you've watched the film it isn't enough to get the FEELING THAT ME AND MY MORON FRIENDS COULD HAVE WRITTEN AND SHOT A MUCH BETTER FILM THAT AT LEAST MADE SENSE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

There is no Capcom as far as we are concerned.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Gender issues in Games

So it seems from my all important viewpoint that a whole bunch of losers insist about worrying about gender in games the whole frickin time. "All girl characters in games just look hot or cry except when they are big and fat". And someone will whinge about it if they are all, any or either of the above. So what? Get over it. Male characters have a raw deal in games. So there. All genders get a raw deal when depicted in games. But that's no surprise the same is true in children's drawings, advertising and every other medium ever. Street signs have better narratives than most games the only good thing games have is shiny graphics and a distraction from daily life or news of stabbings, economic crash, climate change. Do not look to games as a fulcrum in your hack paper on gender in games. I mean you Terra Nova.

No. The losers mentioned above use their internet moaning like a horde of "liberal" zombies to skirt around the real gender issue in games. This my friends is the big one. The meat of the sandwich. Is Jigglypuff from Super Smash Brothers a girl? That my friends is the killer question.
DEFINITELY NOT A GIRLOriginally, I thought no. Sure he is cute as a button but not a girl right? There is something not very girlish about him. Definitely a boy.

Boy with a girlish hatBut then he does have this hat. It is a girly hat. 7/10 to be sure but then maybe Jigglypuff is just a trendy boy which pretty much gives you free reign to wear a girls hat, hell you can even get away with girl hair too (it doesn't work the other way round though, girls with boy hair look like those freaky bald cats).

My theory is in jeopardyThen there is this hat. This hat is more like 8.5 girly. But perhaps its just a ruse so the other competitors don't hit him to hard with a baseball bat or eat him huh? Yeah. A ruse by the 'puff no doubt and you all fell for it. Losers.

FudgeYeah so what. Don't tell me you have never worn a cocktail flower umbrella thing on your head and tried to seduce Kirby? You liar. You unscrupulous liar destined for the lowest level of hell. Or highest. Or the worsest one wherever that may be.

Myth Busted! Proved by the use of science and screenshots from here reproduced here under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License. However, with gender issues in games now solved it does mean that I have some pretty homoerotic screenshots on my SD card to get rid of.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ummm

This rather creepy, Something Awful did a generic gamer guy skit:



It is worrying how similar this is to myself and Cunzy, putting the OTT homoeroticism to one side of course.

Hearty Masculine Handshake,

Richie

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TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 44

Yes it's Resident Evil Gaiden for the GameBoy Color. Color should have a "u" in it.

Leon goes to special school

We've never played it, even though it's ten pounds from amazon. We probably won't either because the GBA is no doubt some kind of corroded battery affair by now. We're also opposed to it because it is called "Gaiden". Which sounds a lot like gay den.

Resident evil gay den: After the events of resident evil 1 & 2 Barry and Leon are hanging out at their secret tree house base. After Claire goes to Europe to find her brother, the boys discover through a friendly game of spin the bottle that Leon and Barry may be more than just friends. Play as Barry or Leo in in this exciting adventure for the GameBoy color. Choose the right time to come out to Rebecca. Berate Barry for always going on about Chris as if he is in love with him or something jesus Barry if you love him so much why don't you go to Europe to find him. Tell Leon cunning lies about Ada Wong in order to keep him the right side of the fence......

All we know is that Resident Evil purists worry that Gaiden isn't strictly "canon" but anyone worrying about a story with zombies on a boat being canon or not canon deserves to be purged from the internet and indeed the wider world. GIVE WIKIPEDIA BACK PURISTS.

List so far, so good:

45: Final Fantasy VIII
46: Resident Evil Genesis
47: Dino Crisis 3
48: Dead Rising
49: Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1
50: Biohazard 4D Executer

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

LET'S GO A MILKING!*

Let's milk the cash cow till only blood comes out. Milk it like a polaroid picture. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it.












*We're still gonna buy it like a bunch of kidulthood fags.

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Quick Question...

“Hey Richie, you know how you were bigging up Devil may cry 4, and even managed to get it early? How come you only have 3 Cheevements and are only at mission 8?”

Good question.

And to be honest it’s a culmination of many things:

Firstly my X-box was constantly Dirty Disking the game, I was getting 15 mins of playtime, and was reduced to saving after each red orb. This has now been rectified as I have upgraded to an X-box elite.

Secondly Katamari has been a big hit, don’t get me wrong I still <3 Dante, but that Katamari rolling game is stupidly fun to play as each level is timed, most of them being around 2 mins. As such I got 450 cheevements from some “casual” gaming.

And lastly*… and the main point of my post. I think I approached Devil may cry from completely the wrong angle, I found myself desperately struggling to work out the most efficient achievement based route through the game, trying to make my first playthrough as fruitful as possible… Gamerscore-whore. I’m far from an epic gamerscore partly because I haven’t really been bothered, I have been playing the games for playing’s sake. E.g. I cant be arsed going through Easy/Medium modes on Guitar hero if I can do the hard/expert modes (FYI Activision, you should sort that out, if you complete a career on Hard you should totally get the easy/medium cheevos!). Also I have only bought a few games, i.e. ones I want to play, I’m not sure I can condone playing King Kong just to get the 1000 gamerscore at the end. waste of time methinks. Anyways right now devil may cry is on hiatus, until I come to a point where I wanna play the game to play the game.
For fucks sake! Anyone else been afflicted with gamerscorewhoreitis?

*Oh yeah also I have a Lvl 70 troll hunter on EU Tarren Mill. My guild is actually now in the process of recruiting drop me a mail (richie[at]thatguys.co.uk) if you would like to join in…

Laters…

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Incontinent Gay Nonces

Yes, those perverts at IGN, spurred on by creative juices and out of the box thinking are doing another Top 100. Let's hope they are doing the list by the rules. Let's check:

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. FAILED. Number 78 is Link's Awakening. I suspect the top 30 will be littered with metroids and zeldas. Come on IGN sort it out.

2)When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. PASS! Number 70 is Tecmo Bowl for the GB and NES. Yes, that's right it is better than Wipeout, Goldeneye, Quake 2 and the original Resident Evil.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. FAIL. They've gone for some other shit like Syndicate, Mech Warrior 2 and planetscape:Torment. Selling out.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. PASS. Hello! ICO.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list.PASS. Final Fantasy II is at 55. I suspect VI will be up there. VII by contrast is at 76.

6) If you are American, inexplicably put Madden at the top of your list. If you are English do the same with Championship Manager. TBC. Tricky to judge as they are only at 50 at the moment. However, Tecmo bowl and NHL 94 are already on the list. I suspect Madden will be high. Probably not top. Hopefully not top.

7) If you are talking about a game series always include the one before the most recent one released. PASS. There are a whole bunch of silly sequels and prequels there. Also, games released before December 2006 are not covered by this top 100 for "perspective". Fuck off you idle cunts. Pricks.

8) Lightly sprinkle your lists with only-in-Japan releases. FAIL. So far so good. But I suspect it's because IGN Australia are co authors of the list and they are all racist cunts.

9) Somehow, manage to put Killer7 on your list. FAIL. There's still scope for it yet though.

10) Put WoW on the list, unfairly much higher than Everquest even though both are worse than EVE Online which you should never have on your list in the first place. PASS. It's number 83 which should piss some people off.

So far IGN has 5/10 neccessary ingredients and conveniently they are halfway through the list. Lets see if they can get 10 and prove to us that they are the assholes we know them all to be. Not wanting to be beaten by the retards over at IGN. I pulled this "top ten" out of my arse this morning. It's entirely arbitary, contributes nothing to the greater world at large. The difference is that I KNOW THIS. I don't think IGN do.

Cunzy1 1's Top Ten Non lethal Weapons in Video Games.

Smoke

10) Smoke Grenade Gears of War. Yes ultimately pointless. Often forgotten but used almost exclusively for the shame value of getting smoked just before you get executed. We love it.

9) Pants Vacuum Ape Escape 2001. Yes. The objective was to vacuum the pants off the naughty apes and put them in the washing machine. Winner.

8) "Paintbrush". Goldeneye. Despite many many hours of trying, this author could never get this to work. Don't pick up any other weapons or ammo. Pick up the sniper rifle and tap A twice. Then James would wield what was apparently a painbrush but was actually his arm on the wrong way around. According to the internet. You could actually do damage with it though but I wanted it on the list to show how L337 I am because I know obscure shit about a really popular game.

7) Persuadatron. Syndicate. Like Pikmin but with uzis.

6) Riot Shield. Red Faction. Well. You could do damage with it but fuck you. This is my list.

6a) Prod. Worms. Yes the ultimate in shame. Prodded off a cliff to death. Difficult to pull off though without messing it up.

5) 103 Pound Mightfish. World of Warcraft. See here for the low down.

4) Maeda's Gun. Parasite Eve. This gun did little to no damage for most of the game. On the 6th day though it kicked ass!

3) Oil Spill. Every Karting game ever. The little fella you drop to make karts behind you wobble a bit. It's true. Not really top ten material.

HA! Want head?2) Head Masks Dead Rising. Coming in a variety of flavours, Frank could whack these on the heads of zombies rendering them both comical and useless.

1) Fire Extinguisher. Timesplitters. Yes the winner by far. The fire extinguisher was of little to no use, unless you were on fire, which was rarely. Great.

See. Pow!

That Guy's A Maniac: Helping to fill the internet with pointless shit.

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Giant DINOSAUR enemy Guitar Hero Speaks Yet Again: Assasin's Creed review

Hi guys, hi. Does anyone know of a nude patch for Halo? I'm not gay of nuffin. Just akskin.Hi kids. Part three of our fanboys rantings after this inspiring post by Richie!. Here is part one and two.

Chuff_72: There are no interiors in the game (well there are a couple but essentially all the buildings are just pretty boxes - there is also no interaction, you can't remove a plank bridge to stop people following you for example.)

Mysterio: OMFG! THIS GAME IS SHIT - ALTAIR IS A HUMAN CHARACTER, WHY CAN’T HE REMOVE HIS ROBES AND MASTERBATE??!!!!???!!!111

Cunzy1 1: Because that would be gay and you'd probably like it and spend all your time in toilet cubicles getting rimmed and thus not buying more over hyped games.

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Saturday, November 17, 2007

That Guy's Are The Worst Wedding Guests

Last week, Richie and I travelled to snowy Estonia for the wedding of our old friend Randy McSporran. Suffice to say the event was chaotic and it's probably a good thing that Cunzy and Richie are normally seperated by several hundred miles. Memory is still a bit hazy but here is the summary;

Stansted at midnight, vodka, coke, Pokemon Diamond, smking, checking-in, vodka and red bull at 3 in the morning, legendary battle, Ponyta, Omastar, Focus Band, Cunzy afraid of flying, airport dimensia, immaturity, Doug and Liz, Easy Jet, flying, landing, Randy and Ollie, new friends, sniffer dogs, bus, 'fit' or 'fat', hotel, mini bar, spluff on beds, snooker, MacDonalds, Kat, supermarket, Seaman's shot, Absinthe, Dark Dog, cheese waffles, Kent fags, drinking, raging, stupid cocktail, some other liquer, mixers, bull pish, more absinthe, Richie vomit, pub, Pokemon talk, stag night, kissing men, fighting, beer, Richie wiping things of his shoe onto a girl, strip club, lots of money spent, private dance, arguing with Tom, Randy showing us the venue for the wedding at stupid o clock in the morning, Cunzy vomit, phoning girlfriend, girlfriend laughing, dropping my phone in the toilet, sleep, MISSING THE CEREMONY, shame, hangover, champagne, smoking, medieval restaurant, elk, bear, wild boar, salmon, spicy lentils, wine, more smoking, memory card for sale, alcoholic homeless man, barmaids, singing, speeches, rose pudding, bit drunk again, no money, reception, champagne, vodka, beer, bubbles, bubbles in Chris's beer, smoking, Mulan first dance, vodka, dancing, kidnap, arguing, drinking, Will in the bogs, shouting, kidnap of bride, vodka, singing Wet wet wet, return of the bride, chicken wings, cake, heroin addicts, evolution, pokemon theme tune, no PQT :(, dancing, smoking, dancing, drinking, message book, not racist limmerick, bride dancing in underwear, Richie no top, Doug no top, no tops hugging, smoking, dancing, Richie finishing tab, bad mood Richie, crazy barmaids, horrible jaded, jealous little man, horrible jaded medium sized man, wake up in time, taxi, airport, airport, immature, Jpod, plane, water, Family guy, half an episode, UK, smoking, home, tired, tired, liver failure?

Overall it was great but team TGAM only have another two weddings in us before we die of alcohol abuse so if you want us at your wedding book early. Also, there's every chance that we won't make the ceremony.

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Monday, November 05, 2007

Homophobes

Although we all try our best to be inclusive, some gaming websites just can't handle the gays or women. Imagine my disgust at seeing this this morning:

:( For those of you who can't read or don't want to click the above image, essentially I was banned from Kotaku before I'd even had a chance to shine. For those of you who don't know it, Kotaku is a website on the internet that has lots of news about games, it's what Joystiq is trying to be . It was going to be the platform from which we launched BRAND TGAM!

But it's ok, I won't cry too hard because as fate would have it I already voted for one of the co-editors, Brian Ashcraft as Games Writer Twat of 2007 in the RAM RAIDER Awards 2007. How do you like that Brian? Imagine the dissapointment on the spunk filled rubber faces of your "family" when they hear you won that award from the only decent, respectable, industry recognised games award ceremony.

Unfortunately, I think I reffered to him as Brian Bashcraft but I'm sure RAM RAIDER can work it out.

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Stupid Fucking Site More Like

So everyone on the internet likes to whinge but there is nothing worse than a loser and a not so loser that like to whinge about their shitty job, online, whilst they work at their shitty job.

Go here to read this big bag 'o' shite.



Here are the problems with the website "I'm a stupid customer service nerd" in a numbered list:



1) They whinge all the time about how crappy their job is yet never do anything about it like skim people's credit cards or leave the store unlocked on purpose.

2) It's as if they haven't seen Clerks or understand that they just come off as whiney nerds. Everyone has worked shit jobs but most of us managed to move on with our lives.

3) The woman (Mario Mark) almost never talks about women's issues such as periods, pregnancy boobs or grief online. Get with it bird.

4) They so desperately want to be UK:Resistance that they write about it in the comments all the time and steal their posts and spend most of the day in the work toilets furiously masturbating over a fantasy email from Zorg. It's never going to happen losers.

5) They pretend to be men on the internet. That is so early 90s. You can practically smell rag juice on each and every post. The smell is worse around the 24th of the month.

6) One of them, the gay one, pretends that 'he' has a girlfriend. Sometimes 'he' pretends they are married.

7) Most of the comments are between the blog writers. SAD.

8) Phorenzik has pretended to give up smoking for 10 days. We all know you have had a secret packet and have smoked at least twice every day.

9) They take photos of each other and then give them nicknames like "Smells of piss sandles man" and pretend they are customers.

10) They hide behind fake names and identities which is so weak. They won't even reveal which store they work in in case the manager finds out they've been clam-kissing behind the counter and closing the shop for twenty minutes.

11) Their website looks shit. White writing on a black background is the colours paedos use to groom underage dogs.

12) They are rubbish at games but pretend they are good.

13) They post fake interviews with celebrities. Gheeeeeeey.

14) Mario Mark is in love with phorenzik but phorenzik is assexual and really enjoys poetry.



Get a life guys and get off the internets. Boo hoo your life is rubbish and only the other spods from UK:Resistance pay attention to your depserate cries for help. Do the world a favour ladies, have one last double douche in the bath then slit each others wrists using a Wiimote. Then when you both realise that it wasn't that bad phone the ambulance and cry down the phone. I bet the only person to miss you would be your manager but only after a month when he realises that the counter has stopped smelling of fresh squadge.



Noogins.



Cunzy1 1 and Richie

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Friday, March 23, 2007

That Guy's A Hypocrite

Yeah. Yeah we're hypocrites. Not so long ago we used to call the Xbox 360 the Gaybox 360 (back in our homophobic days but, like all my friends are gay so whatever) and we used to call the Wii the StupidNintendoNoReleasesInEurope-Machine. We still call the Wii the StupidNintendoNoReleasesInEurope-Machine but that's besides the point. Now we are widely perceived by the mass readership as Sony-haters. Well, Mr. I don't particularly like or hate Sony in the same way that I don't love or hate Rowntrees, Oxo or YKK (the zip brand. I fucking hate YKK as a first name and I hate people who call zips, zippers).

Anyway,here we cum buckets for Sony and this is why:

1) Timesplitters and Timesplitters 2. (Yeah but the GameCube..NOPE)
2) GTA (Yeah but the Xbox...FUCK OFF)

Here is TEN reasons why you should buy a PS3, right now:
1) Because you are a bender (robot not rear gunner).
2) To go down in history as the 5th person to buy a PS3 in the world.
3) To prop up your TV.
4) To tie to someone's leg so they sink properly.
5) To live in.
6) To keep your PS2, DvD player and old multitaps in use.
7) To piss off hippies.
8) To make PC owners unhappy.
9) As an easy way to go bankrupt.
10) To play NHL2K7.

I could go on but I daren't.

In other news:

Yeah! Smilodons. Nothing to do with the post whatsoever
  • Nintendo announce negative 20 more games for the Wii bringing the total number of games up to -2.
    Another Pinball Game, Poor Man's Brain Age and a Bomberman Game released for the DS.
  • Richie in shock 4 post bonanza. Scientists 'clueless'.
  • Ms. Bea Havin from 1990s Playstation Pro Magazine gets more than her two usual commentors on a post! Meanwhile TGAM readership soars to almost double figures!
  • Hellbound Angels announced officially as missing presumed AFK. Although we had our differences I'll miss Jenny, Tara and Kevin. May you RP in Heaven.
  • Cunzy1 1 still playing Paraworld and taking screenshots and inserting them indiscriminantly into TGAM posts whilst shamelessly advertising his own half completed Dinosaur in Games Blog.

Wow! With all this exciting news, Sony chose a really bad day to launch.

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Zucht....

Yesterday, Long Time TGAM Commentor and occassional guest writer Chuff_72
said:
"OH SIIIICCCKKKKKKK someone on this blog is planning on getting ALL the games with dinos in... try and guess who everybody. Anyways, that means he/she is gonna have to buy Splashdown 2! There's even a dino on the back of the frikin box! SIIICCCKKKKKKK!!!!"
and
"SSSSIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! I forgot John Woo Presents Stranglehold, not only dinos but in a FRIKIN MUSEUM!!!!! Another reason to get a 360...Homophobe for dinosaurs."

It's true readers. I'm giving up on trying to collect all the games I would like in my games collection. The sad truth is I just don't have time to play them all and I know that one day soon I'm going to lose a cable, lead or accessory which means some of my old consoles are going to have to be put down. For good. Nothing but museum pieces.

Until then I'm going to try to get every game that has featured dinosaurs (real dinosaurs, sorry Yoshi, Bub & Bob) and then beat that game. As Chuff_72 rightly points out though there are stacks of games that feature dinosaurs and some of them are near impossible to get anymore. Jurassic Park III DNA Factor anyone?. In fact I'm not sure half of them were ever on general release. They certainly weren't in game.

Anyway, Chuff_72 was right about both Stranglehold and Splashdown 2. Thanks to IGN for this picture
Prediction. Looks nice, plays nice 6.5/10?
Maybe I was wrong about you IGN? Anyway Stranglehold looking sexy on the left here.

Am I really going to have to get this? YES YES I AM!
Splashdown, something something looking a bit PS3 on the left here, from the wonderful Gamespot.
I can see this is going to be a very expensive endeavour...........
What about you reader? Do you want to completely over-obsess about something in games? You might as well because there is nothing else out on the radar at the moment. Does anyone remember something about next-gen consoles? I heard that one of them was coming out soonish? Ohhh what about the DS? That used to be a good platform. Or the PSP? Is that still on sale near you?


Next Week on That Guy's a Maniac, World's Second Best Videogame Blog....
Richie "I'm a co-author" Posts about something other than non dinosaurs??? Could it be? Stay connected to find out.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Paraworld

I've noticed our site has had a massive increase in readers in recent days. Massive. I've also received a lot of complaints regarding the in jokey nature of the site so a bit of back story may be needed for those new readers. In which case, read the archives and come back.

For everyone else (Chuff_72). Why did nobody tell me about this? What kind of readers are you? You're supposed to be the World's Second Best Video Game Blog Readers. Shame on all of you. Watch this
It's perhaps the greatest concept for a game in the world ever and we should all be buying things like this right now. Don't hesitate. We need to support the dinosaur based video games industry. If we had to be the Official Nintendo Magazine we'd say it looks like a cross between Dino Riders, Warcraft II and Grand Theft Auto London. Okay so Gamespot gives it a less than average 6. But look at it! Amazing and it's educational, Boris Johnson, because it has dinosaurs, vikings and ninjas.

Personally ninjas don't interest me. A lot of people talk of pirates or ninjas but it's a lazy way of pretending to be wacky by keep going on about it. Also, condoning rape (pirates) and murder (ninjas) is a great way to get yourself raped or murdered. Think about that next time you ask someone "Pirates or Ninjas?".

Meanwhile I'm thinking about Paraworld, specifically:
Achelousaurus
Allosaurus
Ankylosaurus
Apatosaurus
Archaeopteryx
Baryonyx
Bothriolepis
Brachiosaurus
Carcharodontosaurus
Carnotaurus
Corythosaurus
Deinonychus
Dilophosaurus
Diplodocus
Dunkleosteus
Eusmilus
Gallimimus
Henodus
Iguanodon
Kentrosaurus
Kronosaurus
Lambeosaurus
Macroclemys
Maiasaura
Mammoth
Megaloceros
Muraenosaurus
Ornithocheirus
Oviraptor
Panoplosaurus
Parasaurolophus
Pentaceratops
Placochelys
Polacanthus
Psittacosaurus
Pteranodon
Quetzalcoatlus
Saltasaurus
Smilodon
Sordes
Spinosaur
Stegosaurus
Stygimoloch
Styracosaurus
Triceratops
Tyrannosaurus Rex
Velociraptor
Wild boar
Woolly rhino

From Wikipedia of course. But what a list! This is what more games need. The DoA guys knew it too. They were sitting around thinking "what would make our game about titties better, more educational and popular?". They came up with this and it went to be the greatest selling game of all time.

To read more top quality articles about dinosaurs in games go here:
Dinosaurs in Games, Dinosaurs in Art, Next Gen Dinosaurs.

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