ONM Reader's Game of the Year

In this month's Official Nintendo Magazine the paedo and the three five year olds are asking for readers to vote for their games of the year in various categories. I tried to find a weblink for this activity but alas! The ONM website SUCKS. Properly SUCKS. Okay. It's all here apparently.

Anyway the point of this post is that I have only played one game in all those shortlisted in all seven categories (obviously, not including Most Anticipated). The only game I have played is Dead Rising: Chop Til' You Drop which is nominated for biggest let down. Which, isn't fair. It is purely misunderstood.

Where do you people get the time to buy and play all these games? I'm a fan of gaming, a fan of Nintendo with a bit of disposable income and I haven't played a single game highly rated from the last year!? Where do the kidz get all the money?

How many have you played TGAM reader(s)?

Total Cunts

Total.

Resident Evil Degeneration: A review

This weekend we got a copy of Resident Evil Degeneration, the new CGI Resident Evil film. Despite watching the first ten second trailer a hundred times we managed to stay away from any kind of exposure of the film at all. After watching it, here are out thoughts on the film and exactly where capcom got it all exactly wrong everywhere. Warning: SPOILERS, although technically there has to be a plot in order for it to be spoiled at all.

What we wanted. You may remember this post (before all the Wow gayness) about our hopes and fears for the film that takes on the most precious game in the entire world, Resident Evil 2. Here was our wishlist:

1) Will Smith cast as the face of Marvin Branagh.
2) Zombie and/or Claire tits.
3) Herbs.
4) The line "That guy's a maniac, why'd he bite me?"
5) The exact same plot as Resident Evil 2. In fact don't spend money making a whole new film just record someone playing Resident Evil 2 and stick it on DVD that would be best.
6) A cameo from Dante.
7) A reference to Okami, Viewtiful Joe or at least We love golf.
8) An explanation of those other Resident Evil films like it was all just a dream or something.
9) The nemesis fighting 104 Hunters.
10) A bonus feature with Hunk dancing to 'Umbrella'11) Taking all this stuff about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS [Jill being dead] back.

Suffice to say none of this made the film at all. Although there were no Claire/zombie tits there is a bit at the end which is pretty titilicious. In fact, I think Capcom just used the model from Tits Mcgee in Dead Rising. Almost makes up for lack of C/Z tits but not quite. For a while it looked like the film was going to have the exact same plot as Resident Evil 2 until the film 'goes all japanese', 'jumps the shark' and is just shit. In fact here is the film in dead rising text size graph form.

The film starts off not very exciting at all with the tired old format of using fake news clips to fill in the blanks between Resident Evil 2 and 4 and present day. Then there's an airport and Claire and some kind of fake ethnic Sherry Birkin. Then umm zombies appear from nowhere. Literally, from nowhere. And then a plane full of zombies arrives. The airport gets all zombied up. Turns out Claire, fako Sherry and fako Brian Irons make it to some kind of safe room. Then ah, Leon gets sent in to rescue the survivors and is joined by newbie titsmcgee and zombie fodder Greg or Griggs or something.

Then there is some zombie shooting and the reunion of Leon and Claire (complete with the RE2 'get down' scene). The reunion is completely downplayed depsite the fact they could have had us crying tears of blood if they'd dealt with it properly. Essentially Leon kinda says "Oh hi" and that's it. Then there is some running and shooting and then you should turn the film off and pretend it was just a cutscene they forgot to put into RE2.

Unfortunately, I stuck with it. They get out of the airport and Claire, Tits, Leon, and Brian Irons meet fako Billy Birkin. Fortunately, ethnic Sherry dissapears so Claire can do more than hang around protecting her.

Then theres some talking and the T-virus and some vaccine and it turns out Brian Irons and fako Birkin are the good guys. Then there's an explosion and all the vaccine is destroyed and it turns out that it's all terrorism or something and the guy probably responsible is none other than tits' brother Curtis!

Then weirdness happens and Claire jumps in a car with fako Birkin. Leon and Tits decide to go to the Mcgee family home to find her brother despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in four years. Fortunately, the Mcgee family home seems to be quite near the airport.

Claire and Birkin go to some fako Umbrella facility which seems to be lacking in security and also quite near the airport. Birkin hits on Claire a bit, tells her they have the G-virus at new umbrella and then Claire phones Leon just as the building blows up with Claire inside and it's allegedly Curtis Mcgees' fault.

Meanwhile Leon and Tits go to chateau Mcgee to find it's been burned down by Curtis. Fortunately, despite the fire a family photo manages to escape the blaze and lay in wait in the exact spot Tits falls to her knees crying. She picks it up and gives us Curtis' utterly predictable sob story. Leon and Tits then just hang out for a bit not doing much. They then watch the airport burning until Leon gets Claire's call.

Seconds, minutes, hours or even days later Leon and Tits arrive at new Umbrella and split up to find Claire or to do something. Leon finds Claire and tells her to escape which she nearly does. In one sequence Zombies appear for no reason whatsoever outside a lift. We suspect it's so that some action happens because it's been talking a lot recently.

Tits finds her brother and for no reason anyone on this earth can work out he has injected himself with the G-virus and turns into a lanky William Birkin. The mysterious squad of troops for no reason appear from nowhere on nobody's orders and start to shoot him for no reason. Fako G-virus Billy Birkin takes most of them out before Leon turns up and kills him about a hundred times but never conclusively. Then Leon and Tits fall into some water and kiss for no reason. Meanwhile, Claire didn't escape she just went to the control room and for no reason decompresses the building, the only result being the roof goes a bit saggy.

After a million times burying him with rubble, knifing his eye-arm, blowing him up with flames and dropping him in a bottomless pit Leon and Tits finally kill fako g-virus Birkin (after the obvious brother-sister drama and the reappearence of coincidence family photo) and then Leon and Tits hold hands (mega gay and what about Claire? Disgusting).

Then they work out that non-g-virus Birkin was behind it all and using unseen detective powers they manage to find him on a cliff just as he arranges to sell the T-virus and G-virus to some guy from Ghana. Justice.

Then in the morning, Leon and Claire decide to not change clothes but Tits decideds to change into a dress to show everyone why she is called Tits. She also lets her hair down. Leon, Claire and Tits then stand on a Cliff looking at the fako new umbrella facility, complete with deflated roof and say some stuff.

Tits then flirts with Leon IN CLAIRE'S FUCKING FACE and then Leon and Claire walk off. Leon gets in a helicopter and Claire gets in a Limo with fako ethnic Sherry and fako Sherry's aunt. They don't kiss or cry they just kinda say "see you later" and it sucks. Again, could have been crying like a depressed girl with allergies in the height of summer just after her fiance left her at her whole family's funeral. Alas was not to happen.

Later we see the new new umbrella cleanup team (from Resident Evil 5) find a bit of the new fako Billy Birkin and put it in a box. Cue credits.

I wish the above description was exaggerated or made up by a bitter fanboy like myself but no. That's the film. The one consolidation is the blooper reel on the DVD but by the time you've watched the film it isn't enough to get the FEELING THAT ME AND MY MORON FRIENDS COULD HAVE WRITTEN AND SHOT A MUCH BETTER FILM THAT AT LEAST MADE SENSE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

There is no Capcom as far as we are concerned.

You are probably here looking for filth.

Yes you are aren't you? If you are the three people that came here yesterday looking for "soul calibur xxx" you probably want to go here or here. If you are the people desperate to find the "devil may cry 4 front mag" stuff you should go here. For the person looking for jay haffling, presumably Jay himself, go here. For the sicko who was looking for people with viagra naked, I would refine your search a bit first and the sad soul looking for porn guy blogger, we presume you didn't find them here.

Disappointing people, disappointing. Where is the imagination? Where are the searches for Guy Cocker or Naked Bif? We've got baby death and all kind of things to put into any orifice of choice. Boobs you want boobs? We got boobs in various flavours, WoW, Resident Evil Underboob (neathage) to mention but a mere few. We got spluff the biscuit going on too. You're not even googling terms like Red & White Bum Marmite and Green and bloody douche juice but it is all here for ya! All this and more and if you are taking an average of thirty seconds to get yourself off our archive should last you a year before you need to get fresh material.

In short filthy teenagers, you sorely disappoint us with your lack of imagination and creativity. I imagine your moms would be dissapointed too when she sees that the best you could manage was "people naked with viagra". Hopefully you'll be directed to this page from now on as a kind of taster index to all kinds of gaming filth held here.

Cunzy1 1

<3 Deviant Art

Cunzy1 1: You know what would be neato chap?

Richie: What's that?

Cunzy1 1: A picture that showed family life of the Birkin family from Resident Evil 2

Richie: Oh. You mean before William Birkin impregnates his own daughter.

Cunzy1 1: No. Like way before.

Richie: Before Sherry is even born?

Cunzy1 1: Yeah, you know. Just the Birkins chilling out at the lab. Annette is due any day...

Richie: Cha ching. Thank you deviant art!

Cunzy1 1: Isn't that nice.

Richie: Yeah. That's magic.

Cunzy1 1: And look their home is a lab!

Richie: Or maybe they are at work.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah William Birkin is totally trying to get her to go home.

Richie: But the research Willy.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah, she does call him Willy doesn't she?

Richie: Yes because in America it's not as funny as it is here.

Cunzy1 1: You know what would also be awesome?

Richie: A picture of the so totally underage Sherry Birkin all hypersexualised with a gun and her butt hanging out?

Cunzy1 1: Yeah butt only if the artist makes pains to point out that she is totally 18 now so it's fine.

Richie: LOL butt.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah.

Richie: What is wrong with people?

Cunzy1 1: I guess they just obsess about Resident Evil 2 way too much?

Richie: Yeah. Listen I have to go right away now to ummm floss my hair.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah me too, and I need this tissues for my allergies.

Richie: Stupid. Fake. Allergies.

Captain Falco Whoring Himself Out

Nintendo are allegedly very displeased.

Last Christmas

This christmas is gearing up to be a good one and already it's very heavily video game oriented. The TV is running Hitman the movie ads almost every ad break and the trailers for Assasin's Creed and Need for Speed Pro Street are popping up quite a bit, as well as others. They seem to be good adverts too, grown up ads, no longer the reserve of horrible ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT American voice over tat or Sony wankery they used to be.
This month's EDGE has an interesting schpiz on marketing for games and how much money is thrown at the great unwashed on marketing alone. Up to 15 percent of a game's net receipts is spent on marketing and for titles released worldwide for christmas up to £7 million is being spent. Recent discussions with Giant Enemy Guitar Hero suggest that PR and advertising may be the way to go about getting your game off the shelves regardless of unfulfilled promises by developers and publishers in pre-launch hype. The oft cited poor initial receptions to the likes of ICO, Grim Fandango, Psychonauts and Freedom Fighters is testament that word of mouth and good reviews won't guarantee sales success alone (and/or a sequel).

But how effective is it all? I won't be buying any new titles this December. £50 for 360 and PS3 games is just offensive. £40 for Super Mario Galaxy may just be worth it had I the inclination. Guitar Hero III and Rock Band are gonna set back some of the Jones' a pretty penny. And goddam DS titles, will your price ever drop?? Scratch that, goddam Nintendo games will your price ever drop? Why is there no second hand Nintendo market? Is it because there are never a glut of good games or do Nintendo players horde their merchandise by nature?

No, this Christmas I'll be aiming to pick up some cheap PS2 classics before they dissappear from the high street altogether . I've got all the GTA Stories to pick up for prosterity as well as the latest two Tomb Raiders. I should really get Resident Evil Outbreaks too. Was tempted by the Prince of Persia box set and I should really have picked up the Silent Hill box set by now. Not to mention ridiculous dinosaur related DS pishness. Oh and I've still got Eternal Darkness to pick up. Ha! Gamecube games. Good luck.

Oh look another Hitman ad. I suddenly want to go and see it.......

That Guy's Are The Worst Wedding Guests

Last week, Richie and I travelled to snowy Estonia for the wedding of our old friend Randy McSporran. Suffice to say the event was chaotic and it's probably a good thing that Cunzy and Richie are normally seperated by several hundred miles. Memory is still a bit hazy but here is the summary;

Stansted at midnight, vodka, coke, Pokemon Diamond, smking, checking-in, vodka and red bull at 3 in the morning, legendary battle, Ponyta, Omastar, Focus Band, Cunzy afraid of flying, airport dimensia, immaturity, Doug and Liz, Easy Jet, flying, landing, Randy and Ollie, new friends, sniffer dogs, bus, 'fit' or 'fat', hotel, mini bar, spluff on beds, snooker, MacDonalds, Kat, supermarket, Seaman's shot, Absinthe, Dark Dog, cheese waffles, Kent fags, drinking, raging, stupid cocktail, some other liquer, mixers, bull pish, more absinthe, Richie vomit, pub, Pokemon talk, stag night, kissing men, fighting, beer, Richie wiping things of his shoe onto a girl, strip club, lots of money spent, private dance, arguing with Tom, Randy showing us the venue for the wedding at stupid o clock in the morning, Cunzy vomit, phoning girlfriend, girlfriend laughing, dropping my phone in the toilet, sleep, MISSING THE CEREMONY, shame, hangover, champagne, smoking, medieval restaurant, elk, bear, wild boar, salmon, spicy lentils, wine, more smoking, memory card for sale, alcoholic homeless man, barmaids, singing, speeches, rose pudding, bit drunk again, no money, reception, champagne, vodka, beer, bubbles, bubbles in Chris's beer, smoking, Mulan first dance, vodka, dancing, kidnap, arguing, drinking, Will in the bogs, shouting, kidnap of bride, vodka, singing Wet wet wet, return of the bride, chicken wings, cake, heroin addicts, evolution, pokemon theme tune, no PQT :(, dancing, smoking, dancing, drinking, message book, not racist limmerick, bride dancing in underwear, Richie no top, Doug no top, no tops hugging, smoking, dancing, Richie finishing tab, bad mood Richie, crazy barmaids, horrible jaded, jealous little man, horrible jaded medium sized man, wake up in time, taxi, airport, airport, immature, Jpod, plane, water, Family guy, half an episode, UK, smoking, home, tired, tired, liver failure?

Overall it was great but team TGAM only have another two weddings in us before we die of alcohol abuse so if you want us at your wedding book early. Also, there's every chance that we won't make the ceremony.

Mission-Get-The-Anime-Post-Off-The-Front-Page Part 3

Going back to earlier what about the other "minorities" that want a place to meet similar people who play videogames with a forum. The ladies have many places and so do gaymers but what about:

1) Blue Lilies- A blog and forum for gamers who like to play with blue avatars.

2) Dead Lilies- A blog and forum for gamers who have been, will be or are dead.

3) Wilting Lilies- A blog and forum for gamers who have no bones in their bodies.

4) Blooming Lilies- A blog and forum for adolescent male gamers who get the blame most of the time for all the ills of the internet and forums and MMORPGs even though they may not be to blame. For every sexist comment I see a gazillion adolescentist comment.

5) Lily Livers- A blog and forum for gamers who are but disembodied organs/aggregates.

6) Dino Lillies- A blog and forum for gamers who want to see more dinosaurs in games!

7) Black Lilies- A blog and forum for gamers with leprosy or frostbite.

8) No. I'm done. I've made my point.

A little late for the prize giving no? Still...

... it is the taking part that counts. Following Richie's stream of posts in the last few weeks I thought I'd take the baton and do a post of my very own. Here it is.

This weekend I was on the continent (what English people say when they go to 'Europe'. N.B. please don't refer to the English, Irish (or parts of), Welsh or Scots as 'British'. As far as I'm aware none of these countries wants to be associated with any of the others and the only time we might concede to being British is when England are knocked out of some sporting competition and we have to support one of the other British teams. Further N.B this only occurs when the English are knocked out. If Scotland, Wales or Ireland are knocked out of a competition they actively support whoever is opposing England). I won't worry you with the for whys but In one of the big electronics shops media markt I saw a site to behold- the videogames sections.

Unlike GAME or HMV or Virgin or wherever, the DS Media Markt section had every single DS game ever released. All in one place. The PS2 section has almost every single PS2 game and so on. I nearly took a photo but I was on my knees crying tears of joy at a sight I only imagined in my wildest dreams or some kind of industrious photoshop. You want Dino Masters? Here it is, have it! You want Ico and Shadow of the Colossus? They're both right here.

It was truly a magnificent sight. You see here in Britain (sic.) the DS section will more often than not comprise of six copies of the latest release and then single copies of Barbie Pony Farm, Kittenz or Zoo Tycoon. You want a copy of Mario Kart DS? Sorry but that was out ages ago, it's all about Bionicle Wars this week or Agey Brain Schooling Train University and How Trained is Your Aged Brain? I went looking for some stuff that I really should already own but never got round to buying the other day, including such big guns as the original Advance Wars on the GBA, Eternal Darkness and any/all of the Rogue Squadrons for the GameCube and King Kong and God of War and Tomb Raider Legend for the PS2. After trawling through 4 GAMEs, two Gamestations, Virgin, HMV and three Indie shops I found two copies of Tomb Raider Legend and a second hand copy of God of War that had what looked like pureed Custard Cream on the front. I think I imagined the Gamecube as a console because I only saw copies of the Bongo DK game and infinite piles of Tiger Woods 200something. Is it wrong for me to think that it seems difficult to buy good games these days? I'll grant you I'm not the primary market for games companies. I rarely, if ever, buy a game on or near release, £50 or £40 is a fucking rip-off and in a few weeks it'll be cheaper or on sale. But maybe, just maybe this is the game. Now I'll have to buy games on or near release because they stay on the shelves for all of two months unless Bandai or Mattel or whoever are willing to bung GAME shops £40,0000,00 to keep their games in rotation for longer. Or of course I could just go online.

Anyway, next time you are 'on the continent' eat more pineapple because apparently it helps to relieve period pains.

Tschus!

GoW Death Threats Spark Call For Help?*

Creator of the original Playstation, Chuff_72 has called for Dr Wo 69 to "give him a hand".

This follows a number of actual frags caused by Marine34 which has forced Chuff to hide behind one of the sofas on the first floor of the Mansion map.

Chuff_72 was called a "Pokeyman" on Gears of War by Marine34 late last night on a round in The Mansion level in online multiplayer. Chuff_72 is now refusing to leave his hiding place behind a sofa on the first floor. "I'm afraid to leave cover. In the chat in the menu screen he was pretty adamant that he was going to 'smoke me and then hump my corpse' he has done it to me before on other levels" Chuff said from his cover earlier today.
He has called for Dr Wo 69 to "Get upstairs and cover me".

Whilst fighting in Gears of War is common Chuff is convinced that Marine34 is stalking him because he repeatedly tagged Marine 34 with smoke grenades which in competitive play is seen by some players as a bit off or overly cheeky.

"I have cancelled all of our team plans. I am afraid to leave my sofa, I will never feel the same. I will never be the same," he said over Xbox headsets.

Dr Wo 69, real life Dr and sometimes Maniac was unavailable for comment. It is thought that he is "outside somewhere in the ruins".

*In all seriousness, the 'sexual harassment panda' seems to be back in the blogosphere (....ugh) again, see the post title link. Now what happens in the blogosphere concerns me little but in gaming it is pretty horrible. From my own experience it seems to be Americans (who seem to appear on XBLive at about 2am in the morning) that are the worst. They sound like mutant girls and are just downright offensive to some of the female maniacs but embarassingly so. One moron said "If you wuz a pokeyman you'd be a Lickitung" and then continued the audible-only-to-dogs tirade. The fact that he couldn't play for shit didn't seem to matter either, like the proverbial pig, he was happy in his shit. There was a fantastic report done by someone who played advertising that they were female in a serious of MMORPGs and Online FPS. It's just nasty. Unfortunately, I lost the link. The problem is there is no beating them. They like to be ignored and they love to be responded to but there is no fighting irrational thought. The best way is to play them out of the game. They get bored of watching the game after getting taken out so often that they log off. Of course this doesn't help newbies or people playing on their own but sometimes it helps to just turn off the headset or join another game. The fact that you shouldn't have to is a different matter. I don't see how this issue is going to get fixed either, protests, silences and naming and shaming don't help. Perhaps some kind of in game enforcement would be good. Rather than banning just an automated avatar that hunts and wipes out any griefers. Sin Bins have kind of worked in Second Life and other MMORPGs. But when we are talking about thousands of different games and millions of players that does start to get tricky.

Book reading is turning all our kids into obese, gay, terrorists

Hi, my name is Cunzy1 1 and I have an axe to grind. I'm going to spout my point of view as fact and back it up with misinformation and uninformed hearsay. Today, I've got an issue with kids reading books, especially homoerotic books about wizards and dragons and the such.

Gone are the days when children would come home from school, play a few rounds of Quake 2 with their friends and then sit and talk to each other over a nice dinner between friends and families. These days kids are obsessed with reading books about 'wizards' who use 'majicks' to 'save the day'. They are becoming mindless zombies sat tranfixed with words on a page barely moving save to turn a page or to 'shoot up' some heroin which they learned from another book about drug abuse. People in bookshops don't care, they rarely check ID when the lazy slob children come in to buy the next installment of Manly McMan's book about shooting and killing real people from nearly real countries. The parents don't care either. They don't sit down and read books with their children they just keep buying them books so that the children don't notice when 'Uncle' Jenny comes round when Daddy is away.

Yet they maintain all the knowledge they get from reading books and what use is it? Dragons and terrorists don't exist in real life. This knowledge is useless. Also, it's affecting education. We all know that evolution, earth history and phylogeny isn't taught at school anymore but children just aren't playing dinosaur and other prehistoric animal games anymore they are obsessed with reading filthy books like Jurassic Park or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World. Disgusting. It's no wonder all our children are obese terrorists. My parent's generation certainly didn't read books and my generation dabbled in the written word behind the school sheds but just once to try it.

SAVE OUR CHILDREN! BURN THEM OR BOOKS