Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku

As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their writers being gay.
7. Pictures and post headings are not always appropriate.
8. It reads very amateurishly, especially when compared to the other Gawker sites, Gizmodo, io9, and ironically WoWinsider.
9. We resent having to trawl through Kotaku, and only Kotaku for news. Can someone set up another site which filters out all the shit?
10. They get more hits than us and a lot of better sites.
11. Their "Just ignore them and they'll go away" approach to Thatguys. We've sent them at least 300 excellent tips about real news and we've only ever once got a reply.
12. The constant navel gazing.

13. Too many Brians and not enough Keiths.

14. The 'crazy times' of Stephen Dorito who seems to have died as a good writer at the hands of the frat boys club.
15. The properly rubbish and ONMish TGS coverage.

16. The ballbreaking effort required to post comments, get a conversation going and track who commented on what. It's like the battery farm of the deaf except nobody numbered the cages. This and the neonatal amnesiacs which seem to make up the readership makes it a vile inhabitable wasteland for the thinking gamer. A churlish "forum" and god-forbid other 'inclusive' features do a great job at weeding out the dissenters.

17. The incessant inappropriate advertising which brings feedreaders almost to a halt. Or did.

18. Uninventive and boring tags.

But the most annoying part is they recently did a couple of posts without even a nod in our direction:

Exhibit A:
Kotaku:Use of the word: Underboob.
Thatguys: Coined July 2008 by Thatguys.

Exhibit B:
Kotaku: Some drossy article on sexism in games.
Thatguys: Satirical review of sexism in the industry from 2007.

 

Cunt and Otaku,

Richie and Cunzy11 XX

Is the PSP worth getting yet?

Let's check. The last time we paid any attention to the "little handheld that could" there was nothing going on.

From field data gathered by observing people using it on the bus and on the train it seems that 98% of them use it to watch Family Guy or South Park episodes. The other 2% play GTA.

Apparently, it can connect to the PS3. Which is a shame because the PS3 is probably the least useful thing an appliance could ever connect to. In fact plugging your PSP into the ground probably offers up infinitly more exciting gaming opportunities.

And what of those "games" that Sony used to do?

Hmmmm Tekken is the best game for the PSP according to Gayspot. Looking at Metacritic there has only been one game post launch better than Lumines and Wipeout. Thems are four years old y'all.

Well I do not know about you but I certainly can't wait for PSP Go! to play those four year old games on. Can you?

Pokemon Summer Camp: That was ages ago

Yes in our long running series (2 including this one) of up to the minute live blogging of videogames events posted a month after the fact we are proudish to relay our thoughts on the Pokemon Summer Day Camp way back on the 25th of August.

Yes after all my fanboy whinging about how Nintendo hates europe, it seems that they heard my whiny plees and decided to do a Pokemon Summer Day Camp which promised much pokemon related fun and the oppurtunity to get a Mew for the GBA games, which is sure generous Nintendo. How many other games let their players wait 4 years to get something they should have had anyway.....

So Chuff_72, our TGAM street correspondant and myself went along in the interests and purity of videogame journalism. Definitely not because neither of us wanted to go alone and one of us, really, really wanted to go. As it turns out we were both movinghouse that weekend but promises and pleading with our better halves meant we busted down to sunny Brent Cross in London for our chance to catch the elusive Mew.

Upon finding the Toys 'R' Us car park after a pleasant stroll through London surburbia we were unsurprisingly the tallest people there, excluding parents, and of a minority being between parent or children ages. It was predictable but unpleasant still. The sun at this point was beaming down and as the English are want to do we joined a lovely queue.

We were so enthused and a little less self concious so we whiled away the time by taking pictures of the queue a là MTV mid 90s
Then, as the English in queues are want to do when we are queuing, the complaining started and Lo! We were at the back of a queue that wasn't due to move for another 30 minutes our diligent loud mom sources revealed. So very self conciously we took out our DSes, confirming to any suspicious parent that we hadn't spontaneously joined a queue but that we were there for the pokeymans or possibly to fiddle their kiddies.

Then the queue got much longer and we were proud that we had had the foresight to turn up so early. Foolish fools at the back of the queue. How we laughed! And then the queue didn't move for ages again. Then it was announced that the queue would split into two. The queue we were in would be for the goody bags and the new queue would be to skip straight to the Mew download. About four people moved to form the Mew queue but we were confident that we'd swipe a goody bag then pick up Mew and ride off into the sunset to help our better halves move house. What a day!

And then the sun got hotter and hotter and higher and higher. Still the queue refused to move and the Mew queue started to grow. Using our expert navigation skills learned from Windwaker we used a boy dressed as Pikachu to mark the progress of the Mew queue and for what must have been an hour we watched him not move from our own stationary position. By now the grumbling was discernable up and down the line and a few parents, probably of adopted children, started to implement time factors for their children. "If this queue doesn't move in 15 minutes we are leaving". Bastard parents but they were right, it was unbearable like some form of torture, the heat reflecting off the asphalt and burning our chins. For what? Well Mew of course. Also, at this point I found out I had locked my girlfriend in the house. Alarm bells began to ring that I'd got this far for nothing.......

And then just before we thought about missing out on the goodie bags and skipping to the Mew queue before it got too long there was a sudden slow movement. We were slightly winging our way to a goodie bag!

Half an hour later we were nearly getting our goodie bags. By this point the Mew queue had grown into the longest queue I've seen in at least five years. We grabbed our recently filled-out trainer cards, complete with answers stolen from a knowledgable five year old and ran to the counter to receive, what I believe to be one of the poorest goodie bags I have ever queued two and a half hours for. An A4 school planner (pokemon themed), a Pokemon diamond/pearl bookmark, a Pokemon diamond/pearl postcard, two pokemon movie posters which were adverts for Pokemon toys on the back, a set of pokemon stickers and a pokeball badge, which might have been wearable, was I the type, except it had CARTOON NETWORK emblazened on it, covering the bottom half of the badge, ruining it's wearability as some kind of secret sign to other Pokemon players. With heavy hearts lifted, slightly, by the prospect of getting a Mew each we moved to the now infinitely long queue to get the Mew download.

This is the Mew Q about an hour into it. By this time sweat is dripping from every pore and my forehead is blistering. I had one go on the DS and I went to the underground but the wi-fi was so slow and my old DS became unviewable with the shining sunlight I turned it off. Children all sides of us were making ridiculous trades and Chuff_72 was visibly distressed at seeing and hearing so many shiny DSes getting dropped on the floor in all the excitement and heat. Until finally we get near to the tent.
At which point this prick (above) totally pwns some kid half his age and quarter ours with a hacked shiny Rayquaza. Chuff_72 eggs me on to speak out about the injustice and to take cheaty boy on in a (pokemon) fight but I'm too hot and not at all afraid that he'll beat me with his hacked team. He smokes the whole time too which is jarring because I had run out of all smokables. Also, quite why a guy who had audibly hacked to get a shiny Deoxys, Celebi and Rayquaza was queueing to get a Mew is also, perplexing.
Has the word queue lost all meaning yet? I hope it has because it is a little way to how Chuff and I were feeling this far into our epic adventure. Then:


The end is in sight. A poor woman who has been going up and down the queue telling people to free up a space in the party on their game all day is clearly annoyed and frustrated that no one has been listening which is why the queue is so slow and that the command is so foreign to the parents that they can't even enforce their kids to do it.



We're there! And rewarded with tits as well as Mew which ever so slightly comes near to almost beginning to make up for the awful conditions we endured. Both of these people were very nice and didn't make a comment about two 20 somethings with childrens goody bags at a Pokemon event and we didn't make snide remarks about how one gets to become a Pokemon Summer Camp helper because we were secretely jealous that they could get as many Mews as they wanted.

So that's the story of how we got Mew and much like Ash Ketchum we had to endure hardship and many trials to catch this legendary pokemon. But we made it. I've been Cunzy1 1 and this has been TGAM. Thank you very much and goodnight x x

Stupid Fucking Site More Like

So everyone on the internet likes to whinge but there is nothing worse than a loser and a not so loser that like to whinge about their shitty job, online, whilst they work at their shitty job.

Go here to read this big bag 'o' shite.



Here are the problems with the website "I'm a stupid customer service nerd" in a numbered list:



1) They whinge all the time about how crappy their job is yet never do anything about it like skim people's credit cards or leave the store unlocked on purpose.

2) It's as if they haven't seen Clerks or understand that they just come off as whiney nerds. Everyone has worked shit jobs but most of us managed to move on with our lives.

3) The woman (Mario Mark) almost never talks about women's issues such as periods, pregnancy boobs or grief online. Get with it bird.

4) They so desperately want to be UK:Resistance that they write about it in the comments all the time and steal their posts and spend most of the day in the work toilets furiously masturbating over a fantasy email from Zorg. It's never going to happen losers.

5) They pretend to be men on the internet. That is so early 90s. You can practically smell rag juice on each and every post. The smell is worse around the 24th of the month.

6) One of them, the gay one, pretends that 'he' has a girlfriend. Sometimes 'he' pretends they are married.

7) Most of the comments are between the blog writers. SAD.

8) Phorenzik has pretended to give up smoking for 10 days. We all know you have had a secret packet and have smoked at least twice every day.

9) They take photos of each other and then give them nicknames like "Smells of piss sandles man" and pretend they are customers.

10) They hide behind fake names and identities which is so weak. They won't even reveal which store they work in in case the manager finds out they've been clam-kissing behind the counter and closing the shop for twenty minutes.

11) Their website looks shit. White writing on a black background is the colours paedos use to groom underage dogs.

12) They are rubbish at games but pretend they are good.

13) They post fake interviews with celebrities. Gheeeeeeey.

14) Mario Mark is in love with phorenzik but phorenzik is assexual and really enjoys poetry.



Get a life guys and get off the internets. Boo hoo your life is rubbish and only the other spods from UK:Resistance pay attention to your depserate cries for help. Do the world a favour ladies, have one last double douche in the bath then slit each others wrists using a Wiimote. Then when you both realise that it wasn't that bad phone the ambulance and cry down the phone. I bet the only person to miss you would be your manager but only after a month when he realises that the counter has stopped smelling of fresh squadge.



Noogins.



Cunzy1 1 and Richie

A new Resident Evil DS?

Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.

It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:

"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"

Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.

A little late for the prize giving no? Still...

... it is the taking part that counts. Following Richie's stream of posts in the last few weeks I thought I'd take the baton and do a post of my very own. Here it is.

This weekend I was on the continent (what English people say when they go to 'Europe'. N.B. please don't refer to the English, Irish (or parts of), Welsh or Scots as 'British'. As far as I'm aware none of these countries wants to be associated with any of the others and the only time we might concede to being British is when England are knocked out of some sporting competition and we have to support one of the other British teams. Further N.B this only occurs when the English are knocked out. If Scotland, Wales or Ireland are knocked out of a competition they actively support whoever is opposing England). I won't worry you with the for whys but In one of the big electronics shops media markt I saw a site to behold- the videogames sections.

Unlike GAME or HMV or Virgin or wherever, the DS Media Markt section had every single DS game ever released. All in one place. The PS2 section has almost every single PS2 game and so on. I nearly took a photo but I was on my knees crying tears of joy at a sight I only imagined in my wildest dreams or some kind of industrious photoshop. You want Dino Masters? Here it is, have it! You want Ico and Shadow of the Colossus? They're both right here.

It was truly a magnificent sight. You see here in Britain (sic.) the DS section will more often than not comprise of six copies of the latest release and then single copies of Barbie Pony Farm, Kittenz or Zoo Tycoon. You want a copy of Mario Kart DS? Sorry but that was out ages ago, it's all about Bionicle Wars this week or Agey Brain Schooling Train University and How Trained is Your Aged Brain? I went looking for some stuff that I really should already own but never got round to buying the other day, including such big guns as the original Advance Wars on the GBA, Eternal Darkness and any/all of the Rogue Squadrons for the GameCube and King Kong and God of War and Tomb Raider Legend for the PS2. After trawling through 4 GAMEs, two Gamestations, Virgin, HMV and three Indie shops I found two copies of Tomb Raider Legend and a second hand copy of God of War that had what looked like pureed Custard Cream on the front. I think I imagined the Gamecube as a console because I only saw copies of the Bongo DK game and infinite piles of Tiger Woods 200something. Is it wrong for me to think that it seems difficult to buy good games these days? I'll grant you I'm not the primary market for games companies. I rarely, if ever, buy a game on or near release, £50 or £40 is a fucking rip-off and in a few weeks it'll be cheaper or on sale. But maybe, just maybe this is the game. Now I'll have to buy games on or near release because they stay on the shelves for all of two months unless Bandai or Mattel or whoever are willing to bung GAME shops £40,0000,00 to keep their games in rotation for longer. Or of course I could just go online.

Anyway, next time you are 'on the continent' eat more pineapple because apparently it helps to relieve period pains.

Tschus!

Wanna Know the Name?

Devil may Cry but an interesting report (via Bug's Blog) shows how people who play different games view themselves. A survey of 5000 gamers from around the world was taken. Here are the results.

Interestingly 80% of people who play mobile phone games at least once a day do not consider themselves gamers (this is more than I play games!). Compare that to 10% of console gamers and a whopping 64% of PC gamers surveyed.

Of the console (including DS, GBA and PSP) gamers 22% consider themselves 'hardcore gamers', but no definition of hardcore was given. 56% of them were in a relationship, 30% of them in a long term relationship (5+ years). The average age of a console gamer is 29 and there is an almost 50-50 split between the sexes. The favourite genre of games were puzzle games, life sims and 'adventure' games (some of these titles are a bit vague). 70% of console gamers play together, both co-operatively and against each other with family and friends.

Of PC gamers only 12% consider themselves 'hardcore'. Only 30% of them were in a relationship, 20% of them long term. The average age was slightly higher at 35 and there are 60-40 split female, male respectively. 13% of PC gamers confessed to playing in their underwear. Significantly 80% of the people who play MMORPGs were lonely ex-goth, bitter homosexuals or people who describe themselves as a 'try-hard' at school. 70% of MMORPG players had thought about suicide but only 2% of them had actually committed suicide. 98% of them have cats and 70% of them have a blog. Interestingly, all of them were above 27 and 23% of them stated 'griefing' as one of the main reasons they play MMORPGs, 65% stated 'cyber-sex' as their main reason for playing MMORPGs, 7% because they thought the platforms were 'very arty' and 4% play to earn an income. 78% of PC gamers play alone. So very alone.

In a pitted arena console gamers managed to massacre all of the PC gamers with only 50% loss in a record time of 25 minutes, 43 seconds. Many of the PC gamers took of their clothes and refused to fight quoting the naked protests of Azeroth as an example of how protests can work. Clearly they confused virtual situations with real life. The survivors were pitted against each other and it appears that Nintendo fans are the most effective in combat however Sony fans were the most babaric using corpses of others as makeshift weapons.

Overall console gamers showed a significant tendency towards generally being content and happy in their lives. This trend was also observed in the PC gamers who play CS or WoW. Bizarrely 100% of Second Lifers complained of depression, being bullied at school, being of a minority group, general feelings of inadequacy, that they considered themselves to be nerdy, that society owes them something because they are individual or different, that 'no-one understands them', why should love between adults and children be forbidden and that they were probably going to give up Second Life soon. 100%!

Very interesting and telling in some respects. What do you think read.... Richie?

S.I.C.K

With the PS3 dead on arrival, the Xbox 360 dependent on me having a reliable broadband connection and the Wii having four games, three of which, are launch games, it is down to the DS to keep gaming alive in the world of Cunzy1 1. AND WHAT A WORLD! There's fossil league which I need for the DS dinosaur goodness and only £20. Then there's Bionicle heroes which promises to be as good as Metroid. Let us not forget Puzzle Quest: Somedy Blah Blah which I can see myself sinking days into. Elite Beat Agents and the new Phoenix Wright are calling my name RIGHT NOW TOO!. Pokemon Diamond and Pearl should be out sometime soon and I'm still wading through Advance Wars:Dual Strike, I've got one more round to do with Resident Evil Deadly Silence, Dr Kawishima's going to kick my ass next time I go on Brain Age and there is still a bazillion and one things left to do on Animal Crossing Wild World. :( There just isn't enough time or money to do them all and I haven't even started trying to complete my GBA back catalogue before it dissapears from the shops completely :(