Thursday, February 04, 2010

The future of gaming interaction is here at last!

After the recent debate over the Wii, it is nice to see there is some real innovation and blue sky thinking out there. Finally, a new type of controller I can get behind!



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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Thoughts on the Heavy Rain Showering/Golden Shower "Leak"

So many piss jokes we don't know where to start. All the major gaming news networks reported that two Heavy Rain 'videos' were 'leaked' (when is the game out again?). One of which was the opening sequence, the other was gameplay of slutbungwulla having a shower and having a wee.

We watched both videos on your behalf and here are our thoughts:

1) It is a fucked up world where a video of a virtual woman having a wee generates more interest than all those videos of virtual death and mass murder. Even more so that either of those kinds of videos drums up more interest than all that depressing 'news' stuff on real MDKs.
2) On the upside, the shower scene is so devoid of titilation (ha tit) that only the most frustrated of adolescents are in danger of getting aroused. However, it is really boring. This is an unattractive woman having a shower after a hard day at work perhaps? From what we saw she doesn't frig or hide the soap. She just showers a bit. We can barely wait for the level where you have to fill out your tax return or the "Where did I put my keys?" mini game.
3) UPDATE FROM THE GIRLFRIEND! What kind of woman showers without at least 14 kinds of products and at least 20 towels? Good points.
4) What ever happened to MDK?
5) So, Wii Sports bowling is an example of how casual games and gaming is killing gaming for the hardcore. A game where you have to make a motion like bowling to bowl a ball in a virtual bowling alley. Like bowling. The real life game of bowling. That's not 'gaming' apparently but pressing up on an analog stick to turn the shower on is gaming?
6) When she undresses for the shower all the naughty bits are strategically covered by furniture in the foreground which is a bit Austin Powers really. I mean, if this game is an 18 then at least 14% of the gamers playing it will have actually seen a real vagina. Is it really so neccessary to cover it up or does that actually say more about the expected response to this kind of totally unexciting, barely lob worthy scene?
7) Fingers crossed for a male shower and piss scene where right on the analog stick is "wipe piss off the seat".


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Friday, November 27, 2009

Microfanficcing- Our Story.

We've literally just invented microfanficcing everybody. And now after all the lies, plagiarism and law suits we're now ready to tell our story about how it all started.

Richie: Well it all started when we I was excited about the Chocobo for the Xbox 360 avatars.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. I was ridiculing him for having a light sabre, chocobo and megatron hat and being over the age of 15.
Richie: That's right. Well I went on to say that the only reason I wanted the chocobo was to pretend I was Irvine from Final Fantasy 8 and get to bad touch Selphie.
Cunzy1 1: Then... oh god this sounds so bad. Then we went on to talking about Zell. I mean here is this guy in this band of merry men each with different skillz and all he can do is punch people.
Richie: He doesn't even have a dog.
Cunzy1 1: Exactly and then I asked Richie what he called Angelo because I called Angelo 'bitch' so Rinoa's limit break was Bitch Strike and Bitch Rush. Then Richie fan ficked the Bitch name origin story.
Richie: And I guess that was the world's first micro fanfic!
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. Yeah it totally was.
Richie: The rest they say is history.

Thanks to TGAm for the exclusive.

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Why I hate Street Fighter [Maximum Risky]

Double filth

All the time, the cold lonely empty silence of the comments section and TGAM's email inbox seems to be asking me "Why if you are the official Capcom website do you never do anything on the Street Fighter series?". I'm sure that is what the silence asks of me. And if I were to answer it, my answer would be a three parter. Firstly, why do we only seem to ever write about Pokemon and Resident Evil? This is the bigger concern. Why pick out Street Fighter? Jeez. Secondly, I hate Street Fighter but it isn't because I think the fighting genre hasn't progressed at all in over a decade, it isn't because now there are stupid bars everywhere and nobody tells me what each of them mean or how to activate any of them so I just button mash until something explosiony happen and it isn't even because 'So there is this fighting tournament' has been the standard plot for fighting games since forever. Thirdly, the real reason why I hate Street Fighter is because there are no like able characters. They are all goonbods. Totally unlikeable, would not be friends with in real life idiotic posers. At least the Darkstalkers characters are deliberately a total nonsense. This may well make me an Angry Internet Man you may be thinking. There are people starving to death who have never even heard of street fighter. Starving right now. Probably already dead and all you can do with your luxurious life is get angry about some silly videogame because the characters aren't up to your expectations. This is all true but in fact it makes me angrier because now I am jealous of the starvers because at least they haven't been exposed to the clown brigade that make up the Street Fighter crew.


Ryu- Or captain generic as he is known by his pals. Boring, boring boring. Just look at him. What does he stand for? Probably goodness and being nice to people but we can all tell he is a bit of a twat. His favourite sandwiches are egg and cress. He actually prefers ready salted crisps and keeps a count of the number of beers he drinks because he doesn't want to get drunk. Probably a christian too. And he punches and kicks. How original Ryu. Punching and kicking. Zzzzzzz

Ken- as annoying as Ryu for all the same reasons and then even extra annoying because he is smug. Only smugs wear red. I also really hate the way his nose bleeds in SSFIITurbo. YOUR OWN NOSE BLOOD IS GOING INTO YOUR MOUTH KEN. Use a tissue. Or just use your PJs. They are red so your nose blood wouldn't even show up on it. You disgusting obnoxious Ryu variant.

Akuma, Dan etc.- All the fake Ryus. Different PJs and a hair cut is all that makes them different. I would also include T-Hawk in this category. Nobody cares. Akuma is emo Ryu and Dan is gay Ryu. Dan is extra annoying because he has a pony tail and also because no matter what buttons you press you always end up doing that sketch at the most inappropriate time. He is even more annoying because he is meant to be annoying but is the least annoying of the Ryu-alikes in the game.

Balrog - Can't even jump. Combo wannabe. Is probably the least dislikable because he is just unlikeable and rubbish.

M Bison Stupid name, stupid hat, stupid moves. And racist. Stupid racist head stomper. What even is a head stomp? Ridiculous. And who wears a cape anymore? Ken. Ken probably wears a cape.

Blanka What is even going on here? Did an intern design this character? Is this what Capcom think Brazilians look like? And that stupid chest hair saves Zangief from having the stupidest chest hair in games. How did he get electricity power? Learned it from the eels or maybe caught it in an electrical storm. Yes of course. Caught it from a storm.

Cammy Leotard wearing fake British girly hair camel toe memory loss.

Chun-Li Chun-Lis constant yipping when she jumps about drives me right up the wall. Also, as you'll see from the delightful images in this post Chun-Li is the nearest to a woman that most sweaty palmed deviant filth freaks will ever get. Nobody cares about her story and I don't think wearing a bra on your head has ever been fashionable.

Filth Chun li nude cheat in street fighter IV

Dhalsim-Capcom racism at it's best but because nobody in Japan or America actually believes in India it's fine.

Guile- Rubbish hair and I don't know about you but I never trust a man who does kicks when he is upside down. So inefficient. He also lisps which isn't a bad thing in itself but does start to grate when all you say is Thonic boom every two seconds.

E-Honda- Pantsu! Plus I really hate people who walk like a crab. What are they trying to prove? Crab walking up and down the place.

Sagat- Sagat reminds me most of somebodies Dad. Somebodies baldy pirate Dad embarrassing his children with those shorts. Almost the most personality free character, were it not for Ryu.

Uber filth Chun Li nude street fighter IV cheat

Zangief is okay actually. I don't mind Zangief. My one complaint would be that he isn't real and that there just isn't as much Zangief deviant filth as there is from slutty titti-head. This is a great shame.

So there we have it people. I understand that there are more characters than that but nobody cares. And I also don't care if it is just "one go". I'm not playing. I hate them all with a passion.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Bayonetta Promo

And this years most underwhelming promotion in video games goes to....




*Rustles envelope*



A quiet hush captures the ceremony



Congratulations Bayonetta!!!

Nobody cares.

Love and hugs.

I find Mr Vaz's Modern Warfare outrage arousing,

Richie X

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Bayonetta: The tiny head that could?

So our good firends over at the Zeonic Front have gone and made a nice photo shgop edit of bayonetta, in proportion! Well done:

Yeah we concur, the proportions of she-dante were totally out of whack!

Regarding Bayonetta, we have been wrestling (in a non-homosexual way, we just finish each other off in the showers afterwards) over this title for a while. You see it DOES look good, there are some classy Dante-esque manoeuvres, and we all love Devil May Cry. But despite the fact that the DMC genre is not ripped off that much *looks in Kratos' direction*, it is SEGA that is doing the ripping off, and well SEGA suck, they have done nothing but 3/10 forgettable trashy cash-ins. I just cant get excited about this game, ultimately I feel it will be an underwhelming disappointment, Too much hype, to much focus on inferred nudity (and I'm usually a fan, though it helps if their head is not tiny), and too much focus on how great it is gonna be.

Anyone else feeling this?

Putting lotion on it's skin,

Richie X.

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Breaking News

Internet fiend and Leaderboard legend the Hockster just gave us the tip-off about the new Resident Evil 4 HD version. We're pretty sure this is breaking so you'll see it in a TTECNK on lesser sites soon.

Here is the original:
You thee I am a thpanith giant! Here is Resident Evil 4 HD. You can see that Capcom, fingers burnt from Resident Evil 5, have played it safe and set the whole thing in Asia land.
Expect upskirt shots within minutes. Can't racist yourself! Except you are being racist if you just racist yourself and not everyone. Try again Capcom.

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Top ten genicon gaming characters.

We wanted to say the Gypsie woman from Alex Kidd but couldn't find an image of her so it's Gorilla boy instead. Look it is Monday okay!It's Monday okay! Much easier to bash out a dirty top ten than it is to do any actual thinking. Here are our top ten characters to get you 'there' if your current humpee ain't doing it no more.

1) Q Bert
2) Merchant from RE4
3) Zangief
4) Lickitung
5) Ms Pac Man
6) Aeris (dead).
7) Zelda as Sheik.
8) That tranny from Neir.
9) The gorilla dude, above, from Alex Kidd when he loses a game of paper, scissors, stone (and also his undies)
10) Murdered maidens in Tenchu.

All of these are tried and tested winners according to our girlfriend.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Restoring the Capcom to the blog.

totally told you she had a buttless dressSome sad Capcom fanboys are looking for suggestions for the next Capcom vs XXXX title. In order to restore some Capcomness to this blog here are our top 5 suggestions:

1) Capcom vs the pool of baby lotion
2) The real Capcom vs the Capcom characters from fan fictions.
3) Capcom vs the giant purple cheese with a vagina in RE2
4) Capcom vs Blazing Squad
5) Capcom vs Kayne West LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Also, here's a hint to all the asswipes leaving comments on the Capcom Unity blog, if you make a suggestion and have to put (funny) after it it probably isn't funny (bitterness).

Image of Tree Spirit Sakuya from Okami confirming that she does indeed have a Buttless dress from this dirty perve clacier over at Deviant Art.

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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Namco Bandi might be the new Capcom.

I don't mean like Pac-Man or other scheisse like that I mean some of their recent additions to the 360 and maybe some of the Wii titles, though one of the greatest things about the Namco Bandai games is how pretty they are, So I wouldn't recommend playing them on the underpowered inbred cousin of the next gen consoles.

I just had a look at some of the games I games I have, and I noticed that I have too many Namco Bandai titles and they are pretty much my favourites.

Beautiful Katamari

Yeah you all know it, the little green dude that collect things till they get bigger and bigger. As much as I'm put of by all the twats out there with their knitted Katamari hats to put on their cats, the game is still fun. Though A reskin would be nice.

Soulcalibur IV

Swords, boobs and Jedis... I think I have talked enough about this previously.

Naruto: Rise of a Ninja & Naruto: Broken Bonds

Meh, good games, great fighting, great animation, but most folks who have not seen the anime wont really care about this game.

Eternal Sonata

Ok this is a tough one, everything about this game is brilliant the mechanics, graphics, EXCEPT maybe the story. The Dialogue seems geared for a 6 year old, it is broken up with educational bits on Chopins life which sticks out like a sore thumb, the saving grace for all this is that you can just skip them

Tales of Vesperia

Ok this was the game that tipped me off to my potential Namco Bandi Fanboyism. I fucking love this game, it is perhaps the best RPG/Game I have ever played. The Active battles are pretty much what Sqeenix would like to try and pull off, but cant. Seriously fuck the entire Final Fantasy Series, this game is the Daddy (better than FF7). There are so many plus points, the game gets 10/10 for aesthetics and mechanics, and the dialogue is GENUINELY FUNNY!.

My only gripe with this game is that the fucking PS3 version is getting so many additions which may actually bump this game to an 11/10. Unprecedented.

So yeah this what the PS3 version is getting:

* Full voice acting
* Tie-ins with Tales of Vesperia: The First Strike.
* New playable character (Patty Fleur)
* Flynn as a fully customizable, playable character
* Repede and Flynn as selectable on-screen avatars
* New cutscenes
* New subplots
* New main game quests
* New sidequests
* New songs
* New towns
* Remodeled towns
* New dungeons
* New bosses (including the Sword Dancer)
* Boss fight replays at Nam Cobanda Isle (in an area called the Door of Memories)
* New Overlimit Levels 5 and 6[16]
* New Hi Ougi/Mystic Artes (including a dual Mystic Arte with Yuri and Flynn)
* New Artes
* New Skills
* New Equipment
* A Key Item known as the "Artes Ball," which allows characters to assign up to 8 Artes to the left stick, and 8 Arte Shortcuts to the right stick for a new maximum of 16 Artes.
* New Costumes
* New Skits
* A scene-skip feature
* Connectivity with Tales of VS
* Pre-Order Bonus (Abyss character costumes for Yuri, Flynn, and Estelle)

Which pretty much means I'm getting a PS3. Seriously. BEST. GAME. EVER.

Namco Bandi might be the new Capcom...

Another Namco Bandai title I should probably mention is Tekken 6. It's not out yet, but you know, It's Tekken, It'll get bought!

Namcoing out.


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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dear TGAM....

This is yet another first in a 'probably not going to get past two series of posts' series here at TGAM. It seems that a lot of people stumble upon TGAM by typing filthy questions into search engines. They then stay for an average of 00:00 to 00:01 seconds before going elsewhere, questions unanswered. It seems that nobody has heard of GAMEfaqs, fucking idiots. Well we're here to help you. An agony aunt for the depraved youth of today who don't know how to do searches properly.

So this will be a weekly surgery to answer those burning questions that many of you think we can't answer here at TGAM:

1)Every week about a thousand people look for Sheva Nude, Sheva's panties, nude, nude code, nude mods, naked, nude patch, naked cheat, Sheva's ass and combinations of all of the above. The full cheat is here but you're better off just creaming off a hot one over at deviant art.

2)List of dinosaur games. You can cobble together most of them by visiting here. But here's an abriged list of games that feature dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures in games. There are more but you'll have to find them yoursel'. 101 dino pets, Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing Wild World, Animal Crossing Let's Go to the City, Ape Escape, Batman Lego, BUZZ! JUNIOR DINO DEN, Carnivores, Carnivores 2, Carnivore Ice Age, Carnivores Cityscape, Clever Kids Dino Land, Combat of giants: Dinosaurs, Dino Hunter, Dino King, Dino Land, Dinotopia: The Sunstone Odyssey, Dino Master, Dino Stalker, Dinosaur park, Disney's Dinosaur x 3, DoA 4, Dinosaur World, Dorito's Dash to Destruction, Endless Ocean, Evil Dead Fistful of Boomstick, Fossil Fighter, Fossil League Dino Tournament Championship, GTA IV, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Jet Pack Brontosaurus, Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III DNA Factor, Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis, Jurassic Park Trespasser, Jurassic Park Dino Defender, Jurassic Realm, The Land Before Time: Into The Mysterious Beyond, Lost World: Jurassic Park, Off World Velociraptor Safari, Paraworld, Peter Jackson's King Kong the Official Game Of The Movie, Pokemon (various), Sea Monsters A prehistoric Adventure, Siphon Filter, Small Arms, Splashdown 2, Stranglehold, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Syberia, Syberia II, Tekken 2, Tekken 5, Tekken Tag Tournament, Tomb Raider 3, Tomb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, Turok Evolution, Turok (Xbox 360), Turok Rage Wars, Turok 2 Seeds of Evil, Top Trumps Dogs 'n' Dinosaurs, Warcraft III, War of the monsters, Warpath Jurassic Park, and Zoo Tycoon: Dinosaur digs.

3) CG Boobs.

4) Jill Valentine's Diseased Vagina: Image here

5) Coco Bandicoot porn comics. Seriously? Fucking furries. Okay here it is.

6) Dead Fantasy. FFS you stupid idiots. The guy's name is Monty Oum and the best place to find Dead Fantasy the guy or Dead Fantasy Full Versions is over on Monty's page on Game Trailers.

7) Dead Rising Where do you find the Wrestling Boots when you unlock them. They are under the staircase you first come down when you get off the chopper.

8) Does wearing beanies/hats make nits rare? No. Plus it makes you a cunt.

9) Forms of Rotom. You want here then.

10) How do you get masks on heads on zombies on dead rising wii. You have to shoot them in the knee so that they get into the coruched prone position then you'll be prompted to put cone/bucket/mask on them. Annoyingly, the further you get in the game upgrading your weapons means it's nigh impossible to do later on because even the pistol blows their legs clen off.

11) Film of 2 birds wanking guy. Congratulations, you failed to find porn on the internet. I think your problem is you are being way to colloquial and specific.

12) How to kill and dispose. Well the methods of killing are varied and scenario/environment related. Disposing of the body is harder. Don't just ditch it in a river because they always get found. Our favourite way of disposing of a body is to cover it in gloves and umbrellas and hey presto! Within a week you will have lost the body, gloves and umbrella.

13) How to command sheva on resident evil 5. She being a bit unruly? Well first of all you can read the fucking book and find out. Secondly, you need to use the d-pad for various commands, check with which button you need for Xbox 360/PS3 versions.

14) ibrate sex. Filth.

15) Modes of joining culture emo. Be middle class, wear black, whinge about things, listen to crap suicidal music, threaten to kill yourself but never do it, wear a lot of white make up, get some piercings, watch Donny Darko, type "emo forum" into web browser.

16) net yaroze zombie maze. You mean Ed Fedemeyer's Haunted Maze. It is the best game ever.

17) real life animal crossing tarantula attack. I was attacked by the animal crossing tarantula and the scorpion in real life many many times. They automatically attack you if you get too close with the net. Try finding them and getting the net out when you are far away. They should then walk slowly towards you and you can catch them before they get ya.

18) Resident evil rape. Nasty piece of work, but since you asked so nicely.

19) Who is the Ram Raider. Yeah, like it would be that easy. Here's a clue, who isn't the Ram Raider?

20) Soul calibur cum drawings. For drawings of characters cumming see here.. For drawings of characters where cum is used as a medium, see here.

Well sadly, that is all we've got time for now. We could spend all day doing this the stupidity and depravity of people seems to know no end. Apologies for all those people looking for Ayane, Jill, Sheva, Dante and Trish upskirts. We're saving that link for next week. There seems to be a healthy Wolverine nude community too but we are saving those for an all gay update at some point . Also, sorry we couldn't help all those people struggling on Agatha Christie's and then there were none (the universal embrocation is by the bee hives on the floor).

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

DANGER: Women in games. Part 2: The Revenge

So it’s been a while since we last decided to tackle the ongoing issue of the fairer sex grasping at the Joystick of the games industry and giving it a good old tug. Last time we touched on this subject we talked about the industries efforts to entice the female market, the vacant “hotties” keeping the guys interested in the industry, and most importantly painstakingly rendered, gorgeously rendered 3D boobies. Almost two years have passed since that last post, has the industry changed? Well it was this article, brought to my attention by Kotaku, which flared my dismay at the industry/humanity. It reads like an open letter to the gaming community proclaiming that girl gamers should be taken down from their pedestal, claiming that an entire gender is still having a hard time in the industry/gaming because of horny adolescent boys.

I'm afraid that I have to go out on an attack on Dairuka, and perhaps TGN, this entire post was clearly written by a cuckolded-pantsu-sniffer with aspirations of being a knight in shining armour for the entire girl gamer community. I'm afraid his post does nothing positive for this sexism in gaming issue these girls are not delicate frail little flowers who are going to break down and just give up gaming. There will always be dicks online, they get fragged online they'll lash out at whatever they can, whether they are from somewhere else, speak different, or simply have a vagina. And regarding the gamer girls flaunting their goods in order to peddle the next over-hyped shooter to the 14-21 bracket, it's not like these girls are coerced, intimidated, forced to do it. It's naive and dare I say it, misogynistic, to think that they don't know what they are doing or the consequences of doing so.

But enough of this blogwarishness in the past year have we seen an improvement in the industry? Is there less sexism in games?

What recent releases have we had that promote those nasty body images, or those negative portrayals of men/women.

Name and shame time.

My god... where to start, there is not one woman in this game. What are they trying to say? Are women not as good as men at football? Frankly I'm appalled, it even has character creation, with NO OPTION for the oestrogen side.


As you can see it seems quite well rounded. She is clearly a strong confident women, her face clearly screams jailbait, and in a nice change of pace she is so thin you can see her ribs. Who on Earth could find fault with this little pedo-trap...

Me! Look! No camel toe! Disgraceful! Women should be proud of their labia this is clearly the wrong kind body vagina image to be promoting!

Ok so it is not out yet, but I heard there is a skill upgrade later in the game where she incorporates a queef into a combo, staggering the enemies not from disgust but just pure disappointment. Nobody wants to witness that.

Batman - Arkham Asylum:

Actually hats of to Eidos, proving that scantily clad hotties can be loonies too:

Harley Quinn
Pole dancing dominatrix/french-maid/nurse clown woman, Does it get much better? Well if you look at her skirt look there is blood on her crotch! Menstruation-tastic!

Poison Ivy
Veiny leafy green-camel-toe. wnak.


Any game that has the gumption to at least even hint at the possibility of moist, glistening, vaginas gets a thumbs-up from me.

Resident Evil 5:

And of course we cant chat about sexist games without mentioning RE5. for some reason she cannot use the Gatling gun... What is she too frail? Though this just might end up being a race issue.

That's it for now, I could easily re-hash the old arguments of negative portrayals are not exclusive to women. How it is all just fantasy How, yes there are women out there that have big breasts, and its only less attractive and less well endowed women who have issue with this, mainly because they don't have the option to entice and manipulate men as the beautiful ones do. But I shan't, just check the previous post.

Signing out.

Richie XXX

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

The New Forms of Rotom

As you may know we are fans of the children game Pokemon. A new remake is out ensuring yet more millions of daktarin for Nintendo. This time around though Pokemon Platinum adds nothing new to the game series and the new edition is very very stingy with the introduction of a very generous no new pokemon. Yes, that's a fat zero. It appears that 'forms' are the new thing to get adults to part with money to please their children. So it's the same pokemon except they have slightly different sprite set. And Pokemon Platinum isn't short on delivering remakes of existing pokemon inside a whole game which is essentially a remake.

Giratina and Shaymin now have two different forms (seriously does anyone even care about this. We don't and we're a semi-interested party). But Rotom get's a whopping six new forms to not care about! Originally pokemon used to be about mirroring the organisms we find in nature (as well as representing legends, myths, umm art forms and martial arts?) but now as Ninty scrape the creativity barrel Rotom gets six new forms based on of all the exciting things, household appliances.

We kid you not.

The thing is, five of them are very normal (lawnmower, fan, fridge, washing machine and oven). But the sixth form?


Umm Rotomibrator? In a kiddie game? O-o

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Monday, April 20, 2009

My Brute. Challenge us, or you are gay...

That's right. Gay. Happy or homosexual, whichever you find more goadingSo in our random fumblings in the vast soiled panties that is the internet, we stumbled across "My Brute" where you create a little fighting character where random features and stats are created by the name you enter.

Anyways this is a shameless shout-out to all the readers/haters/random-perverts-looking-for-Sheeva-nude to follow the link below and help the thatguys brute level up, follow the link below to become our pupil, and well... beat us up.

Luv n HugZ

Richie XXX

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Friday, April 03, 2009

TGAM will return

At the moment the only active member of TGAM is in Africa on fieldwork, proving once and for all if RE5 is racist or not.

Normal service will resume shortly.

In the meantime......YOU FUCKING PERVERTS!

You are so easy the internet

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Friday, March 20, 2009

The Sheva from Resident Evil 5 Nude Cheat

Surprisingly, we've managed to find a little Easter egg from Capcom in their latest survival horror game Resident Evil 5. That is right sports fans, you can unlock a nude(ish) Sheva. Here's how, accompanied by some artists reconstructions because we'll be damned if we can take screenshots. Them shits is too professional.

NUDE!Here's how to do it. You need to beat the game first. We beat it in co-op so it doesn't seem to make a difference if you do it solo.

OMG NUDEThen start the game again when you get back to chapter 3-1, (the boat level) you'll need to pick up the Beast and Warrior slates (this is what we did, we don't know if you need to pick up these slates but it's best to be sure). If you then check your map you should see a tiny island to the west of the long tentacle looking thing (the stream) on the South West of the map. Head here.

On this island there is a small hut (previously not much to do with it). If you approach it an "Enter" command will pop up. Press to enter, the screen will black out and you'll hear the familiar zipping noise straight from Resident Evil, Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil 3 when you change into alternative costumes using the special keys you get from completing the game. Then you can see Sheva in her natural beauty (she still has pants but her rack is there to see).

Buzz Bonus: By pressing the locate partner button, Chris will automatically focus on Sheva as normal but this time he gives off a "woot-woo" sexy whistle.

Remember kids you read it here first and thank you capcom.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dry Entry Anal Justice

SAMUS WITH TITS AND LEGSYep this post should generate some more traffic. Soul Calibur XXX, Dante tits, Hitomi vadge, Ayane breasts, Dead or Alive nude naked, World of Warcraft anus, Misty cum, Lara croft with her beef out, Taki from soul calibur eating a peach, night elves baking a small sexy cake, aeris and tifa building a card house on a rainy day, Vikki blows walking the dog, that bird from perfect dark going to the post depot to pick up a parcel that was sent to her house when she was working, Amy Rose putting some candles on because there is a powercut, Zangief upskirt, Chun Li forcing a sausage back into the pack because she can only eat four today not five like she initially thought, green and bloody douche juice, princess peach ramming daisy in a bumper cart, Cloud shaving before an operation, samus aran smothering a slice of bread with honey, master chief bending over backwards for the rights of displaced minorities, Zelda showing link her creamy muffin she bought at a nice shop in the village, tits in an arsehole, jill valentine burying her nephew on the beach, Leon and Ada beaver watching in springand periods.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

We got another letter!

Dear Thatguys,

Since you guys seem to be into survival horror, I was just wondering what you think of Silent Hill: Homecoming. And what do you guys make of Dead Space?



Well reader, thanks for your question, clearly you are an avid reader and saw our recent epic post on survival horror. Firstly nobody has actually managed to have a proper play at Silent Hill: Homecoming because yet once again, Europe sat at home quietly waiting by the phone for Konami to ring. They promised they would phone in mid-November, but no. We just get a text from our mutual friend Kotaku, saying that Konami is having a bit of a hard time and wont be able to meet up until at least Q1 of 2009. So we retire back to watching X-factor, crying softly into our knitting thinking about all the dizzying and sordid acts that America is currently doing to Konami's Silent Hill!

In short, we are looking forward to it… Expect a review in 2009 along with us prising Konami for giving us some really cool DLC to make up for the delay.

As for Dead Space… well… we're not bothered with it…

Yeah I know, it's a survival horror! Yeah it's supposed to be Resident Evil 4 in space! But, it's just aliens, Care factor: Zero.

The game seemed really creepy with like undead and ghosts and such, but then the trailer just shows crappy little fanny-monster-alien things crawling about and attacking you.

The game just seems to suffer from monster syndrome (monstrum salielasmobranchus), seen in many survival horrors. It is the point in the game where the designer decides that the player needs tougher enemies and as such introduces ridiculous monsters quite often not keeping in tone with the rest of the game.

Such games that suffer from Monster Syndrome:

Resident evil: Starts off with Zombies and Undead dogs and such. Then a big genetically engineered Mutant thing called a hunter turns up, yeah they are scary, but a) they are not undead. b) The only reason they are scary is because they can OHKO you.
And so forth for all Resident evil games, Lickers, purple monkeys, Tremor worms, Giant retards.

Bioshock: WTF is Big Daddy… Just stupid really.

Turok: Starts off with dinosaurs, then it goes all fucked up and there are other dimensions with dino-people.

Ones that don't:

Dead rising: Zombies and Psychopaths that's it. No super-genetically-altered-robo-zombies.

Silent hill: To be fair they are all monsters, but they are creepy and keep in tone with each other, the only ones that don't really are the flappy ones in the original Silent hill and I was never fond of the Gorilla ones in Silent Hill: The room.

P.S. Apparently Dead Space is somehow involved with Scientology, Like it references Xenu (or what ever their God is) and as such I'm REALLY not interested.

Luv n' Hugz

Richie xxx

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Heavy Rain the paper cut killer

Would but only with the cryingThere is hype abound fellow sailors. Hypery and balderdashery truth be told! It surrounds a game called Heavy Rain: The Metro killer. Many of you will have seen The Casting, a full motion video used to show the full body and facial motion capture techniques used to show the full range of emotions that most games still struggle to show. Emotions like "crying" and "angry crying" and "crying because you didn't put the bin out again".

Many of you may know that this game will be the next game from David "shagged a dead guy" Cage, the previous game was Fahrenheit and it involved a woman who shagged a dead guy. What The Casting and previous press releases fail to tell you about this new game is that there will not be any shagging of dead guys in this game. We phoned David Cage to ask him why this wasn't mentioned in any preview we saw and why would he make a game without necrophilia in it:

David: 02 5589, David Cage speaking.
TGAM: You bastard.
David: Hello?
TGAM: We know where you live "Dave"
David: Oh, not you guys again!
TGAM: Gay! [We hung up after that, TGAM 1-David Cage 0]

Richie: Hey we are the first blog to mention Heavy Rain and not use the words "Uncanny Valley"
Richie: Dammit...

Luv n hugs

Cunzy + 1

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Friday, August 15, 2008

The people who are actually excited about Mirror's Edge

In no particular order:

Electronic Arts.
People who didn't get the memo about free running "the fad" being over.
15-17 year old skateboarders.
EDGE magazine until it's rated [6] even after such a glowing preview article.
PS3 owners who don't yet realise it is multiplatform.

Review Based on Wikipedia Page
It had so much potential but despite promises is very linear and frustrating. The camera isn't quite FPS perspective which leads to some odd moments where arms are inexplicably long. Animations of legs and looking at the floor the whole time grates. 6/10

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Once you go fat, you never look back!

You can't. It is physically impossible.

Dikky dikky gnort gnort
Anyway TGAM are going to wade into the cluster fuck bandwagon about some game where the job is to rescue a fat princess. It's by Sony or some shit. Anyway the low down is here and here. It turns out that some parties are upset because it depicts a fat woman or something along those lines. That is such a lazy line to take especially when we are judging from press releases and screenshots. Here are some further (and frankly better) complaints to make so that everyone can jump on this bandwagon and rail against evil sony, catering the whinge to whatever floats ones boat.
1) Fat Princess is racist both the titular princess and the katamari dude are white. What? Asians can't be princesses? Blacks can't be fat? Racist filth etc. etc.

2) Fat Princess is ageist. The princess looks young. What? Old people can't be princesses? Babies can't be princesses?

3) Fat Princess is sexist. The princess looks like a woman. What? Men and transgender persons can't be princesses?

4) Fat Princess is homophobic. The princess has long hair and is being rescued by a man. She appears not to be making her sexuality into a big issue. What? Princesses can't be homosexual?

5) Fat Princess is too realistic. The princess is a chubber, the likes of which are seen on every city street in the world. What? I don't play videogames to live in the real world? Make it more unrealistic. Where's the alien princess or the princess with five heads and laser chainsaws for legs? Where's the Princess who has three smaller princesses inside her head controlling her movements?

6) Fat Princess is phylist. The princess appears to be a chordate and the hearts in the gauge are typical "higher vertebrate" chambered hearts. What? So Echinoderms can't be princesses? Members of the plant and funghi kingdoms can't be princesses? Chordate loving scumbags. This is typical of the makers of games. TYPICAL.

7) Fat Princess is colourist. The castle appears to be brown and the water is blue. What? Castles can be any colour? Why brown? The Nazis wore brown! Also I've seen green, red and brown water, why so blue? Is this some kind of homage to the Nazis who also wore blue sometimes. Colourists. Colourists and facists.

8) Fat Princess is (that's enough now- Richie)

So you see! This game insults everyone. It's disgusting filth. People are dying of the AIDS and malaria and people have no food or electricity. Good for them because then they hopefully won't have to experience further exposure to this horrible videogame that is just a game. We're starting a campaign to gather up the worlds' young, gay, black, asian, dwarf, transgender, non-chordate princesses to march for justice. Join us and we'll set this problem right. One game at a time people! ONE GAME AT A TIME.

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Friday, July 25, 2008

Soul Calibur XXX

WEWT! In Soul Calibur you can customize your character right down to the underwear!

Though I do wonder for my sexuality, I saw this picture and the first thing i thought was, "Ooooh those icons kinna look like WoW icons."

Fig. 1. Power - Some sword from the Warrior talent tree.

Fig. 2. Impact - Some shieldy talent.

Fig. 3. Boost - Sheath of Light, Paladin talent

Fig. 4. Gauge - Spirally green thing

Fig. 5. Special - Primal Mana innit

Namco... We're watching you.

Richie X

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Monday, July 07, 2008

A special holiday message from Jill Valentine

To all those people who have just woken up from an 8, 20, 32 or 44 month coma. Here's Jill Valentine wishing you merry christmas!

Happy zombie Christmas
Thanks the internet! Thanks Jill!

Next on TGAM! Happy VJ day and welcome to the 21st Century for those who have had comas for a very long time.

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Warning new term approaching: Underboob

It is not full on boob, It's not cleavage, It's...


Coming to a System near you soon!

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 48

Time for number 48! Excited? I know I am really excited. Here's a clue to the game via an excellent screenshot from Eurogamer.

Can you tell what it is yet?

Yes it's Dead Rising (referred to as Dead Rizzling in TGAM circles thanks to a stupid customer). Why so low? Nobody asks. Well it's a compormise, I love Dead Rising but Richie has no time for it. So it's here. The first proper game on the list.

Dead Rising has everything: zombies, shopping malls, hot fat lesbo cops, ban in Germany, Jills Sandwiches, everyday violence, cults, guns, storyline, hideous save system, unreadable text, the Dante, Jill and Ryu zombies, cars, viruses and tits mcgee (never forget tits Mcgee). The usual capcom trappings of being a bit confusing on the first playthrough and the aforementioned save system only work to make it better in our eyes. Perhaps the greatest achievement is that the game works properly. So if you feel so inclined you can sit on the roof for the whole game until the chopper arrives*. It still remains the only reason to buy an Xbox 360.

The list so far:

49: Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1
50: Biohazard 4D Executer

*Did you hear that Bioshock with your infinitely long "the place is falling apart, you must escape" sequence at the end? Bastard.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

Next week on TGAM

In order to belatedly celebrate our 2nd birthday and Capcom's 25th birthday and because there is nothing happening in games at all we're going to sell out like IGN and do TGAM top 25 no a top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever. To shake up the usual format we're going to start at number 50 and work our way through until we get to number 1. Then we're going to stop and do other posts.

Given our recent activity levels this will probably take 38 years because we'll lose enthusiasm after number 47.

Classic TGAM is what no one says about this imageSo don't just sit around wanking over big brother for the next 38 years. Instead start pointless forum posts hypothesising about who is going to be number 11. Write a letter to EDGE when we include Final Fantasy XI but not VI or VII! Try to convince us to put any Zelda or Metroid* games in the list. You even have your chance to vote** for the top ten in this list so try to get all those underated multimillion selling games like Ico and the Ubisoft one with tits and the pig in it into the top ten! It's almost exciting. I'm so excited it reminds me of the time I first saw a fire engine and "nearly" wet myself.


**No you don't.

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Friday, April 04, 2008

Captain Falco Whoring Himself Out

Show me your moves

Nintendo are allegedly very displeased.

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Dead Fantasy


And watch some more:

Now sit back, slightly hollow inside, knowing that you will probably never see anything more awesome in your life ever.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Front Magazine's Steve Beech: An Interview

Hey all,

After getting really excited about Front Magazine's great work on the Devil May Cry Images, we decided to get some input from the great minds behind these genius works of art!

So we spoke with Front magazine's Art Director: Steve Beech

Where did the idea for replacing Dante and Nero with a female model come from?
Well, we were approached by the lovely people at Capcom after they saw a similar project we did for Call of Duty 4 and they just asked so nicely we couldn’t say no.

Are you a fan of the Devil May Cry series?
To be honest I am not a big gamer (although a lot of the staff here are) even though I have worked on a few gaming titles in the past, but I generally like the whole look of the game as I love Manga films and thought that I could get that energy across with the lovely Vikki Blows.

What do you think of Devil May Cry 4?
I think it looks like a really slick game, and the graphics and artwork kick ass.

Are you an Xbox 360 man or a PS3 man?
I play the 360 in the office when we have clocked out after gawping at women all day. I rock at Guitar Hero and suck at Pro Evo.

What is the next big title you are looking forward to?
Space Harrier 2? LOL

Are there any other games that you would consider doing something similar too?
Something like Metal Gear Solid would look pretty ace I reckon.

Could I persuade you to do something similar for the ladies of the Resident Evil series?
Yeah, they are dead sexy.

Do you reckon, since games have much nicer graphics, we can expect to see more of these types of images?
Yeah I reckon, the higher quality of the graphics gives much more to play with when it comes to dropping the real life girl over the top without the two looking too separate.

Games have gotten a lot of bad press recently with rating violence, sex and nudity. What's your standpoint on the recent government involvement in the censorship of violent or sexual games?
I have no problem with the violent content in games, it’s just the same as films and music at the end of the day, kids will always get their hands on it. But more sex in games can’t be too bad can it?

Who would win in a fight, Vikki Blows or Dante?
Vikki, coz she gave me a look on the shoot after a bad joke that said more than any lethal blow could do.

Will we ever see the Vikki Blows images as downloadable content for the 360?
I’m sure, just keep looking on the Capcom site or FRONT’s MySpace ( Once the mag is off the shelf we will release the naughtier images as wallpapers.

Can I have Vikki's number? You know… for work purposes…
She communicates only by smoke signals, sorry.

There you have it...

Steve, you are a God, thankyou for putting those images into the world.

We at are forever indebted to you.

Buy it!!! March 1st!

Love n Hugs,

Richie X.

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George Romero vs. Capcom. The company line

Kotaku reports here and here that The MKR Group, who hold the rights to George Romero films, is suing Capcom for similarities between Dead Rising and Dawn of The Dead. This is a sad day indeed, hopefully Capcom will come up trumps but I have my doubts and so do all our buddies at Capcom HQ who as we speak are burning all their production notes, we managed to photocopy some of them before they were destroyed.

Capcom production notes! Artists impressionBut fear not! Either way Capcom wins! If the law suit fails then hopefully Capcom will make infinity more Dead Risings set in malls. If the law suit is a success then Capcom can successfully sue any bastard who makes a game or film that includes the following:

Bad voice acting and zombies
Zombies Elephants
Zombie Sharks
Zombie Crocodiles
Zombies in a Zoo
Zombies in a mansion
Zombies in a police station
Zombies in Arklay mountains
Zombies on a train
Zombies on an underground train
Zombies on a tram
Zombies on an island
Zombies in a military facility
Zombie dogs
Zombies that vomit harmful liquid
Fat zombies
Zombies that hide in cupboards and/or lockers
Zombies in a cosmetics lab
Paintings with puzzles
Zombies in a guardhouse
Zombies in the sewers
Zombies that make a clik-clak sound when they walk
FMV zombies
Zombies in an underground laboratory
Zombies on a train turntable
Zombies on a boat
Spanish zombies that secretely are not zombies
Zombies called Marvin
Zombies called Marvin that have a striking similarity to the actor Will Smith
Reporters in jail cells that break in half
Mayors in torture dungeons that break in half
Eyeballs in shoulders
Zombie leeches, worms, moths and crows
Lickers, Hunters etc.
Top of the range elite bioweapons created with their hearts on the outside of their bodies
Mutated plants
Scientists who inject themselves with their own virus and then stalk about trying to impregnate their own daughters
Bioweapons that say "S.T.A.R.S"
Zombie like mutated dinosaurs in space
Bioweapons on emergency evacuation trains that used to resemble a man type thing but then go on to resemble a diseased vagina*
Joe Kendo
Spinning bird kicks

Surely Hollywood would come to a standstill! Good luck MKR, try opening that can of worms and bring the zombie horror film genre to it's knees!

*Last time we mentioned vagina we got a into trouble with all the gamefem blogs. So before you type a complaint, play resident evil 2 on the B scenario get to the end of the game and SPOILERS fight the thing in the train and tell us it doesn't remotely resemble a diseased sideways smile. If you can't do that then 00:18 seconds here gives you some idea or watch this.

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Devil May Cry 4: Best. Cosplay. Ever.

Seth over at the Capcom blog has found some real gems! Front Magazine has done some rather original photo shoots involving the DMC characters but with (semi-naked) girls instead!

The magazine will be published on 1st March with all the pics, including some nudey ones!!! will be all over this, expect some NSFW post in the near future.

Kudos Front, Kudos...


Richie X

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Pushing the PC gaming boundaries

The BBC has this nice little article about how PCs are better at games than consoles or some such. I don't really know as I haven't fully read it as my attention span only lasts for a paragraph before I'm bored. But I got the gist.

SHE IS GOING TO SEX THAT DEAD GUY All I do know is that whatever you may think about PCs, the people that play them are GEEKS. Nerdo-rama. They wear big rimmed glasses and have braces. They don't have sex either. They just beat off over video game characters who sex with other dead video game characters (see above Fahrenheit).

Some guy from Nvidia says:

"It's absolute nonsense to think that consoles are at the cutting edge,"

Yeah but only fucking nerds buy your shitty graphics cards and that clearly isn't enough. That's why you put those little leaflets in every single one of Future Publishing's console oriented magazines going on and on about how Nvidia is the future and good. BTW Nvidia, those leaflets are shit. Purely because PC games are mostly boring stuff about menu managment or Orcs. Don't believe me? If you were Nvidia and you made good graphics cards for PC games who would you have as your mascot? Some kind of three penised dragon with chainsaw guns on it's seven legs cutting up thousands of Triceratops-bats and there is blood everywhere and no matter how long you look you can always find something new to look at. The pained expression on a Triceratops-bat's face as it's guts spill out. The little dribbles of blood from the dragon tri-penis. NOT A FUCKING MERMAID I BET. If PCs are so great Nvidia, why do you pander to the geeky nerdbase users by rendering tits all the time?. Fucking idiots. If you are on a PC anyway, you are only ever two clicks away from photos of real or enhanced titty-bons.

Oh and another thing about PC gaming, imagine this: you buy a woman of the night and take her home you get yourself ready, lube to hand, and all of a sudden a guy pops out of your closet and says sorry you can't do that bird you just bought because your hardware isn't up to it. You can only do her after you've spent £200 on penis enhancements but even then you can only do her when she is looking ugly or if she is on the blob and spotty and even then only a for a bit because your hardware cannot cope with her at her hottest and she is getting increasingly hot. That wasn't actually a story that was an analogy. In the analogy the woman of the night is a computer game and the man's penis is his PC. For geeks that are reading this and are unfamiliar with my terms a woman looks like this:
You like it huh? Well imagine if you couldn't do her or her cantaloupe melon tits. That's what playing games on a PC is. Despite what Nvidia nerds may tell you through the BBC. Which is full of geeks anyway. Just buy a DS and the witch touching game if you are that desperate for tits. At least on the DS you can kind of touch them.

Fucking nerds and mermaids. Geeks.

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Resident Evil: Wnakery

There comes a time in every blogs life, when all the rantings, drivel, and fantasies actually pay off!

You remember “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”, do you remember the feeling you felt when it was first coming out, when you though it was going to be everything “Final Fantasy: Advent Children” was?

Well it’s that time again except it not Squeenix its… CAPCOM, and instead of Final fantasy it’s


Now I know that Resident evil has not had the best track record at the cinema, with that pissy trilogy, of defiled characters, and tainted plotlines. But this time Sony (You better not pull a PS3 on this one, you fucks) and Capcom are copulating in the hope of conceiving a CG Movie. Of Resident evil proportions

Catch all the news here.

What we want to see in Biohazard: Degeneration or we will actually start to MDK people starting with whoever is the nearest. This is the definitive list any slight variation and it's curtains for everyone.

1) Jill, Chris, Claire, Rebecca, Leon, Barry, Wesker, Enricho, Joseph, Brad, Richard, Edward, Forest, Ken, Will Smith AKA Marvin, Joe Kendo, Kevin, Annette and Billy Birkin, Ada, Carlos, Brian Irons, Ben Bertolucci, Nicholai and the others, Mr X, The Nemesis, the Ashfords, Hunk, Tofu, female zombie, fat zombie, hunters, hunter gammas, lickers, Tyrant, Titan, Neptune, Cerberus, the white zombie from the first Resident Evil all the characters from outbreak including sub characters.

2) The whole film should be Canon and fit perfectly within the storyline of the games even though they conflict themselves. The one exception it that although Sherry Birkin looks exactly how she does in the game, we are told very explicitly from the start of the movie that she has just turned 16.

3) Ideally the film should be a number of days long and cover events from Resident Evil Zero all the way through to the End of Resident Evil 3.

STARS4) There will be Cameos from Dante, Chun Li, Ashley, Frank West, Morrigan, Regina and the alien from Under the Skin

5) About half way through the film there will be a scene where Hunk dances move for move to Rihanna's Umbrella. See here for more.

6) Bewbies, Jill bewbies, Claire bewbies, Ada bewbies, Nemesis bewbies, Dante Bewbies, Annette Bewbies, Alexia Bewbies, Zombie female Bewbies. And a bit of muff wouldnt go astray either. Assuming Capcom want to include the Canon game Resident evil: DS (douche simulator), they can perhaps prove once and for all that Zombie female does have Green and bloody douche Juice.

7) When you have watched the film once, you get to watch it again with alternative outfits.

8) The opening line of the film will be "That guy's a maniac. Why'd he bite me?". The film then flashes back to the beginning.

9) DVD extras will include:

A long overdue heartfelt thanks to TGAM, the blog that has been keeping Capcom's reputation in good stead since Resident Evil 4.

Cell by cell comparisons of Jill Valentine's biff and Sienna Guillory, proving CG to actually be better than RL.

Eliza's Story: how drugs and nymphomania got her cut from Resident evil 2 and replaced with the iconic Claire.

The Biohazard 4D film with 3D goggles.

Audio Commentary from the Nemesis and Marvin Branagh.

Special Audio Commentary from Dante, whilst receiving head from Richie.

10)The mansion should be the mansion from the original Resident Evil. Not the remake because that mansion confuses us and scares us because we are unfamiliar with it.

We're just so darn excited and we can't wait for our ideas to come to fruition. How excited you ask? Well Omastar was perplexed at the involuntery responses we had here at TGAM.

DISCLAIMER: If this turns out to be rumour then we will release the T-Virus without warning. Have your zombie plans ready people.

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Monday, September 24, 2007

Thith meanth war......

On saturday night just gone, I found myself with a free evening. And due to the absolute fantastic quality of British television on Saturday nights I thought I might, you know, play some videogames so I could do a proper post on my video games blog. Now because I'm still feeling like this I ended up playing both Animal Crossing and Animal Crossing Wild World.

Suffice to say everyone was majorly pissed off with me because I haven't been to Gaylando in over 400 days (see a post coming soon) but they are a fickle peoples and after a little bit of talking to everyone my peeps seemed happy, neigh, almost pleased to see me again. Including my virtual stalker target Bunnie.

However, whilst chatting with my love she showed me this "weird" letter (her words):

The punctuation in this letter is awful and Bunnie tells me she hates it when punctuation is awful so don't even bother
Now I assure you that this is an image of a letter but a crappy phone camera combined with an old DS resulted in the above image. For those of you who can't make out the text! or those of you who can't read the letter says:

"Dear Bunnie

Come to raccoon a new life awaits you, hanging of the end of my penis.


THAT IS NOT ON! You little shit sending my angel filthy letters! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEND HER INAPPROPRIATE LETTERS. How dare you! I welcomed you to Gaylando with open arms. Don't you remember we even cyberred in my hou..... but anyway. She later told me that she hates Richie and she would never go to Racoon with you so don't even bother.

DEFCON 2- You better check yourself Richie....

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Another letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and on encapsulating everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However, it pains me to say that this is not a letter complementing your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter of apology. You may have recently received a letter from my colleague, a Mrs Lvl 70 Richie complaining that her phone was broken due to the rage caused by your game being too 'hard'. However, I implore you to ignore the demands set out in my colleague's previous letter because, well she plays WoW and she just isn't used to real time combat systems or skill based games. She spent hours playing DoA4 Online desperately trying to "click" on opponents before endlessly being beaten. In fact, it was only recently that Richie learned that DoA had a game element to it at all. She would just sit watching the rolling demo screens at the menu whilst furiously frigging. Unfortunately, both myself and our daughter have caught her doing so at times but since Richie found out there is a gaming element to DoA these incidents have fortunately been few and far between.

However, the demand that we feature as characters in the next DoA game, is still a good one. Could I request that Richie's character resembles Voldo from Soul Blade? Also she should have a suicide move where she lays in the bath, frigs out a slime for the last time and then slits her wrists? After that you see Zack come running in and picking Richie up in his arms and crying as the camera pan out to space. That would be good and you might get some negative publicity like Rockstar! Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Cunzy1 1 xxx

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Monday, September 17, 2007

A Letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and encapsulated everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However it pains me to say that this is not a letter complimenting your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter demanding compensation for damaging my phone. If it were not for your bouncy booby game (RE: Dead or alive 4) being to ridiculously hard for the entry level player, then my phone would not have met with a rather unfortunate event, involving a wall and it hurtling though the air.

As such I would like to demand the repair bill for my phone refunded to me (£40), emotional damages (£1000), a nude patch for Ein, damn! I mean Bayman. No! I mean Tengu. NO! I mean Helena… Maybe.

Along with this I demand that Cunzy and I feature as characters in the next DoA game, and we each have multiple endings involving us nobbing the DoA girls. Cunzys, can feature him, settling down going to Morrisons on Sunday for the weekly shop, discussing where the sofa would look good, and just a general display of stomach churning under-the-thumb-ness as Lei Fang treats him as the submissive he-bitch that he is. Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Lvl 70 Richie xxx

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