Friday, April 11, 2008

It's Official! Resident Evil 1 is Racist!

It looks like the Resident Evil 5 racism issues is back on the agenda but this time from someone who, you know, has actually played a game, any game but also all of the Resident Evil games. The piece makes for some thought provoking reading but here at TGAM we've been concerned about the racism from Resident Evil 1 onwards. No one would listen to use before but now that the issue is under the spotlight here's a republished blog we did way back in 1998. Still relevant dontcha think? Totally tl;dr Oh and if you still haven't played it, SPOILERS.

After playing through Resident Evil 1 on the PlayStation I was like, “Mental, clearly not a single scientist worked on this game.” Because I wonder if Capcom isn't some kind of anti science organisation. I wasn't offended that there were scientist zombies, still adorned with lab coats and the such but there was a lot of locations and text that cam straight from the anti science movement. But what was sort of poignant is that not a single gamer or critic picked up on it. The game got rave reviews and is still heralded as a classic. How do you discourse with an audience that has unanimously enjoyed this game without sounding like you're trying to carve yourself some kind of snobbish critic perspective? I'm not saying you have to be a scientist to "get it" but also I'm saying that this game paints a bleak picture of modern (UPDATE well it was back then kids) science.

Even before the characters get into the lab spaces beneath the Spencer mansion (and with the brief anti-botanist stuff in the guardhouse), the mansion itself acts as a taster of what is to come. The files left by support staff (the dog handler, security guards etc.) act to build in a hatred for whoever was responsible for the creation of these "monsters". After all, most of the zombies you encounter in the mansion are painted as support staff. The regular Joes who just work 9 til 5. Unaware of the horrific work being done below. Suspicious, sure, but everyone needs a pay check (and Umbrella do control the City- read SCIENCE IS CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE). But the Mansion sections works to build in a suspicion of what you will encounter next. But even before you get to the heart of the operation there isn't one file or memo that hints that the scientists were good guys. Or that there was an attempt at salvation. They're all bad. All of them. And given the post 80s fear and misunderstanding of AIDS, why would you set a game where an unstoppable "virus" serves to kill people yet they still "live"? These messages carried a very real history but at a time where gaming was still very much a child's pastime despite the classification carried.

But not one reviewer of critic batted an eyelid. It was unanimously adored and is still cited as one of the parents of the survival horror genre (UPDATE: Some Alone in the Dark freaks appeased). Every gamer was happy about the stereotype of science and scientists and big corporations. And at the time games were just games and games journalism was nowhere near where it is today. No massive online coverage, there weren't blogs as we know them today. There was no digital culture. No one even cared and I doubt the mass media would have paid attention if it wasn't for controversy over gore and blood colour. But for us, it was something new and something we'd never seen before. It's impact was profound but no one at the time was articulating that and it's cultural importance. If there was a movie (and there were lots) about this theme it would be very rapidly packaged and labelled as a film with a "political message" by the critics. A pithy comment on the relation between science and society.

But it is very difficult to persuade people that this game is demonising science to a degree that most players don't even realise. Some people are interested and engaged with science and it's role in our lives. Other people don't care to know. The people we spoke to about it would insist that it was all fair and that it was an artistic parody of science at best. At worst it was a genuine representation of what the GMers, bioweapons and cloners were up to behind our backs. Some gamers even felt more "in the know" about how real science works thanks to Capcoms "documentary" and since it was set in America, who cares. Everyone was American (UPDATE everyone was white too!!!) and well, we all know America's bad so they deserve it. But this sort of fear of science goes back along way, back to the development of the bomb and before that. And based on numerous play-throughs of Resident Evil 1, what are you supposed to take from it? Especially if you don't pay that much attention to science and how it works, how it is funded and how it works to significantly make your life better.

Even if you are a scientist or know science, if you are familiar with how it all works, the quirks of how research is undertaken and funded, no one spoke out about it and said "this is so polarised, so preachy and dangerous". Then you listen to the music. Very sterile, very clinical especially in the lab sections. Contrast it with the save room music. Very warm, very safe.

In the progress of the game you get to visit every room. From rooms filled with equipment to what are presumably rest rooms. But take a closer look at where these scientists supposedly kicked back over lunch. Undecorated, sparse and dusty. If anyone has had opportunity to work in a lab or visit science departments at Universities, they will know that these communal areas are anything but undecorated or sparse. Because labs have to be kept in a sterile condition these spaces are crowded with personal touches. But in Resident Evil (save for the one naughty poster in the locker room), these scientists were like extensions of the equipment themselves. So inhuman and obsessed with doing evil science things that they're happy to live in a prison. But what research did Capcom do? Did they watch 2001 and leave it at that?

Obviously what Capcom did was significant and hopefully they engaged with the scientific community when putting this game together. But still the portrayal is demonising, propaganda and also harmful.

And then there is the S.T.A.R.S team themselves. A highly trained unit but they include the daughter of a thief, some stereotypical grunts and a rookie woman. They represent the everyman. Yet every zombie you dispatch is devoid of biography (perhaps with the exception of the cupboard zombie, one assumes that he is one of the fellas from the diary). The player isn't for a second prompted to think about them as people and in the case of the cupboard zombie, the file indicates he was kind of a dick anyway. But the characters never once express that the piles of undead they dispatch were ever human. Cringingly referred to as "monsters" for the length of the game ("Look at those monsters" is exclaimed waiting for the elevator up to the Tyrant encounter). Maybe they were monsters all along? Furthermore the scientific equipment is viewed with misunderstanding, "scientific equipment" or "nothing useful here" is expelled by the characters with wanton disregard (UPDATE: How outraged would people be if in RE5 "ethnic things" was exclaimed upon examining the homes of the games' NPCs?). It's a very strange thing that taps into the mass hysteria fear of science and scientists. Maybe this was not their intent. Perhaps they wanted to just make a kick ass game. Perhaps the games media wasn't prepared to deal with this game in a mature way (UPDATE: or rectify that with glorious hindsight).

However, I think that it isn't the point that zombie games shouldn't be set in science space where the population is made up of people who are also scientists. That's not the point. But what I am saying is that the games media should be more mature and capable of dealing with these games beyond the aim and shoot level. The audience wasn't ready for Capcom's masterpiece and missed the rather narrow commentary beneath it.

And when you engage with that kind of representation you have to be careful with it. It would be like setting the next Resident Evil Game in that appeared to be set in certain areas of places like San Francisco or Brighton with "contagious ill people". If that game was ever made it would be ban hammered out of existence if it even made it past the concept stage. But to the slightly more informed player that is how Resident Evil 1 looks. The setting and lab coats are symbols and it is unwise to ignore it. (UPDATE especially now with debates on human cloning this game still has a message that is relevant).

But there we have it, it was released, it has a sequel. We'll see how that fares but no doubt (from early screenshots) there are lab sections. Let's hope the scientists won't be portrayed so single mindedly and as pure evil (UPDATE: this was kind of the case but Annette, William and Sherry's relationship was a commentary of a different kind to that discussed here). These games shouldn't be outright banned but I think both the developers and the gamers need to be having more of a dialogue about what it is you are throwing up on the screen and the effect it has on the subconscious of the gamers. And maybe, just maybe the solution is to very transparently say that, we're aware that this isn't how it works but it's a theoretical setting and we'll tone down the anti-science stuff so that we can all be sated with a throw away piece of commentary rather than something that people can over analyse just for the sake of some media attention for those who adore the sound of their own voice.



DISCLAIMER: Giant Elf Grinch Hummer I know it's way tl;dr!

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

An open letter to Team 17

Dear Team 17

Please just stop it. Please. You are embarassing yourself and the former glory of the Worms franchise. How many iterations are there now? 15? 16? Don't get us wrong the first one was great. We spent hours playing it and the recent revamped versions have been okay but please innovate or move on. Are you happy with the consistent "6-7/10 more of the same" reviews. Shake the series up a bit. I haven't purchased a worms game since the PlayStation release because every single one of the new ones feels so similar that I'm content to dust off the PS2 to play the original should I want to. Hogs of War was amazing why don't you do something like that but better? Oh and Worms 3D doesn't count at all. Why wasn't the last DS one online? Why don't you do clever things with the stats and camera angles and playbacks? International tournaments or something? How many people do you employ to do the same game over and over again. Wikipedia tells me 75. 75! What do they all do? At least Mario does slightly different things when he is whoring himself out again and again. As for Lemmings can't you please sort that out? That used to be great, truly great. You yourselves must be frustrated when every single one of your new releases is greated with overwhelming apathy. I'll be surprised if reviewers even bother to write ne reviews or just reuse the last one.

So please guys do something that isn't "do another bog standard worms game" so that the new generation of gamers will know the name of Team 17. Otherwise us veterans of the 90s will start to get bitter that Bullfrog and Psygnosis went up the spout and you guys are still around cranking out the same game you were back then.

kk Thx bye

Richie and Cunzy1 1

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

We got a letter

So what? We get lots of letters. But this one was written properly and all thought out and stuff so it would be rude not to reply no? Plus it was from a girl.

Catherine Martin writes to thatguys:

Do games have a moral obligation to be politically sensitive? In recent months we have seen a handful of games clumsily attempt a politically savvy narative and blunder into every stereotypical pitfall they could. Now, however, games are about to breach an almost untouched setting: Africa.
Both Far Cry 2 and Resident Evil 5 have chosen this setting as an environment in which to destroy countless hordes of digital natives. More importantly, however, their plots are likely to involve the distribution and flow of medicines in the area. Here I am making a slightly educated guess about the plot of Resident Evil 5, but the evil drug company Umbrella and its infamous T-virus are bound to crop up somewhere. These are controversial and current issues surrounding the African nations as warlords illegally cut supply chains of life-saving vaccinations for a profit. My question is this: if the game designers decide to tackle these issues will they represent a fair and unbiased opportunity for the player to learn something important through the medium of videogames? If they do will they be rewarded?
Secondly, can a mature audience really learn something from what are likely to be two extremely violent games? How many of us wanted to find out more about the plight of the residents of Mogadishu after we watched Black Hawk Down, a film criticised for its exploitative and stereotypical representation of African people? Are games going to continually fall back into politically ignoratn category, or will a games company attemtp to tackle these issues head on and help change mass opinions in the medium's favour?


Dear Catherine, can we call you Jill?

Well Jill, thanks for your letter it was quite long! Almost tl;dr. But I did read it. You make some valid points but I must point out four things:

1) Resident Evil 5 is set in Haiti not Africa because it was racist otherwise! Also, you have to be careful because if you can't tell the difference between Haiti and Africa people will call you racist too! Whoops it almost undermines your whole letter. Don't worry though, just replace Resident Evil 5 with the games Afrika, Exhumed or The Lion King before you send your letter on to EDGE or another excellent gaming culture publication. No one will notice the difference.

2) You've missed the point entirely. Why is Resident Evil 5, Resident Evil 5? It should be at least 6 or maybe seven if we renumber zero as one. The issues you raise are valid but I feel this is a burning issue that must be resolved by Capcom sooner rather than later. For all our sakes.


3) Umbrella aren't necessarily evil they just employ idiot Doctors who inject themselves with their own virus the second trouble crops up. I think they need more screening of research scientists before they employ them in the future.

4) Dude(tte), Umbrella was toppled according to the plot RE4... get with the times.

5) Duuuuuuude(tte) T-Virus is sooo 1997, what happened to G-Virus? Veronica Virus? and to a lesser extent the Plaga...

6) Ultimately, I doubt game desingers will provide a fair and unbiased opportunity for players to learn something. Look at the environments traditionally covered in videogames; train stations, warehouses and helicopters. From videogames you would think that every train station and warehouse is occupied by evil goons trying to take poorly aimed potshots from behind explosive barrels! My grandad used to work on the train lines and he never once saw an explodable barrel in his whole life. As for helicopter pilots, some of them do save lives rather than gatling gun people. It's a sad truth but perhaps together Jill we can change things and get game designers to really show people what life is like rather than stereotyping hard working warehousemen and women as goonish. And Africa.

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Friday, January 25, 2008

1 year.

Right well

Today www.thatguys.co.uk is now 1 year old, I know some may argue that we are actually older than that, but it has been 1 year since we got the domain name. And we had to do a lot to get it too! I had to bare-fist-fight through legions of the undead, and Cunzy… well lets just say he's never been able to sit down properly since then.

Image from Way of the RodentImage from the formidable Way of the Rodent who's award ceremony we sadly missed :( .

To be honest we are all amazed that we have lasted this long! and we are very curious to know who actually looks at us?!?! Although to be fair "lasting this long" really only requires that we keep updating the site.

We would like to thank all of you that have supported Thatguys in the last year, we hope that you will continue to support us too!

We had an amazing year, we won a BAFTA for our ritings and we raised over £250,000 for a non-existing charity.

We slagged of a bunch of people we thought would be petty enough to come down here and have a go and they haven't. Which, is a win for us!

We got our first troll, who is secretely someone we know!

We got a bunch of people flaming us but we were both away so missed it all. Nevermind.

We faked over half a dozen comments to make ourselves look popular and we set up 10 new blogs just to link to us so our authority on Technorati would go up.

We bought two new games this last year, well one really. It was 5/10 readers.

Cunzy got fired but the announcement was over-shadowed by some other loser getting fired at some small video game blog. He was subsequently re hired.

Richie quit Wow then went back to it and then quit again. Currently it is unknown whether he is quit or out again. Cunzy finally completed the modern set in his house in Animal Crossing and is awaiting the HRA's review! Such rock and roll lifestyles!

Thatguys also met up in person for the first time in RL for a holiday/honeymoon in Estonia. Both Richie and Cunzy are dissapointed that neither was telling the truth about age/gender. That's the glory of the internet reader.

We managed to not make a single Maddie joke (I think?) which, is commendable for us. Really it is. Others left right and centre are selling out because now "it's been long enough". You won't find that here.

Please feel free to drop us a wee comment, we are very curious to know who keeps us going. We're going to carry on for the rest of the year much as we always have, jaded, jealous, bitter little men keeping our corner of the internet moist with 12 year old jokes (in all three meanings).

Props to Chuff_72, Dr Wo 69, GIANT EMO HALO BISCUIT, Quadbee, Robisgay, Richie!, Kent, Omastar, Tony Harrison, Amber, Dave, Mike, Randy McSporran, DUFF1N, Dr Hamhock MD, Phorenzik, Mario Mark, Brownie Boy, Alouatta, ernest, alex, iki, Type-O, Das Geordie, SMEGHAMMER, Harv1nd and all the other names we made up to make it look like we had some friends. Thanks everyone!

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Recorded for future use.

Taken from some genius anonymouse over at RAM RAIDER, regarding Jeff Minter's RR Games Writer Twat Of 2007 Award:

This is probably the most deserved award of the lot.Despite the fawning of EDGE and a few other rags, Minter is plainly a childish, petulant charlatan - he knocks out a half-broken game based on someone else's idea anyway (that he then messes up still further with updates), takes half a decade to do so, throws a hissy fit so extreme when someone didn't like it (and what did he fucking expect? It's hardly as accessible as Mario is it?) that he and all his mates felt it necessary to tromp all over the Live! scoreboards to show how fucking ace they are, and STILL expected the world and his dog to bow down at his feet, tell him how great he is and throw money at him.
Space Giraffe did do one good thing: it went some way to finally exposing the lie of the Minter "legend" - he's just a backroom indie programmer knocking out rehashed games barely above Web-based flash standard with a chip on his shoulder the size of Wales, not some reclusive uber-genius. Can't wait for Gridrunner +++, where us regular punters will doubtless get slagged off again for not recognizing the awesome talent it takes to re-release a tarted up 20 year old C64 game.


It's not that we hate Jeff at all but, yeah, come on now. Back to reality. Plus we might need to get used to reading abuse like this when we plan to relaunch Resident Evil 2 on the Xbox 5000 in the year 2057.

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering hordes then put 2 and 3 together and got 8 and went on a spree accusing Gamespot of being dishonourable, Eidos being petty and Jeff Luberjeister was hailed as some kind of gaming hero because they assumed that he had been fired because the big bucks (ha!) Eidos had pressured the corporate Gamespot to get rid of him-who-judges-a-game-fairly. Within seconds there were countless tribute videos on Youtube and numerous Gamespot staff tried to express their loss through a series of emotionally immature articles, including one comparison to the loss of Jeff Naberasker as the destruction of a city in Sim City. What a fitting tribute! Meanwhile as Eidos and Gamespot shrug their shoulders in a "I don't know what you're talking about fashion", the sensless gaming community went on and on spouting about boycotts of Gamespot and all other CNET sites which is stupid because boycotting Gamespot, Metacritic and Gamefaqs leaves you with sites like Joystiq and IGN to get your up to date news and reviews. Good luck. Then in a bid to not be outdone, a small community of True Gamespot Fanboys tried to shout above the crowd saying that they liked Jeff better and that this firing is the latest in a string of big losses for Gamespot following the apparent loss of other staff members with typically American names in recent years. Apparently when Ryan, Zack and Karl left Gamespot it was the beginning of the end no one listened though because at times of crisis the gaming community just likes to shout loudly like a bunch of drunk howler monkeys. At the same time everyone was pretending that they knew who Jeff Grubschter was, even though the only "person" that people know at Gamespot is Guy Cocker because he is named after TGAM favourite GIANT EMO GUITAR HERO. Pretending that anyone knows who the people are is ridiculous. You only go there for the news and videos. No one reads the reviews anyway past the big number on the top right. At this time a ridiculous subsidiary site also fired one of their members of staff over a controverisal review after which, 2 readers they never knew they had, crawled out of internet anonymity to make comments either with extreme tongue in cheek humour or genuine misunderstanding the parody which was followed up by a weak ass post that was too in jokey and then another post which was over inspired by the Zero Punctuation review of Assassin's Creed. Meanwhile, Jeff Graberpatcherman did a overly modest "it's about the integrity" spiel which deranged fanpersons lapped up even though at any given time over the last one and half years, said retards could have gone over to THE RAMRAIDER to find out how truly knee deep in shit back stabbing criminally negligent Games Journalism can be. But throughout the whole thing no one mentioned the true crime at the heart of gaming as it stands today, that is that Resident Evil 4 should really be Resident Evil 5, or Resident Evil 6 if you count zero as one when Capcom gets round to re-numbering all of them. Shame on you gaming community. Shame.

Them's the haps.

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Shit the bed

Shit it like a polaroid picture. Props to Chuff_72 for showing me how Christmas is going to get even more expensive since this post. Yes that's right Sea Monsters: A Prehistoric Adventure for the DS.

FUCKAdvance apologies to my niece and nephew but it's another 11% towards my life dream. When you are my age you'll appreciate that I went for it. x x

Review from the box art: Tricky. Very tricky. Could be amazing if done in an Endless Ocean kind of way. Probably going to be a bit dodge-modge kind of like a Tamagotchi but with even less functionality than eat, poo and sleep. COntains prehistoric monsters 9.5/10*

*The use of the word "monsters" over extinct mesozoic marine fauna loses the 0.5 point

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Giant enemy Guitar Hero Speaks Yet Again: Assasin's Creed review

Dude, I rented Assassassassinssss Creed over the weekend and busted that bad boy right open - CAUTION, OPINION WITHIN MAY NOT BE OF THE POPULAR VARIETY.

First off, I DO like this game, it is fun and looks pretty. However, it is also, misleading, rushed, boring, repetitive, annoying and overrated.

Fun. I finished this game and enjoyed it, I liked the story and the characters, I thought the future elements were nice and especially that you are a Bartender called Desmond (Spoiler?), though very divisive (this game is basically a setup for a new franchise, even EA would be ashamed of the obviousness of this) and the game felt cool to play, it does a good job of making you feel like a badass (except the main dude swings his hips a little too much.)

Badassedness. Of course, this is what *every* game should be about. Altair isn’t supposed to be a ‘badass’ for Fuck’s sake, he’s from a religious sub-sect from post islamic intent on destabilisation of the muslims. Duh.

Looks pretty. Oh yes, this game is a looker, shame all three cities are essentially exactly the same boxes tinted blue/yellow/green to differentiate them.

Ah yes, the middle east in the 11th century was well known for it’s wide and varied architecture. GUESS WHAT EINSTEIN? Those cities still look much like that today:

There are no interiors in the game (well there are a couple but essentially all the buildings are just pretty boxes - there is also no interaction, you can't remove a plank bridge to stop people following you for example.)

OMFG! THIS GAME IS SHIT - ALTAIR IS A HUMAN CHARACTER, WHY CAN’T HE REMOVE HIS ROBES AND MASTERBATE??!!!!???!!!111

The docks in Acre look are sweet though - except you can't fucking swim, not even a doggy paddle, I'm not gonna go on about this, we all know how frustrating is.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN SWIM. YES, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, NO EXCEPTIONS. FFS.

Misleading, because while you play an assassin, and are told to avoid conflict and generally attempt to be stealthy we know this is a lie because there is no "hide behind shit" button, there are no real sneaking sections in the game, and when you upgrade between missions, reclaiming weapons and ranks (Spoiler) they are all for extra fighting mechanics, not stealthing mechanics. So really you play a role more akin to Rambo, on a horse (Part III, but without the Russians and guns), I must have killed over a 1000 guys during play, all open combat. This extends to the Assassination missions themselves, all of which I did by running directly up to the target and stabbing them in face, except then they ran and I stabbed them in the back.

Good lord. There’s just so much wrong with that last paragraph I don’t know where to begin. Sigh, let’s have a go then.

You play an assassin and are told to avoid conflict (yet, you’ve killed over a 1000 guys in open combat – nice way to not play in the spirit the game was intended)

There’s no ‘hide behind shit’ button, because there are ‘hiding places’ scattered *THROUGHOUT* every map.

There’s no real sneaking sections in the game? Do you mean apart from the sections where you’ve got to sneak up on people to assassinate them? Like the first templar you have to kill as requested by the informer (because you cant approach him head on)?

Yes, you upgrade with weapons between missions because KILLING IS WHAT ASSASSINS DO. WITH WEAPONS.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but to call your dude an assassin is a bit of stretch, you are more like a crazy merc or something, a killer for hire, taking on all comers face to face, rather than a stealthy-stealthy-catchy-monkey type ninja, this is not Tenchu.

LOLZ. Quoted from Wikipedia: Assassination is the murder of a political figure.[1] An added distinction, among assassination and other forms of killing is that the assassin has an ideological or political motivation, though many assassins (especially those not part of an organisation) also demonstrate insanity; other motivations are money (contract killing), revenge, or a military operation.

You’re absolutely right, an Assassin *IS* a killer for hire taking on all comers face to face rather than a stealthy-stealthy-catchy-monkey-type ninja.

IF YOU WANT THAT GO AND PLAY FUCKING TENCHU. :S

Rushed. There are some odd glitches (though funny), I fell into a table and stayed there with my legs pointing skyward, fell through a couple buildings, and into the floor. I guess the main problem with the whole game is that you only do the same six or seven activities in each section of each city, over and over and over. Example, "Save Citizen" this occurs nine times (approx) in each section there are three sections in each of the three cities, so that’s 81 (approx) save citizen missions, this is not fun. Well it IS fun as the fighting is pretty coolio, but it's lazy design-wise and is a strong representation of how the rest of the game is structured.

Yup, and collecting 1000 fucking rings in Sonic or Mario is *real* variety.

Boring. The future bits are nice as the story expands but are dull as hell to play. We have already covered the repetition of the main game.

No, you’re boring. And stupid.

Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Even the dialogue is the same for EVERYONE who is not a main character. You do the same shit from start to finish with no change in pace, except for the very end of the game which ups the pace a notch.

Here’s an idea: Instead of saying ‘hello’ to anyone you meet tomorrow, use a random word or phrase instead. This’ll cut out you having to say the same word over and over again.

Annoying. God damn this game can piss you off! On the whole the controls are really well though out and considered, however to run up a wall you need to hold the right trigger and "A" however "A" is also the jump button, so if you forget to release "A" (and you will because most of the game you are running up walls) you try to navigate up a tower and accidentally push "away" from the tower you will leap off the building, yay, broken legs.

WRONG! Procedure: Approach wall. Hold right trigger. Character will put hands on wall. Press ‘A’ button. Character will safely run/climb/jump up wall without ‘accidentally pushing away from tower’. See, I was right about you being stupid.

The mental cases and the drunks, these dude stumble around not harming a fly until you happen to wonder too close, when they push you as hard as they can, this has two effects; 1. it's just fucking annoying as they don't push anybody else, so it feels kinda personal, 2. Say you have just assassinated some dude, and are trying to get away without being busted, all you need do is press "A" and you look at the floor and put your hands together, this fools people… I know. However while in this mode you walk real slow, which means you can't get away from the drunks who home in on you like you're a walking kebab, when they push you it breaks your magical "I am not an assassin" mode and all the surrounding guards fucking pounce on you which instantly fails you mission.

DO YOU GET A LOT OF DRUNKS ON THE ROOFTOPS? HM? *NO*.

Some of these mission require that you assassinate five dudes in under three minutes, which can be tricky, especially when you have just busted the last dude and the above happens. HOWEVER, this is not the end of this particular rant my friends. You see, now you have to kill/escape from the soldiers, once you do the mission resets, you go back to the dude, which reinitiates the mission, great! BUT the fucking bodies of the fucking guys you previously killed are still there which means that the guards are on high alert the whole time and the drunks/retards are still stumbling round pushing you! Arrgghhh. My advise, hit that reset button and all will be gravy once more.

ROOFTOPS. FREE OF DRUNKS, THEY ALSO CONTAIN HIDING PLACES.

Now for a major issue I have with the game. The big assassination missions that round out each city section are LAME, you would think you would have to do something interesting, maybe sneaking up on a dude over roof tops, silently taking out guards, clearing away defences, scoping out movement patterns etc. But no, this is how most of these missions pan out:

1.You collect a bunch of bullshit information that sounds cool but doesn’t actually affect the gameplay.

BECAUSE GAMES THESE DAYS DON’T NEED NARRATIVE.

2. You trot over to the flashing mission marker on your radar (yeah you have a radar, because you are really in the future and anything other that a radar is too difficult for us retards to work out, like I don’t know, following an eagle to your kill or making Altair gesture the desired direction? But whatever.)

DON’T LIKE IT? TURN IT OFF – WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GO NOW? OH, SORRY I FORGOT YOU’D PREFER TRAINED EAGLES GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO YOUR DESTINATIONS. GOOD LORD.

3. Cut scene initiation, that's right, while a whole bunch of games these days allow you to carry on open play while the story telling happens around you and makes it feel unobtrusive - see Half Life 2, here the game stops and we get a whole monologue from the bad guy, while you are left scratching you balls thinking "now if I were an assassin I would have taken this opportunity while the target is entirely distracted to maybe fire an arrow through his face." Oh yeah, you're not allowed a bow and arrow, even though the "bad guys" have them, and the whole game takes place in the open, where a bow and arrow type deal would be real useful.

Similarly, there are a whole bunch of games these days that don’t allow you to carry on open play while the story telling happens around you. See ‘Halo 3’ or and ‘Final Fantasy’ game. Oh yeah, you’re not allowed a bow and arrow. Do any of those bad guys have swords, throwing knives or a hidden blade? THE PEOPLE IN THIS VIDEO-GAME WORLD AREN’T ALL EQUAL! QUICK, CALL JESSE JACKSON!

Or, maybe this is so you can’t do cheap long-range kills and make the player use the tools at the character’s disposal.


4. Cut scene ends, you run up to the dude/chase dude for maybe a minute at most and stab him in the neck. You then get another monologue in "cyber-space," I shit you not.

BECAUSE GAMES THESE DAYS DON’T NEED EXPOSITION.

5. Escape. This is so easy it's frankly pathetic - climb up a wall, threat indicator goes orange (you have threat indicator because, did I mention this? it's really set in the future… blah blah bollocks,) climb in a box, sit on a bench, stand with some monks, whatever. End.

BUT…BUT..>YOU SAID THERE WERE NO ‘HIDE BEHIND SHIT’ BITS…BWAH!

Overrated! Every magazine and website who mark this game over seven should be fucking ashamed of themselves, yeah yeah I know Jade Raymond has tits and all, I guess the magic these exude should not be underestimated, well I ain't buying it Jade, fuck you.

IT’S A PITY YOU DON’T HAVE TITS, THEN AT LEAST YOU’D HAVE *SOME* USE.

Also the end boss fight is rubbish, you go from playing a (semi) realistic game, with a good strong story line with a smidgen of biblical mythology to a stupid fucking derivative video game, I wonder what magic (yeah, magic) the guy will use? HOLY SHIT, he goes invisible when you hit him, he can make multiple versions of himself, and laughs manically all through! (Spoiler) The only interesting bit is when you fight a bunch resurrected dudes (Spoiler).

UBISOFT SHOULD HAVE USED A GIANT ENEMY CRAB AS THE FINAL BOSS.

So overall, like I said, I really did enjoy playing through this game, it was in turns fun/original and boring/repetitive. I guess I'm just a bit steamed that all the press has been glowing, except UK IGN, WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN, GUYS! I swear it's the power of the boobies.

You’re a bit steamed that a game got good press because you’re an idiot.

C_72 out.

p.s. Fuck Halo, CoD4 rokz.

P.s. Fuck you, Assassin’s Creed rocks.

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Monday, November 05, 2007

Homophobes

Although we all try our best to be inclusive, some gaming websites just can't handle the gays or women. Imagine my disgust at seeing this this morning:

:( For those of you who can't read or don't want to click the above image, essentially I was banned from Kotaku before I'd even had a chance to shine. For those of you who don't know it, Kotaku is a website on the internet that has lots of news about games, it's what Joystiq is trying to be . It was going to be the platform from which we launched BRAND TGAM!

But it's ok, I won't cry too hard because as fate would have it I already voted for one of the co-editors, Brian Ashcraft as Games Writer Twat of 2007 in the RAM RAIDER Awards 2007. How do you like that Brian? Imagine the dissapointment on the spunk filled rubber faces of your "family" when they hear you won that award from the only decent, respectable, industry recognised games award ceremony.

Unfortunately, I think I reffered to him as Brian Bashcraft but I'm sure RAM RAIDER can work it out.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Keeping the Torch Burning!

Ha! Look at these two it's all going tits up for them. I blame it on the war we had which now means we won. So now we are two for two. However, as the good ship H.M.S SFC starts to sink with Phorenzik jumping ship leaving MarioMark to desperately plug the holes in the hull with spare copies of Resistance Fall of Man we would like to steal some of their traffic and re-iterate one of the most poignant sentiments so beautifully put into words.

TALK TALK YOU ARE CUNTS

And Google never forgets! Ha! Live on SFC, live on!
Special Message to the guy who's job it is to google Talk Talk daily: Hi mate. We don't want to cause any big trouble we just want the traffic so please don't hack our accounts to shut us down. Just send us an email and we'll take this post off. Okay?


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Thursday, August 30, 2007

The war that nearly was

So recently we were involved in a bit of a spat with those kooky fellas over at Stupid Fucking Customers and then we were graced with the presence of both of the two angry men from Two Angry Men and then some minors and anonymooses popped over to say things like "Cunts" and other such pillow talk. However, it didn`t really end up as a fullly blown blog war for the following numbered listed reasons:

1) That bint at HR made a cock up with the annual leave arrangments so both Richie and I were on holiday at the same time. ROOKIE ERROR. Never abandon your post just after leaving childish comments on other two male 20 something oh-I´m-so-witty-in-my-own-head white text on black background blogs. The only time in history we´ve had more than one reader (including authors) and there was no one around to call other men gays. HR bint has subsequently been fired and she can think about her mistake as she packs little Johnny off to school with clothes four sizes too small this term.

2) There was no real war to be had. You just can´t generate good rapport when everyones stance is "Your {sic.} gay more like". Someone needs to be trying to take the moral high ground before being reduced to our level. It just breaks down if everyone is pretending to be everyone else.

3) Our hearts weren`t really in it either. Stupid Fucking Customers and two angry men are both good sites which we read regularly. In fact I`d go as far to say that the problem was we (us and SFC) were too similar. We all hate the Wii, we`ve both had pictures on UK:R (Ours was uncredited!), we all have way too much time on our hands, both sites have the gay man-straight man set up and of course the white text on black background. We are all cunts it`s just that they are the other side of the counter.

4) Still we got a bit of traffic from the exchange so our new epitaph will read "Did that shit blog which had a bit of traffic that time". Yeah, we are going to be buried together, homôphobes.

So that was that. It filled the blog out a bit during a time when there are no good games out at the moment absolutely nothing. Bioshock doesn`t count as people are only buying it because they think it is Biohazard. Stop trading on Capcom`s good name. Cunts.

Next week on TGAM:

Sony talks about thinking about releasing some games. Nintendo thinks about talking about releasing some games. Punisher 2 reviewed: SPOILERS this time it`s set in Alaska and the punisher is a woman with superhuman strength who takes on evil polar bears who may or may not have stolen some of her food from her tent whilst she was ice hole fishing. PLUS: We use Ice hole fishing as a very un-subtle euphemism for frigging.

Until next time!

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Friday, May 11, 2007

A new Resident Evil DS?

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair...Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.

It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:


"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"



Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

What's Harvind1 up to?

You may remember a while ago when we proved, scientifically, that we are the Second Greatest Videogame Blog of All Time In the World, we were beaten by a true legend, Harvind1. His blog was exceptional.

Seeing that now Richie is Deadcraft again I thought we should see what ol' Harvind1 is up to....

OH SICK. HE IS TRULY THE GREATEST VIDEOGAME BLOGGER OF ALL TIME. Did you see how long his post was? Very long indeed. Also he talks about real issues! We tried that once but it din't go very well. We were accused of being Homophobic even though one third of the TGAM team was gay once. It was just a phase but it means that we can't be homophobic. Well done Harvind1 you are an inspiration to us all.

In other news:

SONY of America has decided that TV compatability will no longer be available for the Europe PS3s. Instead SONY are releasing a new device called "Watch-Ray". Watch-Ray will be the biggest thing since the Walkman or the Playstation or Blu-Ray said SONY at 6pm GMT not last Thursday but the Thursday after that. By using Watch-Ray with the PS3, game players will be able to play the latest games such as Madden '06 and the original Killzone and actually see things on Watch Ray. This will revolutionise gaming my friends. No longer will we have to listen to the gameplay and try to work out what the buttons mean. Now we can directly see our characters move around on Watch Ray.

In other other news:

BBC Game Journalists desperate to write something. With the lack of any gaming news the BBC have stolen TGAM's journalistic technique, which we developed over the course of 2006/2007, of "writing any old shit and putting images and references to games in somewhere". Any old shit just like the BBCAs we speak, we are currently filing for divorce with the BBC. Well done Beeb. Now look what you've done. You couldn't have thought about the children before your blatant plagiarism. Fuckers.
In other other other news:
Tycho from Penny Arcade actually writes something readable hurry over there because it might not be there for long. Tycho has clearly stolen our TGAM's journalistic technique, which we developed over the course of 2006/2007 of "write something quite in jokey and illegible and isolating to audiences" but then fucked it up so you only get irritated about half way through. Well done Tycho, we knew you could do it!
(TGAM)C1 1WNAK Out.
Yeah, yeah, you like that? Plenty more where that came from.

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Saturday, January 13, 2007

Chaos

Howdy y'all,

Asyou can see there has been very few actual posts, this is mainly due to, well Blogger annoying the fuck out of me and Cunzy. These annoyances include, Images not loading, Posts not posting, and generally not letting Cunzy do anything. In the mean time please feel free to enjoy the new "Media" section which currently only includes some wallpapers, but we're looking to add to this with other crap soon.

P.S. If you haven't already seen, there is also an "About" section including some of the most Frequently asked questions by thatguys fans. And on to of that there is an "Archives" section featuring the best moments from myself and Cunzy.

We'll be back with you soon, assuming Blogger sorts itself out.

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